Yesterday, I got news that felt like a massive blow to the head. I found out my daughter is sick. I had always known that she was a sickly kid, but yesterday I found out that there are reasons. Without going into to much detail, she has allergies to many common household allergens, meaning to control her illness, we have to remove carpets from her room, and repaint- be clean to an almost OCD level, do daily stretching/massage and that is just a couple of things from the 5 page list. She could also be a ceoliac, and worst of all have an immune disorder which would explain her constant illnesses. She still requires at least 3 more surgeries (she's already had 12 procedures) this year or the beginning of next, and she has to brave through this oncoming allergy season with no real immune function.
My list of things to do, people to consult with and research areas is enormous, and I'm feeling so depressed, and totally overwhelmed. I am entirely sure that she can be cured, naturally, holistically, but I just don't know where to start. I am blessed to have friends who are more knowledgeable than me in holistic medicine and nutritional therapies - and they have told me they are on board to help. I am blessed to have friends like them, and I know that in the end, my girl will be fine - but right now I'm mentally spent - still dealing with the bloody cows/farm fencing issues (which will end up costing over a grand to fix) and the stresses of the kids being sick, and now all of my daughters health problems compounding my stress.
Today I can't stop crying, the smallest thing set me off Mr.CK rang me to try to ease my mind about the fencing issue but spoke grumpily to me and set me off again. I hung up on him, and when he rang back 10 minutes later, the sound of his voice was enough to start me bawling again. I am so overwhelmed with trying to process what I need to do to help my daughter, I don't even know what to do.
It is so unfair to have a child who has spent her whole life being sick, feeling pain and having surgeries. I know there are many, many people who are worse off than us, and going through real struggle and adversity, and usually remembering that, and seeing how lucky we are to lead such a privileged life reinvigorates my spirit, but today it does not. Today, all I can do is cry for her.
I haven't trained for 2 days, Wednesday is my rest day, and yesterday, I was too upset and unmotivated. I don't really want to train today, I'm not sure if it will just exhaust me more or give me a little bit on an energy pick me up. I know that it is really important for me to look after myself and continue working on fixing my own health problems so I can be there to look after my daughter, but all I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry.
The only thing that has made me smile so far today, is knowing that despite how shitty I feel, and how broken my spirit feels today, I haven't deviated from my food plan in the last couple of days. Normally these feelings of helplessness and upset would send me to seek solace in food. I have not done that. I feel good about that.
Perhaps I will train, in the hope that it gives me the pick me up I need to start looking at this situation more optimistically.
~.~.~.~.~.A blog about trying to find myself ~ or at least a better version of me - on a journey toward wellness.~.~.~.~.~ A new body, new mind-set, vitality, energy, new friends, and hopefully a new life - one that is filled with passion!
Thursday 30 August 2012
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Crankypants!
Today I totally had my cranky-pants on. More cow/fencing issues, requiring me to work till after dark repairing fences (with no real idea of what the hell I was doing) which annoyed me so much, considering I hadn't even slung my gym bag into the house or seen my two (yep two) sick kids. My poor hands are scratched sore and bleeding from fencing wire, and I stupidly forgot the I had a really sore knee, and I knelt on it quite hard while twitching some wire to the bottom of the fence.
The whole time I was chasing stupid cows and fixing stupid fences today I felt crap, totally resentful of the fact that I was doing it, despite it not being my responsibility - and hating the fact that I wasn't spending time with my poor sick children. I dreamed of two things...... cigarettes and coke - ok maybe three things.... chocolate too! For several hours, while wearing my cranky-pants, I thought of all my old crutches. I wanted them, and I wanted them badly.
I'm proud that I didn't indulge in any of the things I fantasised about - I know a few days ago, I would have. It was a close call today, but I stayed strong. I hope tomorrow is a better day, I'd like just a little less stress - and I'd love to stop worrying about these bloody cattle destroying my orchard, and eating all my kale!
If they don't watch themselves, I'll reconsider my vegetarianism!
The whole time I was chasing stupid cows and fixing stupid fences today I felt crap, totally resentful of the fact that I was doing it, despite it not being my responsibility - and hating the fact that I wasn't spending time with my poor sick children. I dreamed of two things...... cigarettes and coke - ok maybe three things.... chocolate too! For several hours, while wearing my cranky-pants, I thought of all my old crutches. I wanted them, and I wanted them badly.
I'm proud that I didn't indulge in any of the things I fantasised about - I know a few days ago, I would have. It was a close call today, but I stayed strong. I hope tomorrow is a better day, I'd like just a little less stress - and I'd love to stop worrying about these bloody cattle destroying my orchard, and eating all my kale!
