~.~.~.~.~.A blog about trying to find myself ~ or at least a better version of me - on a journey toward wellness.~.~.~.~.~ A new body, new mind-set, vitality, energy, new friends, and hopefully a new life - one that is filled with passion!
Thursday 31 January 2013
Kid Presidant - Pep Talk
Wednesday 30 January 2013
Good friends and sunshine
After yesterday's upsetting realisation about my 'friend' - it didn't take me long to see that I don't need friends like that. I have real friends, friends who see the real me, and they love me for me - flaws and all.
Within minutes of reading my blog post, several wonderful friends messaged me to see if I was ok, to tell me that they see the real me, and that they like me! One friend made plans with me for a walk and some coffee in the sun. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, as her youngest child started at high school today - a wonderful experience, but one that also breaks a Mum's heart just a little, as it's another reminder about how fast our children grow up. My eldest started today also, seeing him in his grown up (slightly repressed private school) uniform made me shed a tear - but only one.
So our lovely walk in the sunshine served us both well, it reminded me that I have many wonderful friends, who take time to make me feel valuable, loved and appreciated, and hopefully I took her mind off her ever-so-slightly broken heart.
We stopped for a coffee along the way so I could check out a rather cute barista while I enjoyed my coffee - and we both indulged with a sweet treat. I would have felt guilt at eating that a while ago, and spent the rest of the day berating myself for being 'weak' and succumbing to temptation. Today I didn't. We enjoyed our sweet treat and coffee, and continued along on our walk. I ended up burning over 440 cals on the walk, nothing more than a gentle stroll with a good conversation.
On the way home, I wondered why I didn't feel guilty about the rather large vanilla slice I ate - six months ago, it would send me into a guilty tailspin. So why not today? Then it dawned on me - I don't get upset about food anymore. Then I realised why - I know I can eat the occasional bad thing, because nowdays, it is occasional. I have added in so many great things, that I don't need to feel guilty about the occasional blow out. The film Hungry For Change, changed my life - but it is this line in particular, that resonated with me.
So it seems I am quite easily pleased - it doesn't take much for me to go from upset, to happy. A vanilla slice, cute barista, good friends and sunshine!
Have a fab day, and enjoy the sun. xx
Tuesday 29 January 2013
A fine line......
It's a fine line for me, between healthy, - and a crazy, insane, fat lady who wants to eat everything in sight.
Today, it dawned on me, a friend, who I thought was a really good friend - was in fact a user. We haven't known each other long, but during the short while we have known each other, I became very fond of her. I thought the feeling was mutual, as in our daily texts, she always ended with love you buddy...... until it stopped.
In hindsight, the relationship was always very one sided - lots of little favours, often. Some taking lots of time others not so much - but they were frequent, and always quite urgent. Then recently, for reasons totally unbeknownst to me, all contact ceased. Messages went ignored, or replied to very shortly and concisely. Someone else was appointed to do her bidding - and I was out.
The reasonable and logical part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't care - because a relationship like this isn't healthy for me - and there is more to me than the sum value of my favours. The emotional side of my brain feels used, hurt and so very upset - as this person meant a lot to me. The fact that she doesn't like me, and that she didn't see the real me hurts. I feel disposed of like a tissue, and I really thought our relationship meant more to her than that.
All this hurt, upset and crazy has resulted in me wanting to eat EVERYTHING!!! I want to drive to the store, buy food - dirty, greasy, sugary food - I want coke.... a bucket of it, sweet bubbly coke, to help me fix the pain in my heart - and I want CHOCOLATE....(not the amazing raw food type my friend B gave me - the dirty sugary kind). Food has always fixed my big sore, upset, heart that is more fragile than people think.
I come across as a bright, happy confident person - I've been told I give of the illusion that I don't care what anyone thinks of me..... but I really do. Of course I care what people think of me - if everyone is truly honest, I'm sure they will admit the same. So for me, to have someone reject me, with no reason except they've used me up devastates me.
So here I sit, devastated, with a big weeping pain in my chest - all because someone doesn't like me. Pathetic maybe, but I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now. You see, I have taken a few minutes to sit with the pain, to analyse my emotions, and to 'live with it'. I haven't gotten into the car and driven to the shop, I haven't tried to find junk food in the house. I have put on a pot of my friend Tan's broccoli soup.
