A new me

I had another one of those epiphany moments today. I was thinking about my journey so far on the 12WBT, I have had a really shitty 10 weeks. I rolled my ankle and couldn't train for the first few weeks of the program, my Dad was going through chemo and radiation, then we had to make an impromptu and really expensive trip to Melbourne for his surgery. My daughters health problems escalated to a really scary peak, and we have had to make some really extensive changes in our home, our diet and our lifestyle to help her with her health issues. I have had health issues, finding out my liver, kidneys and thyroid are not functioning well, I've injured my shoulder which has meant I need to change my training, and take it a little easy at the same time. A friend's kindergarten aged daughter was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, which really upset and depressed me, my great uncle suffered a major stroke and my Nan has had health issues also.

The old me, the  me I was several months ago, she would have quit. She would have used every single one of the things that were going badly as an excuse. The new me, she isn't a quitter - she is different. I joined 12WBT not for the nutrition (because I'm a nutrition junkie) or for the exercise program (because I hated exercise and didn't want to do ANY), but for the mindset. I wanted to change the way I think. I can say I am completely different now, both inside and out! I have learned to focus on the positives, I have lost 8.5kilos so far this round, and that isn't the numerical loss I wanted. Instead of focusing on that, I choose to focus on the fact I have lost over 72cm's and have gone from a size 22, to a 16-18. I have learned that I am important, and deserving of a healthy body. I can't change anyone else, only myself. If I become strong and healthy, I will be better equipped to help the people that I love through the difficult times they are going through.

Doing the 12WBT program, has helped me see the difference between reasons and excuses. I will carry that with me for ever. Michelle's mindset videos have taught me so much, and for that I will be forever grateful. I have also been blessed to befriend some truly amazing people in a 12WBT support group on facebook. Team Shuffle. We are so named because 'every day we're shuffling'. The people in that group have offered me love, kindness, friendship  support and a kick up the arse if it has been warranted. I believe that having people in my life who are experiencing the same things as me in my life, is crucial for my success. We are all going through life's traumas and dramas, but we aren't letting them stop us! We all have our good weeks and bad, but we are getting through them together!

I have developed a LOVE of training that I honestly never thought was possible. When I filled out my gym sheet for the personal trainer about 11 weeks ago, I answered the question "What forms of exercise do you prefer" with the answer 'NONE - I HATE IT ALL" (I was the first ever to write that apparently). Now I do at least 4 sessions a week. This week, I told my trainer I was going to go to every session she was running. She is running 8 - and so far, I've nailed 5 sessions! I injured my shoulder on Monday during the first session, but haven't let that stop me. I told the trainer, she's revising my training plan, and I'm still putting in 100% at training. I can't describe the feeling I have when I have finished a session, I'm exhausted and exhilarated all at once. Even though I'm almost always sore, I have never felt better. When my head hits the pillow now, I sleep. I am tired and exhausted because I worked hard! That is a really good feeling!

I guess what I really wanted to say with this post, is that 12WBT has changed me in a way I never thought would be possible. I have become a new me, and I am a happier, healthier and more confident version of myself than I ever thought possible. I couldn't have done it without 12WBT and my shuffle crew, but more importantly, I couldn't have done it if I'd continued to let excuses rule my life!

Getting Tired

So I'm loving this being under 100kg thing. Even when I'm tired it feels like a better quality of tired. I don't feel like a slack, lazy, useless bitch kind of tired, more like a I worked my ass off at the gym, or I went for a huge run and I'm knackered kind of tired. Compared to the tiredness of 2 months ago, it's awesome. There is something to be said for working hard to get tired....

I have just gotten home from the gym, and I am knackered - I worked out with another 12WBT friend and we had a great time, and we are going back for more tomorrow! Perhaps we're crazy - but it feels great to work out till we're tired!

Eye opener!

I have had an amazing week! I saw my naturopath and had a physiospect test. A physiospect is a diagnostic machine that can tell you about inflamation and disease to a cellular level. I have been telling my doctor for about 2 years that I thought I had issues with an underactive thyroid, because despite working out really hard I have trouble with weight and at times have been so fatigued hat an hour of exercise has made me need 4+ hours of sleep afterwards.  They finally did tests to say it was 'slightly' under-active  but within the normal numerical limits.

When I had the naturopathic test, I found I have a very under-active and under-performing thyroid, which has been putting an excessive amount of pressure on my kidneys and liver. I  have been juice fasting to help relieve some of the pressure on my body, which has lead me to have an abundance of energy! I lost 3kg this week, and managed quite a lot of exercise.

Today I'm lagging a little energy wise, but still feeling really good - I promised the kids we can go to the gym/PT this afternoon, so I am hoping to find some energy this afternoon!

Out of the box.

I woke this morning feeling a million times better. I had the kids on the bus early and decided to go for a bike ride in the beautiful sunshine. With RN in my ears and the sun on my shoulders I was off. I was feeling some tightness in my lower back after the first 2.5km, at the halfway point of my ride, I have the option of stopping or doing another 2.5. My lower back was telling me to stop, but my head and heart made me keep going. I walked gently up a massive hill, then continued on my ride. By the end of it, I actually felt much better and my back/hip had loosened up.

I have a session with my little workout group and our PT this afternoon, which I'm really looking forward to now. I'm feeling more energised than I have in weeks and feeling positive and ready to move forward toward my goals.

I'm even heading into the workshop today. I have been uninspired recently when it comes to my work. It's been quite a while since I've been in the workshop, I've kept all my study to design theory lately, and working on assignment based design work. My pain has had me unable to do heavy work for such a long time, but I'm feeling much stronger, and venturing into the workshop is not intimidating at the moment.

I have also been seriously questioned my role as a local designer.  Our local market is flooded with people whose idea of 'design' is to paint it white and knock it back. Most of these items have no design flair and are about 4 years behind trend at the exhibitions, and 2-3 years behind the retailers in Melbourne. These backyard hobbyists are swooping over the local buy-swap-sell sites and freecycle sites, fighting over furniture, paying nothing, painting it white and charging ten times what they paid - and people lapping it up.

I am wondering how the local designers, who have spent years studying, learning to create fine furniture with amazing joinery techniques and original designs, using amazing materials are able to compete with some of these back yarders... people in the area that I live aren't prepared to pay for quality design - so where does that leave me? Do I join the back yard mob, do I continue with trying to produce high quality furniture with innovative design - in an area that is full of designers (and a small population who can't service us all) or do I design for myself, create what I love and focus my energy into the mountain of jobs that could be done around the farm/house.

I think I'm set on the latter. I've no desire to compete with the backyarder's and the market is flooded by the hundreds of other graduates of our wonderful design course - many who are amazing makers and designers that produce high quality furniture. It is unfortunate the amount of highly talented designers who are working in other fields because it's so hard to make a living in this area in the field of furniture.  I will design for myself, family and friends, and save my crazy design ideas for a hobby, that will give me time to focus on cleaning up the farm, planting veggies, preserving, cooking and working on my hobby from my home workshop. The three and a half years that I have studied design won't be wasted on me, because I love design, and I always will. My years of study have opened my eyes to a world that never existed to me before, and with everything I make, and everything I upcycle, I will use the skills I've learned. I will always have a love for design in my life, but I need to move forward, as I am with all other areas of my life.

Today however I will work. I am working on a bookshelf to house a library that has been stuck in a box for a long time, desperate to get out. I'm thinking I'm a bit like my books, I've been trapped inside a box, unwilling and unable to do what I want to do, do what I love - because I had no energy. I'm so glad that about 2 months ago, I had the box open and I've gotten out. I'm glad I've found the energy to want to get back into the workshop, glad that I'm able to take time for my hobby, and glad that I'll be working on my bookshelf, that has been left abandoned for months! Loving the energy I have today!