If they don't watch themselves, I'll reconsider my vegetarianism!
Sunday 26 August 2012
Day 1 of my 12WBT!
So today is the day! It is my first day on 12WBT - I have to say, I'm really excited about it. I was out of bed before the alarm, and off to the kitchen to make breakfast/lunch for the family (who are my support crew - and are following the eating plan with me) with a song in my heart and a skip in my step. The day had started on exactly the right note - and I was excited!
While I'm sharing everything, I must disclose my rather unconventional living arrangement. I live in a house on a farm, with 2 of the most amazing children {Master D. almost 12 and Miss J, 10} that God put breath into. Outside, attached to my garage/workshop is a little flat, that my estranged husband {Mr. CK} lives in. He is a workaholic who doesn't spend the hugest amount of time at home, and this arrangement works for us, as it means he gets to spend time with the aforementioned amazing children, and for the last 2 1/2 years, this arrangement has proved to work very well for my odd little family.
So back to today...... I wake the children for breakfast, and Miss J drags herself from bed, with a sore tummy and a headache {not unusual for my girl, who is a sick child who misses approx 10 weeks a year of school through illnesses and surgeries} telling me that she really doesn't want to go to school today. This already throws me off my game, as I hadn't pictured my day with Miss J home. Then Mr. CK comes into the house from his little flat, telling me there is a fresh cow turd on his doorstep, this means there has been a cow in the house yard overnight. This is putting me in a bit of a shitty mood..... so Mr. CK is outside looking for the elusive cow, I'm inside with a sick girl, and trying to get Mr. D organised for school - the cow isn't located, and it's assumed that it made its way back to the paddock...... I make breakfast for everyone but me, and lunch for the menfolk and send them on their way.
With the fellas out the door, and cuddles with Ms. J done for a bit I make breakfast and sit down to eat it, while working out my day and how I'll get training in with Miss J home. Breakky was pretty good, and Miss J was insistent that she'd be ok while I was off on my bike for half an hour, as she had her phone, I had mine and I could be back in a couple of minutes if required. So off to the shed to grab my bike.....
When my bike comes out of the shed, it has 2 flat tyres, and my pump was broken! As mentioned, we live on a farm and I have no desire to go to town today. I ring Mr CK to see if he has one, and he does not, but reminds me that I had to drop a friends birthday present to her today, and that she would have one. He was right, she did... and I was again happy. However while I was there dropping off presents and collecting pumps I got a call from Miss J. There was another friggin cow out of the paddock! In the 6 minutes it took me to get home, there were 3 cattle out. So without my sprained, sore ankle in the brace I'm supposed to be wearing, I chase the cattle, with sick Miss J for 20 minutes. My ankle is really hurting by this stage - but we get the cattle contained (albeit one next door).
I come inside, and I'm already buggered, I call the cattle owner, let off some steam and then slump down on the couch. It is at this point, the old me would have given up on the thought of training today..... and the new me had that thought briefly too - but I did not! I went outside, I pumped up my tyres and I went for a ride.
When I got home from my ride, I asked Miss J to come out into the sun with me while I completed the outdoor circuit from the 12WBT plan. She came outside, she told me which exercise to do, in which order and she cheered me on when I needed it.
Yesterday, this beautiful soul watched me cry after seeing photographs of myself in underwear. Master D tried to console me by saying "Mum, you're not fat", Miss J told him, "don't lie to her - she knows she is fat, but she will never be this fat again because she's going to fix herself". Today, she watched me resist the urge to quit, she watched my muscles tremble as I did push ups, squats, tricep dips, she did burpees with me to encourage me - she watched me with pride in her eyes. It was at the very moment that I saw how proud my beautiful, strong, fit, healthy and athletic little girl is of her obese Mum, struggling to make it through a workout - I can NOT fail at this. It isn't just my life that has been affected by me becoming an obese, unhealthy and unhappy person - it affects my family. The old me, the me that died yesterday when she saw those photo's, she would have quit - she would have taken the sick child, the cattle, the flat tyres, the broken pump and the sore ankle - and used them as an excuse. The new me needs to be a role model for her son and daughter - because now I know what it looks like to see pride in her eyes and I think I'm addicted to that.
While I'm sharing everything, I must disclose my rather unconventional living arrangement. I live in a house on a farm, with 2 of the most amazing children {Master D. almost 12 and Miss J, 10} that God put breath into. Outside, attached to my garage/workshop is a little flat, that my estranged husband {Mr. CK} lives in. He is a workaholic who doesn't spend the hugest amount of time at home, and this arrangement works for us, as it means he gets to spend time with the aforementioned amazing children, and for the last 2 1/2 years, this arrangement has proved to work very well for my odd little family.