I am feeling the hurt, not eating it. There really is a fine line in my head between person working toward wellness and junk food binger.... but maybe the line is getting a little bit bigger the more I learn to analyse and control my own responses. I sure hope so.
xx
Today, it dawned on me, a friend, who I thought was a really good friend - was in fact a user. We haven't known each other long, but during the short while we have known each other, I became very fond of her. I thought the feeling was mutual, as in our daily texts, she always ended with love you buddy...... until it stopped.
In hindsight, the relationship was always very one sided - lots of little favours, often. Some taking lots of time others not so much - but they were frequent, and always quite urgent. Then recently, for reasons totally unbeknownst to me, all contact ceased. Messages went ignored, or replied to very shortly and concisely. Someone else was appointed to do her bidding - and I was out.
The reasonable and logical part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't care - because a relationship like this isn't healthy for me - and there is more to me than the sum value of my favours. The emotional side of my brain feels used, hurt and so very upset - as this person meant a lot to me. The fact that she doesn't like me, and that she didn't see the real me hurts. I feel disposed of like a tissue, and I really thought our relationship meant more to her than that.
All this hurt, upset and crazy has resulted in me wanting to eat EVERYTHING!!! I want to drive to the store, buy food - dirty, greasy, sugary food - I want coke.... a bucket of it, sweet bubbly coke, to help me fix the pain in my heart - and I want CHOCOLATE....(not the amazing raw food type my friend B gave me - the dirty sugary kind). Food has always fixed my big sore, upset, heart that is more fragile than people think.
I come across as a bright, happy confident person - I've been told I give of the illusion that I don't care what anyone thinks of me..... but I really do. Of course I care what people think of me - if everyone is truly honest, I'm sure they will admit the same. So for me, to have someone reject me, with no reason except they've used me up devastates me.
So here I sit, devastated, with a big weeping pain in my chest - all because someone doesn't like me. Pathetic maybe, but I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now. You see, I have taken a few minutes to sit with the pain, to analyse my emotions, and to 'live with it'. I haven't gotten into the car and driven to the shop, I haven't tried to find junk food in the house. I have put on a pot of my friend Tan's broccoli soup.
I am feeling the hurt, not eating it. There really is a fine line in my head between person working toward wellness and junk food binger.... but maybe the line is getting a little bit bigger the more I learn to analyse and control my own responses. I sure hope so.
xx
Monday 28 January 2013
Pride
I had no intention of re-starting this blog. It was to be a useful tool to help me through 12WBT - and once I left that program, I wasn't going to need it anymore. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't thought about blogging for a really long time - and it was only because my lovely friend Renée had decided to start sharing herself again, to help deal with the emotional side of weight loss, I decided to do the same.
When I started this blog last August, I didn't know Renée, we were both on the program, me doing my first (and only) round, her doing her fourth. We got to know each other very well during the round, and became very close friends, and each others biggest supporters. We made a pact not to continue with the program and to go it alone - together. We also decided that this year, was to be the year we learned to love ourselves. She has taught me so much, one of the most important things being, that you don't love yourself just because you reach your goal. You have to learn to love yourself, either by dealing with the crap from your past, or learning to live with it. So together, we are dealing with our emotional shit - and we are going to learn not only to stop hating ourselves, but we are going to learn to love ourselves!!! So thanks for inspiring me to start this again Renée - I am feeling better already!!
Another reason I really want to blog again, is because I have had many friends tell me I have inspired them. I can't tell you the amount of people who have told me that my transformation from lazy couch potato to gym junkie, has inspired them to start on their own journey toward good health. So if by blogging about my struggles, my accomplishments, my goals, hopes, fears, dreams and overall journey helps just 1 person - it is worthwhile to me. I am one of those people that once I discover *the secret* want to share it with the world - so they all know about it. I want to share this with my friends, so they can feel as amazing as I do!
So I guess I'd really like to start - back at the beginning of this blog. As a reminder of the old me I decided to read my first ever blog post, which I haven't looked at since I wrote it. I then spent 5 minutes in tears..... really sobbing - letting go of the emotions I felt when I wrote it - the ones I tried to suppress with chocolate, chips and coke. I'd like to share it again - because part of my moving forward and loving myself, is to acknowledge how far I've come - without getting overwhelmed with how far I have to go.