Up's and Downs

It's been almost two weeks since I've logged in to the blog. Firstly, the blog's received over 2,000 site visits. Thank-you! For a blog that's only a couple of months old, and is primarily to vent the thoughts from a crazy woman's head to have such a following already humbles me.

I haven't been onto the blog the last couple of weeks as things have been busy, upsetting, busy, and then just a bit full on. My last post was from Melbourne, where I was visiting my Dad who was in hospital after having major surgery. His recovery has been up and down, and it has been very hard to see him like that. Some of the advice that was administered by medical staff appalled me - especially things like being instructed to drink coke (because the sugar will give him energy, and coffee will dehydrate you *aaarrrrrrgggghh) and that fried fish with the batter stripped off is acceptable post-op food, was upsetting for me. I knew the advice was wrong, but he chose to follow it, because they are medical professionals. Throughout his treatment, he's been told to eat processed refined foods, sugars and lollies. I get quite upset by this, because the people who are supposed to heal, are making patients sicker by advising antiquated and ridiculous ideology about food that could come from the 1950's.

The upset I felt sent me on a 3 day binge, I ate meat (after over a year as a vegetarian  drank beer, ate shitloads of cheese and drank a ton of coffee (I was in Melbourne - what's a girl to do) I ate wheat, and I even got drunk and ate McDonalds. I came home from Melbourne with my tail between my legs, and knew I'd have to pay for my 'sins'. I was really pissed off at myself for letting what was happening with my Dad send me to food, because eating shit food wasn't helping him at all, and it made me feel abysmal. The weigh in from Melbourne on foreign scales put me up by a kilo and a half, but after a few days home and some serious clean eating, I got my weight below what it was pre-Melbourne. So my week 6 weight was 500grams less than week 4, which after the binge-fest I had in Melbourne I'm super happy about.

I've had a couple of good gym sessions since I've been home (which may be responsible for my loss post-binge) but have been a bit lazy with exercise. I only trained 4 days out of the last 7. I ran with the PT the other day, and my ankle swelled up again. 6 weeks after the sprain and I'm still suffering, I might have to make another doctor's appointment to have it looked at. I'm also feeling terribly unmotivated. I went to the 12WBT site to see if I could change that and realised I haven't watched any of the videos since week 4. Tomorrow I'm going to watch all the videos and snip tips and I'm setting myself back on track.

 I'm not sure how I'll go this Weigh in Wednesday, because this week, I've had a couple of pretty crappy days with nutrition and like I mentioned, only 4 training days this week. I had a couple of sneaky weigh in's this week, on Thursday, I was only 800g off my less than 100kg goal, and yesterday, I was back up to 102. I must stop these sneaky weigh in's and just wait for Wednesdays! Wish me luck!!!!

A huge week.

This has been a massive week, it's been 7 days since Dad had his surgery, and he is having ups and downs. I am in Melbourne, and have been for a few days - which is a very tempting place. I have been pretty good, only having coffee and cake once - that is like a record for me! I've been stressed, and haven't really succumbed to a binge-fest, so I guess that is a little victory.

The building I'm staying with has a gym, and I worked out yesterday, but not today. I went Ice-skating for the first time ever - and I sucked!!!! It seemed to pick up the pain of every minor injury I have, and make them feel major. I've walked the usual million miles a day I walk in Melbourne, and I'm in so much pain. All in all, I'm having a really crappy run of things. It is really hard to cope watching someone you love not doing so well, especially when external factors are also making my fibromyalgia flare up. I am patting myself on the back for not binging... I'm celebrating the small wins at the moment, as I'm not having big ones. I had a gain this week, but I'm not entirely sure how much, as I was weighing in on different scales, I'll have to see how i go next week when I'm weighing in at home.

What a week!!

I have had a great week, with a small loss of 100grams and lots of good calorie burns. This week on the program, we do a mini milestone, we retake the fitness test, and take our measurements. I am stoked with the results. In 3 weeks and 3 days, I managed to lose 52cm from my body!!!! I also took 1.40 off my 1km running time, and have improved in every test!

I'm pushing myself in the gym in ways I honestly never thought was possible, and today, my trainer was using ME as a selling point to a new client from the gym. She was sprouting off my losses in centimetres, and I heard her tell the client I was a 'hardcore machine'! Me, who wrote on my gym application that I loathed all exercise! Me, who claimed she couldn't do anything - she was talking about me! A hardcore machine!

Today I gave her lip (as I tend to do) and she challenged me to take a run up and down the street with a medicine ball held above my head - she knew I wouldn't resist the challenge..... after about 20 seconds, I really wanted to - but I didn't. When I got back I could see she was surprised that I'd made it, but she was proud. I also am starting to get so many compliments about how healthy I look and how great I look. That is pretty cool too!

Another really cool thing happened this week. This picture is from the Choices flooring ad. I love this ad, it is a woman who is happily dancing through her house to Fat Boy Slim and is caught by her handsome man, who then joins her in her dancing. I really like this ad, and I always wished that I was a happy person like her - I wanted her life, the beautiful house, (the nice floor-coverings) the hot man, and the passion for life that makes you dance through your house.

This week, I realised - I am dancing through life now - I caught myself dancing several times this week, and then thought - I might not have the hot fella, but I'm becoming like the lady from the Choices flooring ad! That is awesome!

SSS & kids nutrition

So today I did a SSS (Super Saturday Session {that burns 1000 cals}) - and it was the first time I did the actual workout from the  program. All I can say is HOLY HECK!!!! It took me a mammoth 2hours and 15mins to complete it, but I did! Part of the reason that I took so long to do the circuit 4 times, is that I had my family with me. We worked out together in the sun, the kids and Mr. CK and I - and it was great. I had to teach the kids how to do most of the exercises, but they did spectacularly!!

There were many times during the SSS that I nearly vomited, and many, many times that I wanted to stop - but I didn't, and that workout, as hard as it was, is possibly the thing I have done in my life that I am the most proud of. I was still so bloody sore from my rowing during the week, and I was quite buggered by the end of the warm up (5 mins of step ups) and really wanted to quit already. My awesome family were there to push me through and encourage me, and that kept me going. I wanted to quit, almost the whole time - the pain was killing me, and my heart rate was so high, all I wanted to do was vomit. But I did it, and I feel awesome!

I think training is like hitting ourselves in the head with a hammer - It feels so damn good when we stop. The difference is, with the hammer, we have a headache all day, with training, you just feel awesome all day!!!

I'm so proud of my family today - we worked our asses off, and we all did the best we could. We working out all the food stuff together, we are training together, we are using the knowledge we gain every day to empower ourselves as individuals and as a family. 

Yesterday, someone told me that I am 'so lucky you can get your kids to eat all the healthy food you eat'. To that I call Bullshit!!!!!!! I have children who eat what I eat because I offer them no choice. I am the adult, they are the children - it is my duty to make sure they are as healthy as they can be, and that starts with what they put in their mouths.

 I'll admit, I am one of those parents who let my children eat McDonalds, KFC and Pizza when they were younger, they were allowed Icy-poles, Lollies, Chips, White Bread and Sugar and Processed Foods. They ate basically the same crap diet that I was eating (minus the coke). The reason that they don't eat any of these things is because the more I educate myself on nutrition, and the more we learn about how to eat well, the less inclined I became to put crap into my body. If it doesn't go into my body, then why the hell would I let my children eat it?