So back to today...... I wake the children for breakfast, and Miss J drags herself from bed, with a sore tummy and a headache {not unusual for my girl, who is a sick child who misses approx 10 weeks a year of school through illnesses and surgeries} telling me that she really doesn't want to go to school today. This already throws me off my game, as I hadn't pictured my day with Miss J home. Then Mr. CK comes into the house from his little flat, telling me there is a fresh cow turd on his doorstep, this means there has been a cow in the house yard overnight. This is putting me in a bit of a shitty mood..... so Mr. CK is outside looking for the elusive cow, I'm inside with a sick girl, and trying to get Mr. D organised for school - the cow isn't located, and it's assumed that it made its way back to the paddock...... I make breakfast for everyone but me, and lunch for the menfolk and send them on their way.
With the fellas out the door, and cuddles with Ms. J done for a bit I make breakfast and sit down to eat it, while working out my day and how I'll get training in with Miss J home. Breakky was pretty good, and Miss J was insistent that she'd be ok while I was off on my bike for half an hour, as she had her phone, I had mine and I could be back in a couple of minutes if required. So off to the shed to grab my bike.....
When my bike comes out of the shed, it has 2 flat tyres, and my pump was broken! As mentioned, we live on a farm and I have no desire to go to town today. I ring Mr CK to see if he has one, and he does not, but reminds me that I had to drop a friends birthday present to her today, and that she would have one. He was right, she did... and I was again happy. However while I was there dropping off presents and collecting pumps I got a call from Miss J. There was another friggin cow out of the paddock! In the 6 minutes it took me to get home, there were 3 cattle out. So without my sprained, sore ankle in the brace I'm supposed to be wearing, I chase the cattle, with sick Miss J for 20 minutes. My ankle is really hurting by this stage - but we get the cattle contained (albeit one next door).
I come inside, and I'm already buggered, I call the cattle owner, let off some steam and then slump down on the couch. It is at this point, the old me would have given up on the thought of training today..... and the new me had that thought briefly too - but I did not! I went outside, I pumped up my tyres and I went for a ride.
When I got home from my ride, I asked Miss J to come out into the sun with me while I completed the outdoor circuit from the 12WBT plan. She came outside, she told me which exercise to do, in which order and she cheered me on when I needed it.
Yesterday, this beautiful soul watched me cry after seeing photographs of myself in underwear. Master D tried to console me by saying "Mum, you're not fat", Miss J told him, "don't lie to her - she knows she is fat, but she will never be this fat again because she's going to fix herself". Today, she watched me resist the urge to quit, she watched my muscles tremble as I did push ups, squats, tricep dips, she did burpees with me to encourage me - she watched me with pride in her eyes. It was at the very moment that I saw how proud my beautiful, strong, fit, healthy and athletic little girl is of her obese Mum, struggling to make it through a workout - I can NOT fail at this. It isn't just my life that has been affected by me becoming an obese, unhealthy and unhappy person - it affects my family. The old me, the me that died yesterday when she saw those photo's, she would have quit - she would have taken the sick child, the cattle, the flat tyres, the broken pump and the sore ankle - and used them as an excuse. The new me needs to be a role model for her son and daughter - because now I know what it looks like to see pride in her eyes and I think I'm addicted to that.
Photos and tears
I took the photos tonight. My beautiful daughter pointed a camera at me while I stood humiliated in bra and panties, fat hanging out there for the world to see. I looked at the photos, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have never been more sickened by a photo. I guess by avoiding mirrors, and not being naked, I haven't had to acknowledge what I really look like, and by 'dressing for my size', and 'flattering my curves' I haven't acknowledged it at all.
The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.
I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see. I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!
I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different. I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!
Bring it on!
The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.
I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see. I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!
I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different. I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!
Bring it on!
Saturday 25 August 2012
More set backs!
Imagine my devastation at having a fall on Thursday and rolling my ankle! Only days away from my start date for the 12WBT and I'd rendered myself useless. The doctor doesn't want me to run on my ankle for a month to six weeks. I have the perfect excuse to sit on my ass and not train - but for some reason, something in me has already changed, now I want to be able to train.
I'm not sure what has switched in me, what has made the change in my thinking, as I haven't even started the program yet, and already I feel different. I feel like I deserve to be a better me, and I want to do well with my first round. I'm a bit of a geek, and the thought of seeing my numbers change is sure going to help keep me motivated.
I'm not sure what has switched in me, what has made the change in my thinking, as I haven't even started the program yet, and already I feel different. I feel like I deserve to be a better me, and I want to do well with my first round. I'm a bit of a geek, and the thought of seeing my numbers change is sure going to help keep me motivated.