So here is my very first blog post - a reminder of where I've come from.......
I am new to the world of blogging, in fact this is my first ever blog post.
Writing this blog is difficult for me, in order to begin typing I have eaten half a bag of chips, some chocolate all washed down with a coke. I am terrified of the road ahead, and the thought of blogging about my life, my insecurities, my weight and my emotions frightens me, and inevitably drives me to eat.
Anthony Robbins (the American life coach and Author) states that change only happens when you will not tolerate things staying the same. There are so many things in my life that I can't live with any more - things that can't stay the same. I am obese, I am unfit, I am sick, I am constantly tired, I am not the best mother I can be, I am full of self hatred, and worst of all - I lack passion for my life. These things must change! I can no longer participate in a life, where I lay on my couch in a messy house feeling too tired and much too sick to do anything else.
Yesterday I signed up to participate in a program to help me regain my health, it is a program that will teach me about all aspects of health. I will expand on my knowledge about nutrition, and it will teach me about exercise and mindset. I tend to eat my emotions rather than feel them. My biggest hope is that the program will help me learn to feel my emotions, removing my desire to eat crap food to suppress them. I don't exercise - I hate exercise. I have had limited successes in the past with exercising, I lose weight, feel better, then I fall of the wagon, hate myself and eat the weight back on.
I also make excuses. I'm too tired, I lack motivation, I don't have time (my favourite - considering the amount of time I spend lying on the couch), the kids need me, it hurts too much, my fibromyalgia is flaring, I deserve a treat, I can't afford the gym, it's easier not to......... it never stops - and I'm full of shit! When I think about how lazy I am I despise myself - why would anyone like who I've let myself become?
The first pre-season challenge on the programme is to list my excuses - and then write a solution for my excuse. It isn't an easy task, if I analyse and admit that the things that have been holding me back are excuses, not reasons - then I will have no reason not to succeed. I have become a master of self-sabotage over the years, with every step forward, I take two giant leaps back. This will require thought......
In the next 16 weeks, (12 week challenge and 4 week pre-season) I hope to find myself. A better version of myself, a happier, healthier, fitter, skinnier, sexier version of myself. I will do my best to follow the program, and to not sabotage myself - because I will not tolerate continuing a life without passion!
So that was it...... my very first post.
It was written by another person - not me, not the me now anyway. I spent a lot more of my life feeling like her, the old me -but I don't anymore!!! The me I am now is new, and evolving - and I'm discovering me still. But I'm learning to like me. I like that I don't have a couch constantly attached to my arse anymore. I like that even on my worst day now - I still don't feel the chronic, overwhelming lethargy I felt every day when I was 'her'........ I don't wake up tired anymore. My house while still not perfect, is far cleaner and more organised. I'm really starting to get on top of my garden. I don't want to watch movies all weekend - I want to 'do something' - sometimes I go for bush-walks, or walks on the beach with my kids, yesterday we played cricket, went for a drive, made a new chook-house. The old me would NEVER have done that on a public holiday - I would have watched movies from my couch - feeling guilty because I was too lazy to do anything with my kids, tiredly dragging my arse to bed and hating myself for being such a poor excuse for a mother and human being.
Thank God I am not that person anymore. I have no time for her. She always had an excuse for why she was the way she was. She was fat because of her relationship with her parents, or because she was the 'black sheep' of the family - or because her marriage fell apart, or because she was sick with fibromyalgia.
The reality of the situation is that I was fat because I made excuses - took no accountability for myself, and ate a terrible diet that starved my body of nutrients. I ate when I was upset, I ate when I was happy - I ate products, not food. Chips, chocolate, coke, dry bikkies, cheese and kabana, lollies, lots of deep fried goodies, slabs of meat, and not very many veggies, fruits, seeds, nuts or juices. The new me was born on the day I decided to throw away all my excuses, stopped denying that what I was eating was killing me - and decided to become proactive about my health!
I still make lots of naughty nutritional choices, but because I've made so many good ones, my body is strong. Resilient. Happy. Healthy.
