Happy New Year!!! #happinessproject

The fireworks in Lakes last night were lovely. I took the kids to the 9.30 show, and we were home in bed by 10.15! I couldn't sleep, so I got up at Midnight and watched the Paynesville fireworks from my lounge room. A very quiet way to see in the New Year, but I did so knowing I had a big day today.

The cleaning and organising are going well - we're tackling small sections of the house. I have a cupboard, filled with jars and bottles. I have 2 fowlers preserving kits and about 60 jars, old wine bottles that I use for my home-made laundry liquid old gherkin jars and old passata bottles. They were in no order, and were strewn around the house in boxes, as well as in the hallway cupboard.

With the use of a $15 metal shelf from Bunnings and 8 $4 archive boxes from the Office supplies, they're all in order. They're all in the one place. That makes me very happy. It's a wonderful feeling to have something organised that has been annoying or upsetting you for a long time. We now have room in the coat cupboard for all the egg cartons that were being stored in the hallway, along with bulk toilet paper stores and there's spare room for more bulk foods. 

So I genuinely do feel a sense of relief at sorting, organising and decluttering these things. I'm looking forward to a January of overhauling the house. Purging the crap from my home, to make way for good things to come in. The before and after pics aren't great, so I keep opening the door when I pass by to get that little rush of 'oh it's so organised'.

I took the kids to see a movie to celebrate. I am a major dinosaur nerd - I've always loved them. We went to see Walking with Dinosaurs at Lakes Entrance. I laughed and cried my way through the whole movie while one of the 2 other mums used her phone the whole way through the movie, and another slept while her kids climbed the walls and made a racket. She then woke up and make the kids leave half way through the movie.

I felt so bad for the other two Mums who were there, they really missed a great movie. They also missed the opportunity to see how their kids enjoyed the movie. It made me truly happy to see my kids giggle and laugh watching the movie. It was wonderful. My kids drive me completely insane sometimes, but I also love them more than anything. They are a huge source of happiness to me.

So I plan to start my sleep plan tonight. I'm going to bed early, no TV no computer - shouldn't be hard to get some sleep after 3 nights of no sleep. My to do list is getting massive - I'll need the rest.

I hope everyone else had a happy day and that my friends all find what brings them their happiness.

M x

New Year New Me - 2014 is the year of my Happiness Project.

It's been forever since I've blogged. Today is New Year's Eve, tomorrow is a new year, a clean slate, the chance to start fresh. I know many people make resolutions, usually breaking them around Jan 2nd - but this is going to be different. I will make very few resolutions or statements about what I want to achieve this year - just a promise to myself to commit to a yearlong project and to be kind and forgiving to myself in the process, especially if I trip up along the way.

Ultimately, I will spend a year devoting time to my own happiness. I am not an unhappy person right  now, in fact, I'd consider myself a reasonably happy person. I lead a charmed life. I have a beautiful family. I live on a gorgeous farm. I enjoy the comfort of a warm bed at night and food in the fridge, and I enjoy a life lived simply. 

So why do I want to embark on a Happiness Project if I'm already happy? Because my life isn't always filled with happiness, and sometimes I'm dark and moody, and when I'm angry and cranky, my family usually bear the brunt of my moods. I also think I could be more appreciative of the life I lead and think that gratitude will lead me to be more happy. I want to focus on my relationships with loved ones, my health and energy, my organisation around the home and spending time with nature.  I'm currently re-reading the book The Happiness Project - by Gretchen Ruben after a friend bought it.  http://gretchenrubin.com. Each month I will have new action items, tasks and projects some from the book, some because I want to.

 For January, I plan to declutter my home, work on my energy levels and sleep better. I'll be using the book and internet to research ways to work on each task.  After a kitchen audit, I've also decided to do a weekly food challenge from  http://www.simplesavings.com.au, the $21 challenge. Essentially spending only $21 on groceries for the week and using what is currently in your kitchen. My weekly savings will help me fund a trip to Perth next month. 

One thing I have promised myself that I won't do is starve myself, follow a stupid meal plans, despise my body, work out 3 hours a day, eat low-fat, low-cal or chemical foods - over the last 2 years, I have done all of these things. NO MORE!!! I  am going to love my body, and treat it with respect, feeding it foods that will give me energy and vitality. I simply refuse to spend another day depriving myself in the name of vanity, or under the guise of health *read as skinny*. From here on, I'm going to stop hating my body - and be happy with it.