Today, I woke up, slathered my ankle with comfrey, strapped then braced my ankle and wedged it into a sneaker. I jogged/walked my 1km time trial, in just over 10 mins (10.12) and did it holding the hand of my daughter. She is very proud of me for not making excuses, and I must admit, I'm a little proud of myself too. For the next month I'm going to listen to the doctor, and I'll do bike/boxing work to get my heart rate up, but I'm glad I went for a jog with my little girl today.
This afternoon, the kids and I will do a cook up from the week 1 menu, and then I'll do the nasty photo task and take measurements. I'm going into this with the attitude that I can't possibly fail if I set myself up for success! This time I will JFDI!!!!
Wish me luck!
Wish me luck!
Sunday 19 August 2012
Set-backs
Today I had a major setback. I had an interview for a job I really wanted to get. It was the worst job interview I've ever been a part of. I screwed it up royally - mostly, because I have such a difficult time expressing anything positive about myself.
In the car on the way home I had chocolate, coke and a whole pack of mentos. I was on the verge of tears the whole way home, so upset that I had fucked it up. I wasn't even a little bit confident, I felt fat, unattractive and stupid - and my old mindset kicked in. The food will make you feel better - after that awful experience, you deserve a treat - the old crap that got me feeling so fat, unattractive an stupid in the first place. I hate feeling like this.
The only good thing about today, I won't spend the next three weeks wondering if I got the job......
In the car on the way home I had chocolate, coke and a whole pack of mentos. I was on the verge of tears the whole way home, so upset that I had fucked it up. I wasn't even a little bit confident, I felt fat, unattractive and stupid - and my old mindset kicked in. The food will make you feel better - after that awful experience, you deserve a treat - the old crap that got me feeling so fat, unattractive an stupid in the first place. I hate feeling like this.
The only good thing about today, I won't spend the next three weeks wondering if I got the job......
Tuesday 14 August 2012
Say it out loud.
I have dreaded this very post since the moment I joined 12WBT 14 days ago. I have been keenly working my way through pre-season tasks, setting goals and quashing excuses happily. In 14 short days I have honestly worked hard to concentrate on my mind-set in relation to changing my life, and becoming a stronger, fitter, happier and healthier version of myself - and I'm not too modest to say, I'm really starting to get somewhere with it! I am making better choices, I'm working out - and I'm not hating it! I have lost 3.5 kilos, and I haven't even started on Mish's plan yet - the pre-season tasks are working for me!
This task however has filled me with dread. This task is about accountability. Mish makes no demand on who you share this information with, but for me, the more open I am and the more transparency there is with my intentions, the more accountable I will feel. The reason I have been filled with fear, is because I decided that I am going the whole hog. I am sharing my number and several of my goals here, and on facebook. This means that people I went to high school with, (the nice ones and the ones that will be judging me), ex colleagues, my ex-hubby's family, my family, friends both old and new and anyone who reads this blog, will know my number. That number that no-one ever wants to disclose.
The reason I have decided to post it so very publicly, along with my goals, is so that I have absolutely no choice but to succeed. If I tell people my number, I tell people my goals and then I fail - I will DIE from the humiliation. This works for me - this will motivate me, this will spur me on when I want to give in, when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning..... It will help me to JFDI ( Just F*&king Do It!!) when I really don't want to.
So here goes...............On the day I joined 2 weeks ago, I weighed in at 107.9kg. I have since lost 3.5 kg, and now sit very uncomfortably at 104.4kg. My 168cm frame doesn't carry this weight well, and it causes me physical pain, tiredness and severe lethargy. I have fibromyalgia, which is exacerbated by carrying excessive weight. I carry a lot of mental pain by being obese also, and for the most part, I don't like myself very much. I have joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation - http://www.12wbt.com ) and I intend to change my body. I will lose at least 15kg in my first round, which begins in 13 days and will run for 12 weeks. By the end of the round, I will be able to run 5km without stopping and to touch my toes for the first time in my life. I will achieve these goals by following Michelle's program, training at the gym, eating clean and working hard on my mindset lessons. I am going to work very hard to feel my emotions, and stop eating them. I will also work very hard to begin to like the person that inhabits my body - I deserve no less!
Writing this blog has given me the accountability that I need to ensure I succeed. Wish me luck friends, I will take all the love, luck and good vibes you all want to throw my way. To my 12WBT friends, I'd love your comments about how you are going on this program!