Of course at times there is resistance from them, but they are intelligent people. When they ask for something that is rubbish, something that I won't eat and won't let them eat, I explain to them, like the intelligent people that they are, why they can't have it, and then I offer them a healthy alternative. My children won't go into a McDonalds or KFC with my blessing, they know if they do choose to go of their own volition (as they are getting into their teen/peer-pressure years) that they will be making a bad choice and I'll be disappointed.

Getting my kids onto a really healthy diet, has been a huge amount of work, and I'm quite offended by the notion that it's LUCK that has my kids eating well. It is my hard work and their own intelligence and willpower that has them eating so well. 

I am blessed that now, they are taking the same approach with fitness that they take with nutrition. They have soccer once a week, they accompany me to the gym at least once a week, and SSS is mandatory. The thing that really fills my heart with joy, is that they absolutely slogged their guts out during the session, not because they had to, but because they wanted to. I'm a proud Mum right now!

Food

"I believe that many of the ills and problems which beset modern society can be linked to the processed, mass-produced food we eat. We have to keep asking: What is in the food we buy, how has it been grown, and which pesticides have been sprayed onto it?" - Peter Cundall

I just opened my Gardening Australia Magazine to this quote by GA's former host, he is a personal hero of mine because of his philosophies on food production, as is the new host Costa.  These men display such a passion for gardening and they empower people to grow their own food. I love learning from these men.

Growing my own food is one of the simple joys in my life - and it is making me healthier day by day.

That makes me happy!

Sunshine and happy days

So this rather awful 'selfie' is to show off one of my exciting new items of the day. My lovely friend had this gorgeous top on one of the facebook Buy, Swap & Sell sites. It is a size 14, so I bought it with the hope of fitting into it by the end of the round. IT FITS ME NOW!!!!!! I'll be honest, if it fits me now, it's a very, very generous size 14, but that is what the tag says, and my friend who sold it to me is quite a bit smaller up top so it must have hung off her - all the same, I'm excited. Add to my excitement, the jeans in the pic, which are quite tight - size 16's that I've never fitted into. In January, I was a size 22, and weighed in at 114.9 - when I signed up for 12WBT, I was a size 20 and weighed 107.9. To fit into clothes with 16 & 14 on he label is awesome!!! I've only got 1.8 to get under 100. I haven't been under 100kg since the birth of my daughter Miss J 10 1/2 years ago!

I went for a job interview in my casual attire today - and got the job. It is a cleaning job at a local accommodation place that sleeps up to 120 people. Several years ago, I used to clean offices for a part time job. I am a big believer in moving forward, and I always said I wouldn't go back to cleaning or food service jobs again.

 Then a friend put it into perspective for me -

1. You want to go to Sydney

2. You don't get paid to clean at home!

3. Someone actually wants to pay you to clean for them

4. They want to pay you to burn calories

So ok, this all makes perfect sense to me - and to be honest, I'm not in any way a job snob, but I've worked really hard in the last few years with my study, and I want to feel like I am moving forward with my life, not going back to where I was years ago. However, the job and money suit me well, the people are really nice and totally cool with my need for flexibility because of my study/kids/life. 

If I want to change my field of study to holistic medicine next year (which I'm seriously considering) I will need some serious job flexibility and I think I'll have it here. I also liked the couple who run the place very much, and feel that they could really use a break, they are so tired from running the place 24/7 for many years - them having me will lighten the load. 

I also got an update on my Great-Uncle, he is lucid, his memory is good, and he's got sensation in the fingers on both sides.... He still can't move his hand or arm on the paralysed side, but the doctors say the feeling is very promising. 

So all in all, today is a great day - my clothes fit, I got a job, and my Uncle is doing better. 

Life is just so much better on the days you wake up to a warm sun!

S

Determination

My trainer took this photo of me on the rowing machine. She wanted to be able to see the look on my face. Now I know why. That is what determination looks like. Who would have thought, that I would look like that in a gym!

Major setback

Tuesday, I was so proud of myself, I'd kicked some ass at the gym, come home and done a great yoga session with Miss J and felt fantastic.

When I weighed in yesterday, after WWW (wake, wee, weigh) I had lost 1.2, I was stoked - and I know that ass kicking workout, made the difference in my numbers. Then it was time to get the kids up for school - Master D had been up several times through the night with gastro. His temp was way up... I hate it when he's sick, it doesn't happen often, but it hits HARD and he's very clingy.

I got a phone call from my mother, my great-uncle, had a major stroke, and is now totally paralysed down one side, and Dad's surgery is next week. Nanna (great uncle's twin) is a complete mess, and I'll need to help out with her while Dad's in Melbourne. Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!

I had my Nanna live with me for a year a couple of years back, and it was hard. We had to renovate the house, right down to things like taps (her hands don't work well) and the shower (she couldn't shower herself and we had staff in to do that) and moving furniture to accommodate her walking frame. Looking after her, is a huge amount of work. She had her first heart attack at 50, and has spent the last 42 years declining in health every day. Her quality of life, is crap, and it is very hard to watch someone deteriorate, but continue to make the same lifestyle choices that got them there in the first place.  Her twin brother, is the polar opposite, until only 2 weeks ago, he was waking up, walking 5km to get the paper, grabbing a latte 'down the street' and reading his paper, walking back home. Red wine with dinner, still had his licence, still lived alone and was the picture of good health. He  is who I aspire to be like when I am older, his good health and positive attitude to life, something I hope to emulate. I haven't spent the hugest amount of time with him, but he's my favourite great uncle, and he's an extraordinary man - who I love and respect very much.

A couple of weeks ago, he had a turn, and was told he can't live alone. He was put into nursing care. Tuesday night, he had a major stroke. A stroke has taken out his mother and several siblings, and I'm quite sure it will be the end of my Uncle too. I fear for how my Nanna will cope with the loss, and fear that may be more than she can bear.

My Dad, has been fighting cancer for a few months, and we've been waiting for his surgery date, it's next week, which is good news, but I can't be there with him. I need to be looking after Nanna. Mum will be with Dad, so that is ok, but I wanted to be there too.

So all this news yesterday, while I was looking after my sick boy, was more than I could handle. I hit the chocolate, then for dinner, fish and chips. I think I ate around 2000 calories in junky shit food. I can't believe that at the first sign of trouble I will revert to these patterns. I felt like crap, and completely useless and worthless. What kind of stupid idiot can't see that food isn't going to fix anything. Eating shit food doesn't help me, eating shit food makes me feel like crap! Last night, I was oh-so-sorry for myself. I felt awful, I had pain flare ups, my fibromyalgia wanted to remind me why I shouldn't eat crap. So in addition to being upset, feeling bad for my family, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what was going to happen - I felt guilty, stupid, worthless and in pain.

The girls in one of the 12WBT support groups were there with wonderful words of support, and I want to thank them all for the good ju-ju, love and positive vibes they sent me. They all know what I'm going through, and many have used food as a crutch at times, so they knew what to say to make me feel less guilty, stupid and worthless - the pain.....fibro isn't as forgiving as friends are!

I stepped on the scales this morning to see what my sugar/salt binge has done, I followed weigh in procedure WWW - I'd put on 1 whole kilo. Gutted! I am hoping that it is some fluid retention because of all the salt I binged on. If it's not, I'm hoping it's lesson learned. I am really needing a good workout, and I'm hoping beating the crap out of the heavy bag might help me deal with some of the emotions.

I want to thank my friends, my online friends, and my 12WBT support friends. The messages, the love without judgement, has been invaluable. Thank-you. x

Pride!