 To quote Tim Minchin....

This is my body

And I live in it

It's thirty-five and six months old

It's changed a lot since it was new

It's done stuff it wasn't built to do

I often try to fill it up with wine

And the weirdest thing about it is

I spend so much time hating it

But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body

And it's fine

It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

It's not perfect, but it's mine  

Time to be happy with me, inside and outside. Bring on 2014 and my happiness project.

So today I will spend the day reading and planning, and making the most of a day of relaxation. Tomorrow, my clean slate is looking full! Time to declutter, it's a big job, but I'm really looking forward to it. 

Happy New Year to you all, and I hope 2014 brings you your own happiness.

M x

What is holding me back - Excuses!

Since yesterday's blog I've had a few people say to me 'You write exactly what is in my head'.... I'm thinking today's blog may just be one that a lot of people identify with.

I love pre-season, because the first of the tasks makes you face up to all of your bullshit excuses. I have a truckload of them, some bullshit - some genuine. Still. After all this time I still make excuses if I don't want to do something. For the last several months, I have not wanted to eat well or exercise, and I have a mountain of really valid 'reasons' not to do it. They're legitimate reasons....right?

Looking back I'm not too far off being the woman who 12 months ago started this blog after signing up for 12WBT last year. I couldn't look in a mirror and the few times I braved reflective surfaces, it usually ended in tears. I spent the vast majority of my time sitting in a house that was so chaotically disorganised I was in a constant state of sensory overload and overwhelm. Simply walking through the door was enough to send me into the fridge to search for solace. I was so tired, all the time - completely unable to do the simplest of things without getting tired, deep down into my bones kind of tired. I was not the mother my children deserved - I spent more time in front of a screen than I did spending quality time with them. My fibromyalgia was a constant source of pain, chronic pain that was with me every moment of every day - my head was a fog, my brain unable often to preform the simplest of cognitive functions. Worst of all I hated myself for the shell of a person I was.

Fortunately - I am not back there completely, but it shames me to say, I'm not too far away from it. My house is less chaotic (mostly due to getting some domestic help) my kids are getting much more of my time and screens in all forms are getting far less. One major thing that is keeping me from falling back into the hole is my job. My job has also been my biggest excuse as to why I am like this again. I guess the other thing thing that keeps me from falling completely back into a pit of self-hatred for allowing myself to become a pathetic shell of a woman is how I felt last year.

Last year I got off the couch. Last year, I threw away my excuses, I followed 12WBT - I lost 12kg, I trained daily, sometimes for 2 hours - I learned to run. I lifted weights, and I felt great. I was a workout machine. I went from being an overweight blob with less than zero fitness and a dodgy heart.  You see just over 3 years ago, after a major car accident, my heart stopped, several times. This lead to a stay in a CCU, a cardiologist, an electrophysiologist, tilt table tests, and the possibility of a pacemaker at the ripe old age of 31. So when I say I had zero fitness and a dodgy heart I mean I was too scared to even break a sweat walking in case I had a heart attack. So I am not back THERE - I know my heart is strong, I know my body is capable....but any desire to become the workout machine left the building when I started back at Uni at the start of the year.

What stopped me - my excuses. Some of them were actually probably valid enough to be called reasons, but most of them were excuses. At the start of the year, I started back at Uni full time - and with 2 Aspie kids and a farm to look after, the full time study consumed every second the kids and animals didn't take up. Then about a month into the study, my now employer calls me in for an interview. I had already been knocked back for a job by the organisation twice, and was sure I had no real chance of actually getting the job, so I thought I'd do the interview for practice. I was still feeling pretty good about myself at this point and decided, 'What do I have to lose'? So I got the job, which is casual, but with pretty much full time hours. I cut Uni back from full time to part time (and have actually taken a semester off) and work is starting to slow down after 4 months.

Living out of town, and having kids who travel to town for school I need to be there to get them on the bus, and I need to come home when I've finished work because it's dark. That primarily became my excuse to stop. It is valid - and I can't actually see any way around it. My daughter and I even tried getting up at 6 a couple of times to go for a run, but it was pitch black and really dangerous - so it lasted all of 2 days.