This task however has filled me with dread. This task is about accountability. Mish makes no demand on who you share this information with, but for me, the more open I am and the more transparency there is with my intentions, the more accountable I will feel. The reason I have been filled with fear, is because I decided that I am going the whole hog. I am sharing my number and several of my goals here, and on facebook. This means that people I went to high school with, (the nice ones and the ones that will be judging me), ex colleagues, my ex-hubby's family, my family, friends both old and new and anyone who reads this blog, will know my number. That number that no-one ever wants to disclose.
The reason I have decided to post it so very publicly, along with my goals, is so that I have absolutely no choice but to succeed. If I tell people my number, I tell people my goals and then I fail - I will DIE from the humiliation. This works for me - this will motivate me, this will spur me on when I want to give in, when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning..... It will help me to JFDI ( Just F*&king Do It!!) when I really don't want to.
So here goes...............On the day I joined 2 weeks ago, I weighed in at 107.9kg. I have since lost 3.5 kg, and now sit very uncomfortably at 104.4kg. My 168cm frame doesn't carry this weight well, and it causes me physical pain, tiredness and severe lethargy. I have fibromyalgia, which is exacerbated by carrying excessive weight. I carry a lot of mental pain by being obese also, and for the most part, I don't like myself very much. I have joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation - http://www.12wbt.com ) and I intend to change my body. I will lose at least 15kg in my first round, which begins in 13 days and will run for 12 weeks. By the end of the round, I will be able to run 5km without stopping and to touch my toes for the first time in my life. I will achieve these goals by following Michelle's program, training at the gym, eating clean and working hard on my mindset lessons. I am going to work very hard to feel my emotions, and stop eating them. I will also work very hard to begin to like the person that inhabits my body - I deserve no less!
Writing this blog has given me the accountability that I need to ensure I succeed. Wish me luck friends, I will take all the love, luck and good vibes you all want to throw my way. To my 12WBT friends, I'd love your comments about how you are going on this program!
Post work out deliciousness!
I love that I have raised children that are so into wholesome, healthy foods that are grown in our garden without chemicals. I think the kids cooking after my gym sessions could become a welcome tradition in our household!
Monday 13 August 2012
Motivation & Needing to JFDI
I woke up feeling really sore after my run yesterday. I can breathe better than I could yesterday so that's a bonus. I feel slightly more energetic than normal today as well, this could be a positive sign that I'm on the mend, and that the bit of training I've done is already helping me with my energy levels.
I could use the pain in my backside as an excuse not to train today, because it really hurts - but I won't. Thinking of Michelle I will JFDI, without excuse! I want to know unequivocally that I have put in my best effort, and haven't resorted to the excuses that has held me back in the past. So off to the PT with me, and I will take it easy and let my trainer know I'm suffering today. Tomorrow is a massage day, which I am grateful for!
There has been quite a bit of negativity and animosity between some of the people on the 12WBT groups on facebook. I'm trying really hard not to get sucked into the negativity, it's hard for someone like me - positivity doesn't come that easily. I'm working to ignore it, and I will focus a lot of attention on the forums on the official page, where people are respectful and considerate to each other - we all have a common goal, I don't understand why we can't all support each other!
Sunday 12 August 2012
Finding my mojo
I have been really sick for almost a week. I've not gotten out of bed for days, which is very unusual for me. Today, despite still feeling like crap and coughing up a lung - it was a better quality of crap. It is a beautiful day here today, the sun is out and the birds are singing, so me and my not-as-crap-as-yesterday cough decided to go for a run.
I did have to stop several times to hock up a lung, but I do have to admit, I feel much better than before I left. I managed to run/walk 5.2km in 57mins, burning 625cals..... not a bad effort for a newbie to exercise.
If you'd told me a few weeks ago that I would actually WANT to go for a run (especially when I had such a great excuse not to go) I would never have believed you.
I believe I may be starting to find my exercise mojo - and believe it or not, I'm quite excited to go to the gym for my PT session tomorrow! Who'd have thought it!!!!
Now that I'm back, and the exercise endorphins have worn off, I'm feeling sick again, and after a shower - I'll need a rest to get through the afternoon, but I'm really proud of myself for not using being sick as an excuse! I just frikken did it!
I did have to stop several times to hock up a lung, but I do have to admit, I feel much better than before I left. I managed to run/walk 5.2km in 57mins, burning 625cals..... not a bad effort for a newbie to exercise.
If you'd told me a few weeks ago that I would actually WANT to go for a run (especially when I had such a great excuse not to go) I would never have believed you.
I believe I may be starting to find my exercise mojo - and believe it or not, I'm quite excited to go to the gym for my PT session tomorrow! Who'd have thought it!!!!
Now that I'm back, and the exercise endorphins have worn off, I'm feeling sick again, and after a shower - I'll need a rest to get through the afternoon, but I'm really proud of myself for not using being sick as an excuse! I just frikken did it!
