Saturday, 13 April 2013

Have I learned anything?

So my life is sucky at the moment. One would think looking from the outside in, that it was in fact awesome, new job, new friends - I look happy, and of course I'm always smiling and cheerful. If only the illusion represented the reality!

I do feel lucky to have my job, lets face it, in a town like mine, to work in a job like mine, for the money I earn, it's as good as it gets. But getting up for work each day is a chore - I drag my sorry tired ass out of bed, fall asleep in the shower, try to make myself look presentable, drink at least 2-4 coffees and drag myself into the office.

Now working in an organisation with over 400 people is hard - you need to very quickly learn the organisational structure, who does what, who to direct enquiries to, how to operate new computer systems,  half the time, I feel like I'm drowning! The other staff in my department have been wonderful, helping me out and teaching me things on the run, and I'll forever be grateful that these women are working so hard to make my life at work a little easier.

As most of you know, my children are 11 and 12, and for the first time in my life, I have had to leave them with other people for school holidays. Every day on the way to work for the last fortnight, I've done so with tears streaming down my face, feeling like a failure of a mother. The thing about being a full time student is, you're always available to your children when they need you - but being at work, you can't. Things slip, balls drop.

I constantly feel like I'm doing a shit job, shit job learning at work, shit job at Uni, shit job with keeping up with my house/garden, shit at being a friend. The more I feel like shit, the more I try to comfort myself. At work it's sugar, lunchtime it's meat, fried foods, more sugar and cigarettes, then I come home - way too tired to cook and eat more shit food, drink beer and smoke some more cigarettes! I'm too tired to study, and have fallen asleep with a book on my face more times than I can mention - and I've only set foot in the gym twice in a month.

I honestly feel like I haven't learned anything in this past year - the weight is coming back on, and I'm feeling every bit like the person I was a year ago. The fat lazy bitch living her life on the couch, the woman I fucking hated. I began this year at 100.0 kg, and I swore black and blue I would NEVER allow myself to get back there, I was doing so well, I'd almost hit the 80's for the first time in 15 years! This morning I weighed in at 99.9kg. I'm gutted.

The new me, the one I've spent a year becoming, she'd be working on a plan, a juice fast, a diet plan - she'd get off her ass, get off her bed, close the computer and she'd just fuking do it..... but she's not here. The old me, she's here, she's tired and she doesnt want to do anything. I hear the new me in my head, screaming at me to do something - but I'm so tired.

Add to all my poor me woes, my Dad isn't doing very well and my Nan is very sick. I know it's really hard for my Mum to cope with it all, and I'm so busy with working and the kids and the house and study and feeling like crap, that I'm not able to help her out. That fills me with even more guilt. More guilt means more reason to shove shit in my mouth. More shit in my mouth makes me feel more shit........ I really don't know where to go from here.

I guess it's just one day at at time, right?