My fibromyalgia is really playing up - and mostly I know it's because of what I put in my mouth. A lot of mornings I'm so intent on getting the kids a good healthy lunch and getting them on the bus that I forget to make my lunch, which inevitably leads to me to buying shit for lunch. I work in a big office for a small city - but it has all the good stuff, soft drinks, chips, chocolates and lollies. We all know that if we have a big KFC binge for lunch, that by afternoon tea break we need sugar to get through the afternoon. Sometimes, I need one an hour after lunch. The more sugar I eat, the more I crave, the more I need.... then I eat more sugar to help my brain work, to help me get through the day - there is just not enough sugar to satiate the craving. I try and of course then I feel like crap - I know it's 'bad' it's 'wrong' to eat these foods, so then the food guilt starts - followed by the pain. People with fibromyalgia shouldn't eat sugar. It causes pain. It stops pain. Briefly, while you're sugar buzzing... the pain goes.

Last year, I really enjoyed looking at my excuses, because ultimately most of them were just bullshit excuses. Made up because I was fat, lazy and ate my emotions. I watched the video online and then proceeded to spew out my excuses - then easily found solutions to the excuses. This year I have not done this task. I have thought about it a lot, and have pondered the solutions to why I will have a hard time getting around my excuses this year.....  I will do it. I have to say,  it really is a lot harder to find solutions to your excuses when they are legitimate reasons. This will not stop me. My job is keeping me off the couch, putting me back into the real world - but it's also keeping me from training when I'm used to. I will work out how to work around work - work around and include kids - and hopefully get a few workouts with the Warrior chicks, because I know we've lost our mojo, but I also know we'll find it again.

Now, I'm off to make a list and to work out some solutions - before the next task is unlocked tomorrow!

Friends or Acquaintances?

I quite enjoy blogging, I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps because I feel like I'm 'getting it off my chest' or maybe just because it helps me to process my thoughts and feelings. One thing I am sure of is I love knowing that I'm not the only person who gets benefit from my blog. A lot of the feedback I receive is from people who don't want to comment publicly on the blog for one reason or another but they still want to tell me how reading my blog has affected them personally.  That is why I guess I write this blog. To share the love, to share what I learn.

Yesterday's post got a great response. I am struggling, that is common knowledge - and I feel quite alone at times. In this world of social media we are usually surrounded by people, followers, fellow pinners, tweeters or bloggers - so we have millions of friends around us, right? When we have a problem, our friends all stop what they're doing, they close down instagram, they stop pinning, they don't tweet  - they call you, or text you or message you to find out what's wrong and how they can help. When you have hundreds of friends on facebook and you're having a shitty day people and let the world know, friends let you know they care......don't they?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because when you feel all alone, you start to wonder - do I really have any friends? Or do my friends just have so much going on they don't have time for me? I like to think I'm a good friend to people - if I think they're upset, in pain, struggling, need help, need a laugh or need anything - I'm there for them. So why don't they have time for me? I think it all comes back to social media - people being 'friends' with everyone, but not being there for anyone.  Maybe we've become conditioned to believe pressing 'like' to acknowledge that we've seen a post means we actually care? I am starting to look at the individual relationships I have with people and trying to decide if they are really friends. I am starting to see many are not.

Some friends you see are acquaintances. People you occasionally spend time with, usually in a group setting and have a laugh with - usually you have a shared or common interest.  Acquaintances are a lot of fun, but not really friends. They don't care much if you've had a bad day, week, or month - usually because they're too busy with all their other acquaintances, you know all 685 of their 'friends'. Often they'll even do nice things for you - especially if it gets them a tweet or status update or an awesome instagram in return - because let's face it, nothing in this world really exists until it's been acknowledged publicly. It's like my biggest pet peeve - people who donate to charity for the qudos. I think a lot of good deeds done by acquaintances are done only to receive acclaim from other acquaintances.

It turns out - since yesterday I have discovered I have a lot more friends than I thought.  I have had calls and messages to let me know that they're still there for me. To let me know they miss me and that they love me. To let me know they are there to help me. Conversely, I also have seen quite clearly that I have many more acquaintances than friends. They happily continued to ignore my pain - because the sweet siren song of social media called strongly to them, and it was more important than me. To some people I am just a 'friend' on facebook - one of many hundred people that they can share a reality they've created where they are the worlds greatest family, living in the worlds greatest home, cooking the greatest food, being the greatest parent........ you all know the type. In reality, they're nothing like the illusion they create - but desperately seeking approval, likes, comments etc.  I don't want to be a number - someone to like their picture, someone to get jealous of their perfect children, or their perfect home - I want to be me, a person - who is valued and loved.......