Monday 6 August 2012
My ultimate goal - just 1 photo!
Being fat I hate having my photo taken. I don't mean, I look at a picture and hate it, I mean I don't get my photo taken. I have vomited at the thought of having my photo taken, and I have cried at having my photo taken. This isn't to say that photos of me don't exist - there are many photos of me that have been taken of me during the drunken girls nights out of my 20's and early 30's. I hate those photos, unless of course they are taken from above and my face is pointing at the camera in that perfect way that gives me only one chin...... then I love those photos. Photos of me with one chin, feed my inner delusion that I am not an enormous whale living on land..... I'm a single chinned party girl.
The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.
Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.
A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.
The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.
Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.
Until my accident, I could count the photos of me and my daughter (then aged 8) on one hand. I had more with my son, but only because my husband would take pictures of us when we were sleeping. There aren't many photos of me that were taken post-children, as my kids would remember me had I died in the accident. It was my daughter who brought this to my attention. I had to do something.....
A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.
After that shoot - I contacted the photographer, and booked another shoot. While happy with the first shoot, and after feeling an instant rapport with the photographer, I wanted a photo that looked like me. No fancy hair and makeup, just me. So we booked a session and headed out for the afternoon....
At the start of the shoot, I was still feeling quite sick, but no tears - a huge improvement..... and several hours later - I was having so much fun, I forgot that she was taking my photo. The results of my second shoot actually made me cry when I saw them, not because I looked awful, but because I didn't.
There were now photos of me in existence with a REAL SMILE on my face! There were photos of me skipping, and laughing and joyous! This I credit to how comfortable my awesome new friend made me feel. This is from the second shoot.....
Last week, I booked another shoot with my friend. This time, it'll be me, the kids dad and both my children. I want a beautiful family photo, so if God-forbid, something happens to any of us, we have a beautiful photo of us all together as a family. I also rather like the idea that when we are all old and wrinkly, we can look back at what we were like when we were young! My friend is a passionate natural light photographer, which is why I prefer her work over that of many other great photographers. She is also aware how important this photo shoot is to me, and how I want it to be perfect - so she booked me a late afternoon October shoot - because the lighting will be great! The very next day, I counted the weeks till my shoot.... 11 weeks - It was then I decided to join the 12WBT. I want to ENJOY my photo shoot with my family without worrying about my double chins, how many layers of shapewear I have on - if my fat rolls out over my spanx..... I want to be able to look at my daughters face, smile and laugh and have a beautiful picture to show for it.
The biggest thing that will drive me through Michelle Bridges 12WBT is the knowledge that I am having this photo shoot. It will be up to me to work had, eat right, train hard..... but if I do, I will have a beautiful family portrait, and a beautiful photo of my daughter and I that will last a lifetime. That should get me through some rough patches!
Check out my friends website - she is truly talented, and works in Eastern Victoria and Melbourne. http://www.alicecampbellphotography.com/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/
What Mr. Grey taught me......
So today, I read it - THAT book, the one that all the women (and some of the men) are reading. It isn't a work of literary genius, but a fun and cheeky read - but this isn't a book review. Believe it or not - I actually discovered something about myself.
The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another. Then it hit me........
I was married (technically still am - separated 2 years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.
I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.
I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.
The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another. Then it hit me........
I was married (technically still am - separated 2 years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.
I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.
I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.
Saturday 4 August 2012
Coffee with epiphanies,
So today I had coffee with a friend who I haven't seen for 14 years. We had a wonderful time catching up, and I really enjoyed her company. She's quite like me, neither of us are happy happy joy type people, not over the top with bubbles and we kind of have a darker sense of humour, but I would call us both modern day hippies. We met when we worked together at the bank many moons ago - and it was obvious neither of us were set out for such monotonous work.
When I knew her in my old life, she was working at the bank, and studying for her second uni degree. As a 20 year old I had so much respect for her, for working her ass off to get what she wanted and always admired her. Skip forward 14 years and she is happily married to the man she had just started dating (a rather spunky bank boy) and they have 2 beautiful kids. She is working part time, and studying again! She's doing her masters degree in alternative therapy, and I can see, this is exactly what she is supposed to be doing with her life.
My first question to her was 'how on earth do you have time to do it all' - her response was simple.... 'I don't know, I just do'. She then admitted to a great support network and super scheduling abilities..... but ultimately I saw how she does it, - she really wants it. It was in that moment I had a small epiphany, my friend has the same amount of time as me in any given day.She has obligations, and obstacles, she has younger children, one still not at kinder, and 2 jobs. She travels an 8hr round trip to work 2 days a week in her new field, and still has time for her family and other jobs. So how does she fit it all in, when some days I feel barely able to find the time to do my homework or cook dinner for my kids?