I can not believe I have buned 14000 calories in 16 days! No wonder I'm feeling awesome! I'm actually proud of myself too - I like that feeling!

Happy

Learning to feel my emotions

So the other day, I had a bit of an epiphany moment (these are happening really quite frequently nowadays!) It was Sunday afternoon, the house looked like a bomb had gone off, I was doing a bit of a cook-up for the week ahead and trying to figure out how to modify the 12WBT recipes to make them allergy friendly.

Since finding out about Miss J's allergies, I have been very conscious that the house needs top to tail spring cleaning, de-cluttering and extreme organisation to help keep the allergens to a minimum. I have been doing bits from an online organising challenge, starting with hidden things like inside cupboards. I'm about 5 days behind on the daily tasks, and the house is NOT looking more organised, in fact, it looks like a bomb hit it. So put me in the middle of mess, trying to cook, feeling guilty about getting behind in my study, my housework, my washing - and the kids were in a happy-hyped up mood making lots of noise, and I was over it all!

Usually, I would go mental - I'd yell, and make everyone else feel miserable for not contributing to helping me look after the housework - but I didn't. I allowed myself to feel it - examine it, try to work out what I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, and I realised I've been feeling it all week. Spending all my spare time out doing fencing was great for the calorie burn, great to help me get some sun, it had me feeling awesome and full of light. Then I'd walk into my messy, neglected house, too tired to do anything, and I'd feel immediately burdened.

So on Sunday, while I'm trashing the kitchen trying to do a huge cook up, feeling overwhelmed with the enormous task ahead of cleaning the house and get on track with study the ex, Mr CK walks in. He can see I'm upset and asks why. I tell him I'm feeling totally overwhelmed with all I have to do, and don't know how I'm going to get it done. He does whatever he came into the house for, and leaves. I don't feel any better, until I see the kids wandering outside with a basket of washing to peg out. I go out to see what they are doing. Master D tells me, Dad said you were feeling overwhelmed, so he asked us to put on a load of washing and to peg these out to help you feel better. We want to help you.

It was in that moment, that I realise, that sometimes, asking for help doesn't make you weak - which is what I had believed my entire life, sometimes, it even allows the people we love, the opportunity to help us.

The house still looks like a bomb has hit it, in fact, it's worse than it was before (because the kids have decided to de-clutter their rooms, and they have pulled everything out of everywhere - bomb city) but I am feeling slightly less overwhelmed by it all, because I know that I have help if I need to ask for it.

Love

This morning's blog post about the changes my family are making in our diet because of my daughter has gotten a lot of feedback through facebook. I've received messages from people I didn't know read my blog, and they have been overwhelmingly supportive. I'm feeling humbled by some of the wonderful things that they have said, but feel it's a little unwarranted - as I am sure most of them would do the same for their children.

I just wanted to say, all I'm doing is focussing on the solution - Love. I love my family, more than anything on earth, and I am learning day by day, to love myself. Changing our diet, exercising together and our daily yoga practice (which are far more challenging than I'd have expected and I'm feeling some serious DOMS today) aren't really sacrifices for me - because I know that all these changes will benefit the people I love - including myself.  Sometimes in life, we need to stop looking at the hardships in our life, stop looking at the traumas and dramas, and focus on the solution.  LOVE <3

A huge week!

So I had a huge week,  I lost 1.7kg, and ate clean all week, I burned over 9000 cals - manual fencing, plus lots of hills, will do that to  you!! The wind was terrible later in the week, so I didn't get to finish the fencing, but on the weekend - success. The fence is live....that should keep the bloody cattle in!

I also had more tests done on my beautiful daughter. After 11 years of medicine failing her, I decided on a holistic route. In a 2 hour consultation, that used some serious technological equipment for diagnosing and seeing the areas of sickness and inflammation in the body - I finally know not only what is wrong with her, but how to fix it. It will mean some pretty serious dietary changes, not only for her but for me as well, which means no (or limited) dairy, no wheat, no nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes, capsicum, chilli) no olives, oranges, bananas, chickpeas - the list goes on. It isn't a 'forever' thing, once our bodies are functioning, we can re-introduce these foods, in small amounts. To me, the extreme amount of hard work this will cause, and the feeling of deprivation on not eating my favourite 'wog girl' foods, is nothing if it manages to give my daughter good health after an entire lifetime of being sick.

On Saturday night, a friend took me to the cinema for a fundraising evening. She asked after Miss J.'s health as she always does. My friend doesn't believe in anything outside the status-quo, so I knew that she wasn't going to buy into the results of the tests. Now before I continue, I want to make it clear, the diagnostic machine is used in mainstream medicine in several countries throughout the world, but Australia just hasn't caught up - this isn't airy-fairy stuff. This is science. However to my friend it may has well been some archaic ritual performed by a medicine man - who then throws roots and herbs at her. After hearing her criticism's I changed the subject, as I didn't want it to ruin our evening.

Once we got to the fundraiser, there was champagne and nibbles. The basic soft cheese, dip, olives, cabana type platters. Being a vegetarian, the cabana was out, but then so were the olives, the soft cheese, and all but one of the dips. The biscuits had wheat, so I had a couple of corn chips, with the dip I was allowed. I had not long had dinner, and wasn't at all hungry, so I didn't mind. My friend then chose to make a production about how she would quite honestly rather die than to give up the foods that she loves. She said, she'd rather live a short life, with great food, than to live a long one being miserable and eating all the healthy crap I eat.

 That one floored me..... She is a very well educated woman, she's in great health, she's got a beautiful body, she's flexible (she can do a forward standing bend at 42 like a 6 year old does it) and she eats reasonably healthily, although she has a meat/pasta heavy diet. She is often tired, and she doesn't exercise. She is one of those lucky people that doesn't seem to put on weight - she maintains her figure no matter what she eats.

I on the other hand, have been very careful about food for over 2 years. With fibromyalgia, if you eat crap food, you feel it in every cell of your body. I actually think to some degree this makes me the lucky one. I am forced to eat good food, that is kind to my body. This doesn't mean I didn't succumb to cravings and eat the wrong thing, I just paid for it, so binges became more and more infrequent. A night at a friends with a bottle of wine and nibbles made me feel like shit, so I'd only have a glass, and then drink water all night. It has really made me accountable for what I put in my mouth. My friend, has never had to do that.

I was really disappointed that she would say she'd rather die than give up food she loves, and that 'a short happy life, is better than a long miserable one'. Both of our fathers are fighting cancer. Right Now. They are fighting hard, and it has affected her and I in a way that I can't explain, and that no-one can understand unless their Daddy is fighting against the 'Big C'. Both of our Dads have spent their whole lives eating and drinking whatever they liked, with absolutely no accountability. They haven't gotten pain from a big night on the piss the way I do (sometimes for a week or more in my case) they haven't had aches, pains and lethargy if they eat processed foods, their high sugar diet, was feeding their cancer, but they didn't have the pain to alert them to the disease in their body the way I do. I do believe I am the lucky one - my pain, keeps me accountable.

So changing our diets drastically, no big deal in this house - and doing it for my daughter, HELL YEAH!!!! Tonight's menu on 12WBT is for Lasagne, so I decided to follow the recipe using a meat alternative as it is Miss J's favourite food. So she's wheat free and can't have tomatoes. I will admit, it took some thinking about, but I made it work. She's having pumpkin based lasagne, gluten free pasta, with pumpkin soup in the sauce, with mushrooms, zucchinni, carrot, celery onion, garlic and herbs. It's good, it's clean, no crap - and best of all - delicious. I don't mind having to change our diets again, and play with 12WBT recipes if they contain a food we can't eat - because food, is just food. My family is my life.