So how does this realisation affect my journey toward good health? Easy - any road is easier to travel when you have friends travelling with you. Instead of spreading my time as thin as a crepe by giving time to friends and acquaintances - I am taking the time to work out who falls into which category. The time I have to give will be given to my friends. The ones with who I have emotional reciprocity - the ones who care if I fail or succeed. The ones who love me. The ones who compliment me privately because they notice changes - not the ones who do it publicly to be seen as a supportive friend. The ones who genuinely want to see me succeed. The ones who don't just take, but the ones who give.

So what does this all mean - will I go cold turkey on social media, will I stop looking at photos of peoples kids, homes and families? Will I stop caring about my acquaintances? Will I 'un-friend' everyone on facebook because they don't love and support me? Shit no!!!! Some of my acquaintances are the coolest and most fun people I know. I love spending time with them. For the most part, I love seeing the things they post. I love laughing with them and sharing mutual interests with them. All it means is this - I will try to remember 'friends' aren't friends. I shall endeavour to spend less time on social media. I will give the majority of the time that I used to give to acquaintances to real friends. I will do my damndest to support the people joining me on the road to Wellness.

Today I really want to thank some true friends - both old an new. Each of you has told me things about how this blog has helped you and I really appreciate you letting me know.

The one who is always there - Thankyou. I still can't believe this blog is where it all started.
The guy who adopted me - Thanks for telling me that I was your inspiration to live healthier
The girl who is Darcy's Mumma - Thanks for telling me you love the blog and that it inspres you
The one who paints - Thanks for always responding to my posts - and coming for coffee when I'm sad - I love our chats
The foodie who invited me out Friday - thanks for letting me know you feel alone too P.S - I think Friday night sounds great....I'm working on making it happen! ;)
The one who sparkles - thanks for letting me know my blog helped you to look at your drinking - I love your honesty and hope you are doing well
The one with the Miss Indi  - I love knowing you read and it starts conversations between us all the time!
The one with the needles - you are always there when I need an ear, you are awesome


I'm sure I'll upset a couple of people with this post - and perhaps people will think it's about them specifically. It's really not. I think I'm just fed up with a world where people think 'friends' are more important than friends. I plan to make sure my friends know how much I love them. I think then I will be able to approach the next 16 weeks of my life with less baggage knowing the difference between friends and acquaintances.

Finally to my friends - knowing I have you when I'm struggling is what keeps me going. I hope you know that there is unequivocal reciprocity. I would do anything for you guys.

M x

A big bag of crazy

Today I am a big bag of crazy. My first thought when I woke was 12WBT. I decided I was going to weigh myself officially for pre season launch - so I did the usual wake, wee, weigh - and then spent the next 10 minutes sitting on the side of my bed, bawling like an idiot.  I then proceeded to watch the Welcome Video that was launched today on the site.... and began to yell at Mish like a crazy person when she said that 'we're all in this together - and we're a family'.

You see, the headspace I'm in, I'm pretty much alone - I have my kids of course and I have my bestie who I can spill all my feelings and crazy to - but aside from that, I'm pretty much alone.  In reality, we're all pretty much alone, lets face it, with all the junk we have going on in our lives, does anyone really have the time to care about my Nan dying, or me not getting my dream job, or me having all my shifts cut at work, or me having a fall causing me daily agony, or stressing about Dad's surgery.... of course not. They're all to busy worrying about their own stuff, kids, jobs, depression, craft, weight problems, marital problems..... we all have our stuff. So when my real family and friends don't really have time to worry about my trivial problems why would Mish. So it's apparent, I'm already in a shitty headspace going in. I'm not a moron, I know that ultimately 12WBT is a business, there to make money, but then I'm reminded by said bestie after about 3 insane messages this morning - yeah, it is a business, and she doesn't care about you personally - BUT THE PROGRAM WORKS.  She has lost over 50kg on the program, I have lost 12 on the program, we have seen people in the 30+ crew who have lost well over 50+ kilos. The program works. So I will lean on Mish, the program, the bestie and the 30+ team and the Warrior Women - I will do everything I can to support the other people going through the struggles I am, because perhaps their friends have stuff going on as well.... perhaps they need someone to lean on as well.