To me, it's simple. She has passion - she knows exactly what she wants, and she MAKES time! She makes it work because she wants it so badly. It is in this moment I realise, my excuses don't just stop me from eating well and exercising - they stop me from living the life I want to live. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't do things, and start working out how to make them work. We all have the same number of hours in a day, and it is how we decide to spend them that determines who we are. My friend spends her time working her ass off to follow her passion. I spend mine making excuses about why I can't do things.
I have decided that I need to examine ALL of my excuses, not just the ones that are holding me back with my health, diet and training, but also the excuses that are holding me back in my life. I will find my passion, and when I do I will pursue it - excuse free!
The next pre-season challenge in the 12WBT will have me setting goals, this is something that until recently would have seemed entirely pointless, because I don't set goals and I don't achieve the ones I do. For days now I've been thinking about my goals, my training goals, my goals for the type of foods I want to eat, the weight loss goals, the fitness goals - but after my chat with my friend, I'm thinking about other goals too. I'm starting to think about the things I like, the things that interest me, and the things that one day could be my passion.
So no more excuses in any part of my life - I need to find my passion, set my goals and work out how to achieve them!
When I knew her in my old life, she was working at the bank, and studying for her second uni degree. As a 20 year old I had so much respect for her, for working her ass off to get what she wanted and always admired her. Skip forward 14 years and she is happily married to the man she had just started dating (a rather spunky bank boy) and they have 2 beautiful kids. She is working part time, and studying again! She's doing her masters degree in alternative therapy, and I can see, this is exactly what she is supposed to be doing with her life.
My first question to her was 'how on earth do you have time to do it all' - her response was simple.... 'I don't know, I just do'. She then admitted to a great support network and super scheduling abilities..... but ultimately I saw how she does it, - she really wants it. It was in that moment I had a small epiphany, my friend has the same amount of time as me in any given day.She has obligations, and obstacles, she has younger children, one still not at kinder, and 2 jobs. She travels an 8hr round trip to work 2 days a week in her new field, and still has time for her family and other jobs. So how does she fit it all in, when some days I feel barely able to find the time to do my homework or cook dinner for my kids?
To me, it's simple. She has passion - she knows exactly what she wants, and she MAKES time! She makes it work because she wants it so badly. It is in this moment I realise, my excuses don't just stop me from eating well and exercising - they stop me from living the life I want to live. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't do things, and start working out how to make them work. We all have the same number of hours in a day, and it is how we decide to spend them that determines who we are. My friend spends her time working her ass off to follow her passion. I spend mine making excuses about why I can't do things.
I have decided that I need to examine ALL of my excuses, not just the ones that are holding me back with my health, diet and training, but also the excuses that are holding me back in my life. I will find my passion, and when I do I will pursue it - excuse free!
The next pre-season challenge in the 12WBT will have me setting goals, this is something that until recently would have seemed entirely pointless, because I don't set goals and I don't achieve the ones I do. For days now I've been thinking about my goals, my training goals, my goals for the type of foods I want to eat, the weight loss goals, the fitness goals - but after my chat with my friend, I'm thinking about other goals too. I'm starting to think about the things I like, the things that interest me, and the things that one day could be my passion.
So no more excuses in any part of my life - I need to find my passion, set my goals and work out how to achieve them!
Thursday 2 August 2012
A leisurely walk
I forced myself out the door and for a walk. I'm lucky enough to live in the country, this is a shot from my walk. It's quite lovely really.
Reasons, or excuses?
I am the queen of excuses. If I don't want to do something my brain is a super efficient computer, coming up with great 'reasons' for me not to do it. I think it is really difficult sometimes to identify a true and legitimate reason, and to differentiate between a 'reason' and an 'excuse'.
I have spent the last few years with a huge list of 'reasons' that prevent me from exercising, getting fit and changing myself. The biggest one is illness, I have fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a bitch! The syndrome is basically constant pain, tiredness and cognitive fog. It is different in everyone, but those three symptoms are pretty universal in most FM people. So for me, the thought of exercising is challenging. I know that exercise hurts, and that even the normal people without FM feel tired and sore after training - I have pain and lethargy before I even start - so why would I want to give myself MORE pain?????? ......But the dirty little secret is, gentle exercise has been proven to reduce symptoms of my syndrome. So my 'reason' for not exercising, not really a reason, it's an excuse.
The program I joined, in an attempt to change my thinking, my habits, and my life is Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 week body transformation). I won't share specific details of the program on my blog, as I feel it is unethical of me to share the information with non- members, so I will write about my experience with the program.