I kept thinking about my friend's reaction to me choosing to support my daughter and eat only the food she can eat. Initially I was a bit mad, who is she to judge me, and to say that choosing a long, healthy life is not right - to say that food, is more important than health, and so say that food, is what equates to happiness. Then it hit me, I actually felt sorry for her. She is an amazing person, who I love very much, but she has crap going on in her life that really sucks. She isn't at times a happy person, and stress really affects her and gets to her. I think food is her comfort, and because she is so thin, and so healthy, she doesn't need to concern herself the way I do. I feel sorry that she puts so much importance on the food that goes into her mouth, as if not eating olives or salami will make her a different person to the person she has always been. The thing that makes me the most sad, is that she sees all the positive changes in me, but can't see, that the changes that have helped me, might help her too. It's not just about weight, it's about happiness.

So to me, the food - inconvenient as it may be to prepare, is no big deal. It is the people that I share my food with that matter to me. If tomatoes and olives, camembert and bikkies are off the menu, I shall enjoy veggies and rice with my children - hopefully for a really, really long time to come!

Busy Busy Busy = Big Calorie Burns!

So I guess my busy, busy, busy story begins on Saturday. My first SSS (Super Saturday Session) of the 12WBT program, I had pre-arranged to meet up with a friend Leash to do a mini-dune challenge. She's off to do Hell Hill in Cronulla, and we thought this would be a fun warm up for that - so we'd decided to hit the beach in beautiful Lakes. As always, I was very early, and I knew she'd be a little late, so the family and I decided to do the cardio circuit near the footbridge. Then we saw the most beautiful little group of dolphins swim right by us only a few metres away, the kids excitedly ran to the footbridge to watch them pass underneath, then to their surprise and delight, another group came right behind them - 7 in total! We also saw some beautiful signets with Mamma and Daddy Swan. Good things happen when you get up early to train!!!

Leash and I had a great session, and we burned over 1000 cals! Then it was home to begin fencing.
Not the cool fencing that has swords and masks - the kind with post hole diggers, insulators and running wires through paddocks.

 Now despite living on a farm for 7 years, I'm relatively new to farm work, as until now, it's not really interested me, and the old lazy me was content to watch others do it. The new me decided she's up to learn something new, and to challenge herself with a big task. I decided to try to burn over 1000 cals a day fencing to see if I could!  I'm really pleased to say that this morning is my 4th consecutive day of fencing, and I've burned over 2000 each day so far, and in the first hour of work this morning, I'm up to 490 cals - this puts me on track for a big burn today. I've never worked so hard in my life, and I'm exhausted when my head hits the pillow at night, but I'm feeling an enormous sense of satisfaction at seeing the results of my labour.

I've been eating clean all week for my first week, and am proud of that, I must admit, because I'm so busy, I'm not finding time to get emotional and bored and eat for no good reason, so this being outdoors, working my ass off busy, kind of agrees with me. This morning, I did a bit of a cheeky, and weighed myself, expecting a big burn..... to see I've ONLY lost a kilo since last weigh in. I have to admit, I was GUTTED!!!!!! All that hard work for 1 stinky measly kilo.....

Now I have to say, back in the days when I did watch The Biggest Loser, I used to get so frustrated seeing people who would get disappointed at any loss, because it was a loss, so why were they whinging??? But I felt it, I felt such disappointment that my hard work hadn't paid off. What's the point of all the had work, if you don't have the numbers come off??

So this morning, bright and early at 7.45am, after dropping the kids to the bus I hit the paddocks again, a little more discouraged than yesterday, off to dig some post holes (with a manual post hole digger which is very labour intensive - getting about 170-180 HR from me) and think. It's a beautiful day here in the sun, and I have t admit, I'm actually enjoying the manual labour.  While working I realised, that the old me, the one who died a couple of weeks back allowing the new me to be born, would never be standing in a paddock at 7.45am, alone with her thoughts and a post hole digger. She'd still be in her pyjamas, on her 4th coffee, watching the morning show and trying to study.

I never started this program to crunch numbers, to compete for a title of best transformation or to care about weight loss. I did it because I want to feel good, be strong, be fit, be healthy, kick fibromyalgia's ass, and set an example to my children about a better way to live than we have. So I say, screw the numbers, screw my 1kg....screw cheeky weigh in's. I don't give a shit about the numbers, I'm not in any competition with anyone. I'm here to get strong, I'm here to be healthy, and these 4 days of fencing might not show on the scales, but they are showing on my face.

Last night at the dinner table, I caught sight of something (reflected in the window behind my daughters head) I haven't seen since I was about 17 year old - my jawbone! I Wasn't doing a photo pose thing to get it to protrude, I wasn't even looking for it, it was just there. I even caught a glimpse of cheekbone, and my collarbone is on show alongside some shoulder/chest muscles. So I don't give a shit about the numbers - and I'm thinking about finding the rest of the jaw, collarbone, clavicle and muscles that are developing under the fat - because when the fat goes, those muscles will look awesome!

Best of all, despite feeling sore and tired, I FEEL AWESOME!!

A massive blow

Yesterday, I got news that felt like a massive blow to the head. I found out my daughter is sick. I had always known that she was a sickly kid, but yesterday I found out that there are reasons. Without going into to much detail, she has allergies to many common household allergens, meaning to control her illness, we have to remove carpets from her room, and repaint- be clean to an almost OCD level, do daily stretching/massage and that is just a couple of things from the 5 page list. She could also be a ceoliac, and worst of all have an immune disorder which would explain her constant illnesses. She still requires at least 3 more surgeries (she's already had 12 procedures) this year or the beginning of next, and she has to brave through this oncoming allergy season with no real immune function.

My list of things to do, people to consult with and research areas is enormous, and I'm feeling so depressed, and totally overwhelmed. I am entirely sure that she can be cured, naturally, holistically, but I just don't know where to start. I am blessed to have friends who are more knowledgeable than me in holistic medicine and nutritional therapies - and they have told me they are on board to help. I am blessed to have friends like them, and I know that in the end, my girl will be fine - but right now I'm mentally spent - still dealing with the bloody cows/farm fencing issues (which will end up costing over a grand to fix) and the stresses of the kids being sick, and now all of my daughters health problems compounding my stress.

Today I can't stop crying, the smallest thing set me off Mr.CK rang me to try to ease my mind about the fencing issue but spoke grumpily to me and set me off again. I hung up on him, and when he rang back 10 minutes later, the sound of his voice was enough to start me bawling again.  I am so overwhelmed with trying to process what I need to do to help my daughter, I don't even know what to do.

It is so unfair to have a child who has spent her whole life being sick, feeling pain and having surgeries. I know there are many, many people who are worse off than us, and going through real struggle and adversity, and usually remembering that, and seeing how lucky we are to lead such a privileged  life reinvigorates my spirit, but today it does not. Today, all I can do is cry for her.

I haven't trained for 2 days, Wednesday is my rest day, and yesterday, I was too upset and unmotivated. I don't really want to train today, I'm not sure if it will just exhaust me more or give me a little bit on an energy pick me up. I know that it is really important for me to look after myself and continue working on fixing my own health problems so I can be there to look after my daughter, but all I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry.

The only thing that has made me smile so far today, is knowing that despite how shitty I feel, and how broken my spirit feels today, I haven't deviated from my food plan in the last couple of days. Normally these feelings of helplessness and upset would send me to seek solace in food. I have not done that. I feel good about that.

Perhaps I will train, in the hope that it gives me the pick me up I need to start looking at this situation more optimistically.

Crankypants!