Today, my pride comes from achieving a goal. Today I ran 5.4km in 42:59! It is not a great time, it is not a fast time, but it is my time. It is my first time. I have dreamed for years being able to run that course, jealous of all the fit bodied people who I've watched run it over the years.
I ran it slowly, and took very few recoveries, none over 30 seconds of walking. I managed to keep my heart rate down for most of it, and kept my breathing fairly steady. That being said, a couple of times, I did push myself into the 190's and I almost vomited.... but it's part of learning to run! I only burned 516 in the 42 minutes which isn't huge for me, but it showed me that I did a good job of trying to regulate my speed/breathing/heartrate for the entire run.
I am really proud of myself, and my time - because even though it isn't quick - it's a long way from the morbidly obese, tired, depressed person who laid on the couch and didn't live her life.
Another proud moment is tied into my run. My size 16 pants (and undies) kept falling down as I ran.... I had to constantly hitch them up as I ran. Embarrassing - Yes! Awkward - Yes! Awesome - Hell Yeah!!! Last August, when I wrote that post, I wore size 22 clothing. After my run, I went and bought size 14 training pants, and size 12-14 underwear, AND IT FIT!
I honestly can't describe the feeling of achieving 2 goals that I've dreamed of for so long in one day. My goal weight used to be 'whenever I fit into a size 14' and my fitness goal was to be able to run 5km without dying.
So it's time to make some new goals - tough ones, that make me feel this bloody proud when I achieve them!!!! Pride is a much better feeling than self-loathing!
When I started this blog last August, I didn't know Renée, we were both on the program, me doing my first (and only) round, her doing her fourth. We got to know each other very well during the round, and became very close friends, and each others biggest supporters. We made a pact not to continue with the program and to go it alone - together. We also decided that this year, was to be the year we learned to love ourselves. She has taught me so much, one of the most important things being, that you don't love yourself just because you reach your goal. You have to learn to love yourself, either by dealing with the crap from your past, or learning to live with it. So together, we are dealing with our emotional shit - and we are going to learn not only to stop hating ourselves, but we are going to learn to love ourselves!!! So thanks for inspiring me to start this again Renée - I am feeling better already!!
Another reason I really want to blog again, is because I have had many friends tell me I have inspired them. I can't tell you the amount of people who have told me that my transformation from lazy couch potato to gym junkie, has inspired them to start on their own journey toward good health. So if by blogging about my struggles, my accomplishments, my goals, hopes, fears, dreams and overall journey helps just 1 person - it is worthwhile to me. I am one of those people that once I discover *the secret* want to share it with the world - so they all know about it. I want to share this with my friends, so they can feel as amazing as I do!
So I guess I'd really like to start - back at the beginning of this blog. As a reminder of the old me I decided to read my first ever blog post, which I haven't looked at since I wrote it. I then spent 5 minutes in tears..... really sobbing - letting go of the emotions I felt when I wrote it - the ones I tried to suppress with chocolate, chips and coke. I'd like to share it again - because part of my moving forward and loving myself, is to acknowledge how far I've come - without getting overwhelmed with how far I have to go.
So here is my very first blog post - a reminder of where I've come from.......
WEDNESDAY, 1 AUGUST 2012
New Beginnings
Writing this blog is difficult for me, in order to begin typing I have eaten half a bag of chips, some chocolate all washed down with a coke. I am terrified of the road ahead, and the thought of blogging about my life, my insecurities, my weight and my emotions frightens me, and inevitably drives me to eat.
Anthony Robbins (the American life coach and Author) states that change only happens when you will not tolerate things staying the same. There are so many things in my life that I can't live with any more - things that can't stay the same. I am obese, I am unfit, I am sick, I am constantly tired, I am not the best mother I can be, I am full of self hatred, and worst of all - I lack passion for my life. These things must change! I can no longer participate in a life, where I lay on my couch in a messy house feeling too tired and much too sick to do anything else.
Yesterday I signed up to participate in a program to help me regain my health, it is a program that will teach me about all aspects of health. I will expand on my knowledge about nutrition, and it will teach me about exercise and mindset. I tend to eat my emotions rather than feel them. My biggest hope is that the program will help me learn to feel my emotions, removing my desire to eat crap food to suppress them. I don't exercise - I hate exercise. I have had limited successes in the past with exercising, I lose weight, feel better, then I fall of the wagon, hate myself and eat the weight back on.