A pre-season task had me examine my excuses....... this was a difficult task for me, as I genuinely thought that I had reasons, not excuses. Well after the task, I decided I have no genuine reason not to do this, which means that the only thing standing between me and getting fit, is me. In fact, the only thing that has stood between me and good health my whole life, is me. The only hurdle is my thinking. For someone like me, who has a really hard time with all the soft and fuzzy emotional stuff, coming to terms with the notion that I am fat because of my thinking, because my mindset is wrong is a little hard to handle. But ultimately, my thinking is responsible for my weight, my laziness, my love of sugar (ok, this one might be part addiction), my self-doubt, my self loathing, my lack of motivation perhaps even my sickness.
Since examining my excuses, and coming up with logical solutions to every excuse I have, I now really have no excuse - it is time to change my life, and find my passion!
I'm off for a walk!
I have spent the last few years with a huge list of 'reasons' that prevent me from exercising, getting fit and changing myself. The biggest one is illness, I have fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a bitch! The syndrome is basically constant pain, tiredness and cognitive fog. It is different in everyone, but those three symptoms are pretty universal in most FM people. So for me, the thought of exercising is challenging. I know that exercise hurts, and that even the normal people without FM feel tired and sore after training - I have pain and lethargy before I even start - so why would I want to give myself MORE pain?????? ......But the dirty little secret is, gentle exercise has been proven to reduce symptoms of my syndrome. So my 'reason' for not exercising, not really a reason, it's an excuse.
The program I joined, in an attempt to change my thinking, my habits, and my life is Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 week body transformation). I won't share specific details of the program on my blog, as I feel it is unethical of me to share the information with non- members, so I will write about my experience with the program.
A pre-season task had me examine my excuses....... this was a difficult task for me, as I genuinely thought that I had reasons, not excuses. Well after the task, I decided I have no genuine reason not to do this, which means that the only thing standing between me and getting fit, is me. In fact, the only thing that has stood between me and good health my whole life, is me. The only hurdle is my thinking. For someone like me, who has a really hard time with all the soft and fuzzy emotional stuff, coming to terms with the notion that I am fat because of my thinking, because my mindset is wrong is a little hard to handle. But ultimately, my thinking is responsible for my weight, my laziness, my love of sugar (ok, this one might be part addiction), my self-doubt, my self loathing, my lack of motivation perhaps even my sickness.
Since examining my excuses, and coming up with logical solutions to every excuse I have, I now really have no excuse - it is time to change my life, and find my passion!
I'm off for a walk!
Wednesday 1 August 2012
New Beginnings
Writing this blog is difficult for me, in order to begin typing I have eaten half a bag of chips, some chocolate all washed down with a coke. I am terrified of the road ahead, and the thought of blogging about my life, my insecurities, my weight and my emotions frightens me, and inevitably drives me to eat.
Anthony Robbins (the American life coach and Author) states that change only happens when you will not tolerate things staying the same. There are so many things in my life that I can't live with any more - things that can't stay the same. I am obese, I am unfit, I am sick, I am constantly tired, I am not the best mother I can be, I am full of self hatred, and worst of all - I lack passion for my life. These things must change! I can no longer participate in a life, where I lay on my couch in a messy house feeling too tired and much too sick to do anything else.
Yesterday I signed up to participate in a program to help me regain my health, it is a program that will teach me about all aspects of health. I will expand on my knowledge about nutrition, and it will teach me about exercise and mindset. I tend to eat my emotions rather than feel them. My biggest hope is that the program will help me learn to feel my emotions, removing my desire to eat crap food to suppress them. I don't exercise - I hate exercise. I have had limited successes in the past with exercising, I lose weight, feel better, then I fall of the wagon, hate myself and eat the weight back on.
I also make excuses. I'm too tired, I lack motivation, I don't have time (my favourite - considering the amount of time I spend lying on the couch), the kids need me, it hurts too much, my fibromyalgia is flaring, I deserve a treat, I can't afford the gym, it's easier not to......... it never stops - and I'm full of shit! When I think about how lazy I am I despise myself - why would anyone like who I've let myself become?
The first pre-season challenge on the programme is to list my excuses - and then write a solution for my excuse. It isn't an easy task, if I analyse and admit that the things that have been holding me back are excuses, not reasons - then I will have no reason not to succeed. I have become a master of self-sabotage over the years, with every step forward, I take two giant leaps back. This will require thought......
In the next 16 weeks, (12 week challenge and 4 week pre-season) I hope to find myself. A better version of myself, a happier, healthier, fitter, skinnier, sexier version of myself. I will do my best to follow the program, and to not sabotage myself - because I will not tolerate continuing a life without passion!
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