Today I totally had my cranky-pants on. More cow/fencing issues, requiring me to work till after dark repairing fences (with no real idea of what the hell I was doing) which annoyed me so much, considering I hadn't even slung my gym bag into the house or seen my two (yep two) sick kids. My poor hands are scratched sore and bleeding from fencing wire, and I stupidly forgot the I had a really sore knee, and I knelt on it quite hard while twitching some wire to the bottom of the fence.

The whole time I was chasing stupid cows and fixing stupid fences today I felt crap, totally resentful of the fact that I was doing it, despite it not being my responsibility - and hating the fact that I wasn't spending time with my poor sick children. I dreamed of two things...... cigarettes and coke - ok maybe three things.... chocolate too! For several hours, while wearing my cranky-pants, I thought of all my old crutches. I wanted them, and I wanted them badly.

I'm proud that I didn't indulge in any of the things I fantasised about - I know a few days ago, I would have. It was a close call today, but I stayed strong. I hope tomorrow is a better day, I'd like just a little less stress - and I'd love to stop worrying about these bloody cattle destroying my orchard, and eating all my kale!

If they don't watch themselves, I'll reconsider my vegetarianism!

Day 1 of my 12WBT!

So today is the day! It is my first day on 12WBT - I have to say, I'm really excited about it. I was out of bed before the alarm, and off to the kitchen to make breakfast/lunch for the family (who are my support crew - and are following the eating plan with me) with a song in my heart and a  skip in my step.  The day had started on exactly the right note - and I was excited!

While I'm sharing everything, I must disclose my rather unconventional living arrangement. I live in a house on a farm, with 2 of the most amazing children {Master D. almost 12 and Miss J, 10}  that God put breath into. Outside, attached to my garage/workshop is a little flat, that my estranged husband {Mr. CK} lives in. He is a workaholic who doesn't spend the hugest amount of time at home, and this arrangement works for us, as it means he gets to spend time with the aforementioned amazing children, and for the last 2 1/2 years, this arrangement has proved to work very well for my odd little family.

So back to today...... I wake the children for breakfast, and Miss J drags herself from bed, with a sore tummy and a headache {not unusual for my girl, who is a sick child who misses approx 10 weeks a year of school through illnesses and surgeries} telling me that she really doesn't want to go to school today.  This already throws me off my game, as I hadn't pictured my day with Miss J home. Then Mr. CK comes into the house from his little flat, telling me there is a fresh cow turd on his doorstep, this means there has been a cow in the house yard overnight. This is putting me in a bit of a shitty mood..... so Mr. CK is outside looking for the elusive cow, I'm inside with a sick girl, and trying to get Mr. D organised for school - the cow isn't located, and it's assumed that it made its way back to the paddock...... I make breakfast for everyone but me, and lunch for the menfolk and send them on their way.

With the fellas out the door, and cuddles with Ms. J done for a bit I make breakfast and sit down to eat it, while working out my day and how I'll get training in with Miss J home. Breakky was pretty good, and Miss J was insistent that she'd be ok while I was off on my bike for half an hour, as she had her phone, I had mine and I could be back in a couple of minutes if required. So off to the shed to grab my bike.....

When my bike comes out of the shed, it has 2 flat tyres, and my pump was broken! As mentioned, we live on a farm and I have no desire to go to town today. I ring Mr CK to see if he has one, and he does not, but reminds me that I had to drop a friends birthday present to her today, and that she would have one.  He was right, she did...  and I was again happy. However while I was there dropping off presents and collecting pumps I got a call from Miss J. There was another friggin cow out of the paddock! In the 6 minutes it took me to get home, there were 3 cattle out. So without my sprained, sore ankle in the brace I'm supposed to be wearing, I chase the cattle, with sick Miss J for 20 minutes. My ankle is really hurting by this stage - but we get the cattle contained (albeit one next door).

I come inside, and I'm already buggered, I call the cattle owner, let off some steam and then slump down on the couch. It is at this point, the old me would have given up on the thought of training today..... and the new me had that thought briefly too - but I did not!  I went outside, I pumped up my tyres and I went for a ride.

When I got home from my ride, I asked Miss J to come out into the sun with me while I completed the outdoor circuit from the 12WBT plan. She came outside, she told me which exercise to do, in which order and she cheered me on when I needed it.

Yesterday, this beautiful soul watched me cry after seeing photographs of myself  in underwear.  Master D tried to console me by saying "Mum, you're not fat", Miss J told him, "don't lie to her - she knows she is fat, but she will never be this fat again because she's going to fix herself".  Today, she watched me resist the urge to quit, she watched my muscles tremble as I did push ups, squats, tricep dips, she did burpees with me to encourage me - she watched me with pride in her eyes. It was at the very moment that I saw how proud  my beautiful, strong, fit, healthy and athletic little girl is of her obese Mum, struggling to make it through a workout - I can NOT fail at this. It isn't just my life that has been affected by me becoming an obese, unhealthy and unhappy person - it affects my family. The old me, the me that died yesterday when she saw those photo's, she would have quit - she would have taken the sick child, the cattle, the flat tyres, the broken pump and the sore ankle - and used them as an excuse. The new me needs to be a role model for her son and daughter - because now I know what it looks like to see pride in her eyes and I think I'm addicted to that.

Photos and tears

I took the photos tonight. My beautiful daughter pointed a camera at me while I stood humiliated in bra and panties, fat hanging out there for the world to see. I looked at the photos, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have never been more sickened by a photo. I guess by avoiding mirrors, and not being naked, I haven't had to acknowledge what I really look like, and by 'dressing for my size', and 'flattering my curves' I haven't acknowledged it at all.

The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.

I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see.  I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!

I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different.  I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!

Bring it on!

More set backs!

Imagine my devastation at having a fall on Thursday and rolling my ankle! Only days away from my start date for the 12WBT and I'd rendered myself useless. The doctor doesn't want me to run on my ankle for a month to six weeks. I have the perfect excuse to sit on my ass and not train - but for some reason, something in me has already changed, now I want to be able to train.

I'm not sure what has switched in me, what has made the change in my thinking, as I haven't even started the program yet, and already I feel different. I feel like I deserve to be a better me, and I want to do well with my first round. I'm a bit of a geek, and the thought of seeing my numbers change is sure going to help keep me motivated. 

Today, I woke up, slathered my ankle with comfrey, strapped then braced my ankle and wedged it into a sneaker. I jogged/walked my 1km time trial, in just over 10 mins (10.12) and did it holding the hand of my daughter. She is very proud of me for not making excuses, and I must admit, I'm a little proud of myself too. For the next month I'm going to listen to the doctor, and I'll do bike/boxing work to get my heart rate up, but I'm glad I went for a jog with my little girl today. 

This afternoon, the kids and I will do a cook up from the week 1 menu, and then I'll do the nasty photo task and take measurements. I'm going into this with the attitude that I can't possibly fail if I set myself up for success!  This time I will JFDI!!!!

Wish me luck!

Set-backs

Today I had a major setback. I had an interview for a job I really wanted to get. It was the worst job interview I've ever been a part of. I screwed it up royally - mostly, because I have such a difficult time expressing anything positive about myself.

In the car on the way home I had chocolate, coke and a whole pack of mentos. I was on the verge of tears the whole way home, so upset that I had fucked it up. I wasn't even a little bit confident, I felt fat, unattractive and stupid - and my old mindset kicked in. The food will make you feel better - after that awful experience, you deserve a treat - the old crap that got me feeling so fat, unattractive an stupid in the first place. I hate feeling like this.

The only good thing about today, I won't spend the next three weeks wondering if I got the job......

Say it out loud.