I also make excuses. I'm too tired, I lack motivation, I don't have time (my favourite - considering the amount of time I spend lying on the couch), the kids need me, it hurts too much, my fibromyalgia is flaring, I deserve a treat, I can't afford the gym, it's easier not to......... it never stops - and I'm full of shit! When I think about how lazy I am I despise myself - why would anyone like who I've let myself become?
The first pre-season challenge on the programme is to list my excuses - and then write a solution for my excuse. It isn't an easy task, if I analyse and admit that the things that have been holding me back are excuses, not reasons - then I will have no reason not to succeed. I have become a master of self-sabotage over the years, with every step forward, I take two giant leaps back. This will require thought......
In the next 16 weeks, (12 week challenge and 4 week pre-season) I hope to find myself. A better version of myself, a happier, healthier, fitter, skinnier, sexier version of myself. I will do my best to follow the program, and to not sabotage myself - because I will not tolerate continuing a life without passion!
So that was it...... my very first post.
It was written by another person - not me, not the me now anyway. I spent a lot more of my life feeling like her, the old me -but I don't anymore!!! The me I am now is new, and evolving - and I'm discovering me still. But I'm learning to like me. I like that I don't have a couch constantly attached to my arse anymore. I like that even on my worst day now - I still don't feel the chronic, overwhelming lethargy I felt every day when I was 'her'........ I don't wake up tired anymore. My house while still not perfect, is far cleaner and more organised. I'm really starting to get on top of my garden. I don't want to watch movies all weekend - I want to 'do something' - sometimes I go for bush-walks, or walks on the beach with my kids, yesterday we played cricket, went for a drive, made a new chook-house. The old me would NEVER have done that on a public holiday - I would have watched movies from my couch - feeling guilty because I was too lazy to do anything with my kids, tiredly dragging my arse to bed and hating myself for being such a poor excuse for a mother and human being.
Thank God I am not that person anymore. I have no time for her. She always had an excuse for why she was the way she was. She was fat because of her relationship with her parents, or because she was the 'black sheep' of the family - or because her marriage fell apart, or because she was sick with fibromyalgia.
The reality of the situation is that I was fat because I made excuses - took no accountability for myself, and ate a terrible diet that starved my body of nutrients. I ate when I was upset, I ate when I was happy - I ate products, not food. Chips, chocolate, coke, dry bikkies, cheese and kabana, lollies, lots of deep fried goodies, slabs of meat, and not very many veggies, fruits, seeds, nuts or juices. The new me was born on the day I decided to throw away all my excuses, stopped denying that what I was eating was killing me - and decided to become proactive about my health!
I still make lots of naughty nutritional choices, but because I've made so many good ones, my body is strong. Resilient. Happy. Healthy.
I ran it slowly, and took very few recoveries, none over 30 seconds of walking. I managed to keep my heart rate down for most of it, and kept my breathing fairly steady. That being said, a couple of times, I did push myself into the 190's and I almost vomited.... but it's part of learning to run! I only burned 516 in the 42 minutes which isn't huge for me, but it showed me that I did a good job of trying to regulate my speed/breathing/heartrate for the entire run.
I am really proud of myself, and my time - because even though it isn't quick - it's a long way from the morbidly obese, tired, depressed person who laid on the couch and didn't live her life.
Another proud moment is tied into my run. My size 16 pants (and undies) kept falling down as I ran.... I had to constantly hitch them up as I ran. Embarrassing - Yes! Awkward - Yes! Awesome - Hell Yeah!!! Last August, when I wrote that post, I wore size 22 clothing. After my run, I went and bought size 14 training pants, and size 12-14 underwear, AND IT FIT!
I honestly can't describe the feeling of achieving 2 goals that I've dreamed of for so long in one day. My goal weight used to be 'whenever I fit into a size 14' and my fitness goal was to be able to run 5km without dying.
So it's time to make some new goals - tough ones, that make me feel this bloody proud when I achieve them!!!! Pride is a much better feeling than self-loathing!
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