I have dreaded this very post since the moment I joined 12WBT 14 days ago. I have been keenly working my way through pre-season tasks, setting goals and quashing excuses happily. In 14 short days I have honestly worked hard to concentrate on my mind-set in relation to changing my life, and becoming a stronger, fitter, happier and healthier version of myself - and I'm not too modest to say, I'm really starting to get somewhere with it! I am making better choices, I'm working out - and I'm not hating it! I have lost 3.5 kilos, and I haven't even started on Mish's plan yet - the pre-season tasks are working for me!

This task however has filled me with dread. This task is about accountability. Mish makes no demand on who you share this information with, but for me, the more open I am and the more transparency there is with my intentions, the more accountable I will feel. The reason I have been filled with fear, is because I decided that I am going the whole hog. I am sharing my number and several of my goals here, and on facebook. This means that people I went to high school with, (the nice ones and the ones that will be judging me), ex colleagues, my ex-hubby's family, my family, friends both old and new and anyone who reads this blog,  will know my number. That number that no-one ever wants to disclose.

The reason I have decided to post it so very publicly, along with my goals, is so that I have absolutely no choice but to succeed. If I tell people my number, I tell people my goals and then I fail - I will DIE from the humiliation. This works for me - this will motivate me, this will spur me on when I want to give in, when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning..... It will help me to JFDI ( Just F*&king Do It!!) when I really don't want to.

So here goes...............On the day I joined 2 weeks ago, I weighed in at 107.9kg. I have since lost 3.5 kg, and now sit very uncomfortably at 104.4kg. My 168cm frame doesn't carry this weight well, and it causes me physical pain, tiredness and severe lethargy. I have fibromyalgia, which is exacerbated by carrying excessive weight. I carry a lot of mental pain by being obese also, and for the most part, I don't like myself very much.  I have joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation - http://www.12wbt.com ) and I intend to change my body. I will lose at least 15kg in my first round, which begins in 13 days and will run for 12 weeks. By the end of the round, I will be able to run 5km without stopping and to touch my toes for the first time in my life. I will achieve these goals by following Michelle's program, training at the gym, eating clean and working hard on my mindset lessons. I am going to work very hard to feel my emotions, and stop eating them.  I will also work very hard to begin to like the person that inhabits my body - I deserve no less!

Writing this blog has given me the accountability that I need to ensure I succeed. Wish me luck friends, I will take all the love, luck and good vibes you all want to throw my way. To my 12WBT friends, I'd love your comments about how you are going on this program!

Post work out deliciousness!

This beautiful risotto was cooked for me by my gorgeous daughter Miss J (age 10), because I was exhausted when I got home from the gym. She had to cook a healthy meal for her homework, then photograph it and write down the process. She was so very proud of herself not only for cooking a great meal, but also for growing the kale and tomatoes herself!

I love that I have raised children that are so into wholesome, healthy foods that are grown in our garden without chemicals. I think the kids cooking after my gym sessions could become a welcome tradition in our household!

Motivation & Needing to JFDI

I woke up feeling really sore after my run yesterday. I can breathe better than I could yesterday so that's a bonus. I feel slightly more energetic than normal today as well, this could be a positive sign that I'm on the mend, and that the bit of training I've done is already helping me with my energy levels.

I could use the pain in my backside as an excuse not to train today, because it really hurts - but I won't. Thinking of Michelle I will JFDI, without excuse! I want to know unequivocally that I have put in my best effort, and haven't resorted to the excuses that has held me back in the past. So off to the PT with me, and I will take it easy and let my trainer know I'm suffering today. Tomorrow is a massage day, which I am grateful for!

There has been quite a bit of negativity and animosity between some of the people on the 12WBT groups on facebook. I'm trying really hard not to get sucked into the negativity, it's hard for someone like me - positivity doesn't come that easily. I'm working to ignore it, and I will focus a lot of attention on the forums on the official page, where people are respectful and considerate to each other - we all have a common goal, I don't understand why we can't all support each other!

Off to the gym now - despite a sudden desire to curl up on the couch and have a snooze........ I need a mental mantra...... JFDI, JFDI, JFDI!!! - It's written on the back of my rather awesome 12WBT 30+ Crew shirt that I'm training in  for the first time  if I forget.

Finding my mojo

I have been really sick for almost a week. I've not gotten out of bed for days, which is very unusual for me. Today, despite still feeling like crap and coughing up a lung - it was a better quality of crap. It is a beautiful day here today, the sun is out and the birds are singing, so me and my not-as-crap-as-yesterday cough decided to go for a run.

 I did have to stop several times to  hock up a lung, but I do have to admit, I feel much better than before I left. I managed to run/walk 5.2km in 57mins, burning 625cals..... not a bad effort for a newbie to exercise.

 If you'd told me a few weeks ago that I would actually WANT to go for a run (especially when I had such a great excuse not to go) I would never have believed you.

I believe I may be starting to find my exercise mojo - and believe it or not, I'm quite excited to go to the gym for my PT session tomorrow! Who'd have thought it!!!!

Now that I'm back, and the exercise endorphins have worn off, I'm feeling sick again, and after a shower - I'll need a rest to get through the afternoon, but I'm really proud of myself for not using being sick as an excuse! I just frikken did it!

My ultimate goal - just 1 photo!

Being fat I hate having my photo taken. I don't mean, I look at a picture and hate it, I mean I don't get my photo taken. I have vomited at the thought of having my photo taken, and I have cried at having my photo taken. This isn't to say that photos of me don't exist - there are many photos of me that have been taken of me during the drunken girls nights out of my 20's and early 30's. I hate those photos, unless of course they are taken from above and my face is pointing at the camera in that perfect way that gives me only one chin...... then I love those photos. Photos of me with one chin, feed my inner delusion that I am not an enormous whale living on land..... I'm a single chinned party girl.

The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.

Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.

Until my accident, I could count the photos of me and my daughter (then aged 8) on one hand. I had more with my son, but only because my husband would take pictures of us when we were sleeping. There aren't many photos of me that were taken post-children, as my kids would remember me had I died in the accident. It was my daughter who brought this to my attention. I had to do something.....

A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.

After that shoot - I contacted the photographer, and booked another shoot. While happy with the first shoot, and after feeling an instant rapport with the photographer, I wanted a photo that looked like me. No fancy hair and makeup, just me. So we booked a session and headed out for the afternoon....

At the start of the shoot, I was still feeling quite sick, but no tears - a huge improvement..... and several hours later - I was having so much fun, I forgot that she was taking my photo. The results of my second shoot actually made me cry when I saw them, not because I looked awful, but because I didn't. 

There were now photos of me in existence with a REAL SMILE on my face! There were photos of me skipping, and laughing and joyous! This I credit to how comfortable my awesome new friend made me feel. This is from the second shoot.....

Last week, I booked another shoot with my friend. This time, it'll be me, the kids dad and both my children. I want a beautiful family photo, so if God-forbid, something happens to any of us, we have a beautiful photo of us all together as a family. I also rather like the idea that when we are all old and wrinkly, we can look back at what we were like when we were young! My friend is a passionate natural light photographer, which is why I prefer her work over that of many other great photographers. She is also aware how important this photo shoot is to me, and how I want it to be perfect - so she booked me a late afternoon October shoot - because the lighting will be great! The very next day, I counted the weeks till my shoot.... 11 weeks - It was then I decided to join the 12WBT. I want to ENJOY my photo shoot with my family without worrying about my double chins, how many layers of shapewear I have on - if my fat rolls out over my spanx..... I want to be able to look at my daughters face, smile and laugh and have a beautiful picture to show for it. 

The biggest thing that will drive me through Michelle Bridges 12WBT is the knowledge that I am having this photo shoot. It will be up to me to work had, eat right, train hard..... but if I do, I will have a beautiful family portrait, and a beautiful photo of my daughter and I that will last a lifetime. That should get me through some rough patches!

Check out my friends website - she is truly talented, and works in Eastern Victoria and Melbourne. http://www.alicecampbellphotography.com/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/

This came in the mail today. I am seriously excited - tomorrow is my first session with the PT.

What Mr. Grey taught me......

So today, I read it - THAT book, the one that all the women (and some of the men) are reading. It isn't a work of literary genius, but a fun and cheeky read - but this isn't a book review. Believe it or not - I actually discovered something about myself.

The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her  (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another.  Then it hit me........

I was married (technically still am - separated 2  years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.

I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.

I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.

Coffee with epiphanies,

So today I had coffee with a friend who I haven't seen for 14 years. We had a wonderful time catching up, and I really enjoyed her company. She's quite like me, neither of us are happy happy joy type people, not over the top with bubbles and we kind of have a darker sense of humour, but I would call us both modern day hippies.  We met when we worked together at the bank many moons ago - and it was obvious neither of us were set out for such monotonous work.

When I knew her in my old life, she was working at the bank, and studying for her second uni degree. As a 20 year old I had so much respect for her, for working her ass off to get what she wanted and always admired her. Skip forward 14 years and she is happily married to the man she had just started dating (a rather spunky bank boy) and they have 2 beautiful kids. She is working part time, and studying again! She's doing her masters degree in alternative therapy, and I can see, this is exactly what she is supposed to be doing with her life.

My first question to her was 'how on earth do you have time to do it all' - her response was simple.... 'I don't know, I just do'. She then admitted to a great support network and super scheduling abilities..... but ultimately I saw how she does it,  - she really wants it. It was in that moment I had a small epiphany, my friend has the same amount of time as me in any given day.She has obligations, and obstacles, she has younger children, one still not at kinder, and 2 jobs. She travels an 8hr round trip to work 2 days a week in her new field, and still has time for her family and other jobs. So how does she fit it all in, when some days I feel barely able to find the time to do my homework or cook dinner for my kids?

To me, it's simple. She has passion - she knows exactly what she wants, and she MAKES time! She makes it work because she wants it so badly. It is in this moment I realise, my excuses don't just stop me from eating well and exercising - they stop me from living the life I want to live. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't do things, and start working out how to make them work. We all have the same number of hours in a day, and it is how we decide to spend them that determines who we are. My friend spends her time working her ass off to follow her passion. I spend mine making excuses about why I can't do things.

I have decided that I need to examine ALL of my excuses, not just the ones that are holding me back with my health, diet and training, but also the excuses that are holding me back in my life. I will find my passion, and when I do I will pursue it - excuse free!

The next pre-season challenge in the 12WBT will have me setting goals, this is something that until recently would have seemed entirely pointless, because I don't set goals and I don't achieve the ones I do. For days now I've been thinking about my goals, my training goals, my goals for the type of foods I want to eat, the weight loss goals, the fitness goals - but after my chat with my friend, I'm thinking about other goals too. I'm starting to think about the things I like, the things that interest me, and the things that one day could be my passion.

So no more excuses in any part of my life - I need to find my passion, set my goals and work out how to achieve them!

A leisurely walk

I forced myself out the door and for a walk. I'm lucky enough to live in the country, this is a shot from my walk. It's quite lovely really. 

Reasons, or excuses?

I am the queen of excuses. If I don't want to do something my brain is a super efficient computer, coming up with great 'reasons' for me not to do it. I think it is really difficult sometimes to identify a true and legitimate reason, and to differentiate between a 'reason' and an 'excuse'.

I have spent the last few years with a huge list of 'reasons' that prevent me from exercising, getting fit and changing myself. The biggest one is illness, I have fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a bitch! The syndrome is basically constant pain, tiredness and cognitive fog. It is different in everyone, but those three symptoms are pretty universal in most FM people. So for me, the thought of exercising is challenging. I know that exercise hurts, and that even the normal people without FM feel tired and sore after training - I have pain and lethargy before I even start - so why would I want to give myself MORE pain?????? ......But the dirty little secret is, gentle exercise has been proven to reduce symptoms of my syndrome. So my 'reason' for not exercising, not really a reason, it's an excuse.

The program I joined, in an attempt to change my thinking, my habits, and my life is Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 week body transformation). I won't share specific details of the program on my blog, as I feel it is unethical of me to share the information with non- members, so I will write about my experience with the program.

 A pre-season task had me examine my excuses....... this was a difficult task for me, as I genuinely thought that I had reasons, not excuses. Well after the task, I decided I have no genuine reason not to do this, which means that the only thing standing between me and getting fit, is me. In fact, the only thing that has stood between me and good health my whole life, is me. The only hurdle is my thinking. For someone like me, who has a really hard time with all the soft and fuzzy emotional stuff, coming to terms with the notion that I am fat because of my thinking, because my mindset is wrong is a little hard to handle. But ultimately, my thinking is responsible for my weight, my laziness, my love of sugar (ok, this one might be part addiction), my self-doubt, my self loathing, my lack of motivation perhaps even my sickness.

Since examining my excuses, and coming up with logical solutions to every excuse I have, I now really have no excuse - it is time to change my life, and find my passion!

I'm off for a walk!

New Beginnings

I am new to the world of blogging, in fact this is my first ever blog post.

Writing this blog is difficult for me, in order to begin typing I have eaten half a bag of chips, some chocolate all washed down with a coke. I am terrified of the road ahead, and the thought of blogging about my life, my insecurities, my weight and my emotions frightens me, and inevitably drives me to eat.

Anthony Robbins (the American life coach and Author) states that change only happens when you will not tolerate things staying the same. There are so many things in my life that I can't live with any more - things that can't stay the same. I am obese, I am unfit, I am sick, I am constantly tired, I am not the best mother I can be, I am full of self hatred, and worst of all - I lack passion for my life. These things must change! I can no longer participate in a life, where I lay on my couch in a messy house feeling too tired and much too sick to do anything else.

Yesterday I signed up to participate in a program to help me regain my health, it is a program that will teach me about all aspects of health. I will expand on my knowledge about nutrition, and it will teach me about exercise and mindset. I tend to eat my emotions rather than feel them. My biggest hope is that the program will help me learn to feel my emotions, removing my desire to eat crap food to suppress them. I don't exercise - I hate exercise. I have had limited successes in the past with exercising, I lose weight, feel better, then I fall of the wagon, hate myself and eat the weight back on.

I also make excuses. I'm too tired, I lack motivation, I don't have time (my favourite - considering the amount of time I spend lying on the couch), the kids need me, it hurts too much, my fibromyalgia is flaring, I deserve a treat, I can't afford the gym, it's easier not to......... it never stops - and I'm full of shit! When I think about how lazy I am I despise myself - why would anyone like who I've let myself become?

The first pre-season challenge on the programme is to list my excuses - and then write a solution for my excuse. It isn't an easy task, if I analyse and admit that the things that have been holding me back are excuses, not reasons - then I will have no reason not to succeed. I have become a master of self-sabotage over the years, with every step forward, I take two giant leaps back. This will require thought......

In the next 16 weeks, (12 week challenge and 4 week pre-season) I hope to find myself. A better version of myself, a happier, healthier, fitter, skinnier, sexier version of myself. I will do my best to follow the program, and to not sabotage myself - because I will not tolerate continuing a life without passion!