So the bestie 'Ms R' right. The program works - at the moment I don't. So I need to work on that. My mind is totally in the wrong spot. I had to go into town this morning, and I needed to grab a couple of things from the supermarket. I walked in the door and all I could see was the things I couldn't have - so now I know where my head is..... it's in deprivation mode. Whenever I'm in deprivation mode, I don't see wonderful wholesome nutritious foods in front of me, the foods that will heal my body and make me strong, fit and healthy. Shit no! I see the cheezles I can't eat, the lollies I can't consume, all the packages and boxes that I'm not allowed to eat out of convenience after a long day at work. I see the coke I'm not allowed to drink. That still breaks my heart. (side note - this morning, while I was in the shower I asked my baby girl Miss J to tip out the remnants of a bottle of coke and thought of you smiling Tan.) While I'm in deprivation mode, everything is harder. I don't focus on the can's but the can not's.

I remember for me last time I did 12WBT the changes I underwent in preseason. I am trusting the program - I am going to do all of the pre-season tasks, and I am going to try my hardest. I know I won't be perfect and that I'll slip up on the way, but I know I'm capable of being more than I am now.

Wish me luck this time round guys, I'll need it. To Ms R, the 30+ crew, and the warriors - I will try my hardest to be there for you to be a shoulder for you. I know it's hard when we have stuff going on in our lives, but I will do the best I can.

Now I'm off to check out the first pre-season task...........

M. xx

Never say never!

I am not good at failing. I have very high expectations of myself - and I don't like it when I don't meet them. With my weight I have not met them. Last year, when I began 12WBT I was not a happy woman but  I did pretty well. I lost over 12 kg and I lost nearly a metre in measurements from my body.

12 months on, and I am 1kg less than I was when I started. Those of you who know me, know I've had a hard time recently - and that I'm using all the old crutches to cope. Last time I did 12WBT I had issues, and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do another round, but to be honest - I've hit rock bottom again. Last time I felt like this it was Michelle who helped me to find some mental clarity, throw away my excuses and JFDI.

I seem to have found a whole lot of excuses with the extra weight - and I need to let them go. I was blessed to meet my dearest friend through the program, and she has promised to do it with me - so I have an accountability buddy joining me on the journey.

I am going to try to blog more as a way of staying accountable to myself, family and friends. Tomorrow is pre-season kick off - tomorrow, it all begins! Let's hope this time I find the what it takes to stick with it.

I never thought I'd go back to 12WBT or any program to help me lose weight or become healthy again.... I was so confident that I had it all under control - good thing I believe in never saying never!

Are you ok?

So far, all my posts on this blog have been about me. This one isn't.

One of my dearest friends, my sister - not by birth but by choice, the other side of my coin...... is struggling. In fact, she's been struggling for quite a while now. I have been aware she wasn't herself for a little while, but I've been so busy I haven't really taken the time I should have to check in on her.

Today I did. I had a feeling she wasn't doing so well. My beloved friend is suffering from depression - she is in the pit of an all encompassing sadness, and is filled with anxiety and despair. Tonight I let her know that she is not alone. Many of us have been through this. I am there for her. I love her.

I know that these words are just that.... they're only words. But when you feel like you are alone, sometimes these words are really enough to make you see that you aren't alone.

I love my friend so much, and I wish I could take away her pain, of course I can't - but I would if I could. She has seen me through so many trials in my own life, and has helped me to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it seems. She is so strong and she is such an inspiration to me and many of our mutual friends. Soon I hope she can look in the mirror and see the amazing woman that her family and friends see when they look at her.  More than anything I wish I could hug her and tell her it's going to be ok. Sometimes, distance is a bitch.

If you have a friend who you think might be struggling, ask them "Are you ok" - and if they're not..... talk to them. Let them know you care. To someone in the pit of depression, sometimes knowing you're loved, is the first step up. 

Putting myself first

I am still struggling. I'm working more than I'd like, getting behind with my studies because of family upsets - my Nanna is dying and it's affecting my children and myself in a way I didn't think it would. I feel in a constant state of stress, and I don't know what to do about it.

I have started working in the Libraries which I love, I'm constantly surrounded by some of my favourite things, books and enquiring minds! The problem I have with working in this wonderful environment is that I see all these amazing books I am so keen to read, but I can't because I have to come home and study.

* - I want to take time to prepare the amazing foods I used to make, but when I get home, I'm exhausted, so I throw together food for convenience, because I know I still have about 4 hours of study in front of me.

* - I want to exercise, knowing that it will give me energy to cope with my day, but I can't find the 2 hours of time anymore to get to the gym every day.

* - I want to spend more time with Nanna in the nursing home in her final days, but by the time I'm finished work, she's too exhausted to see visitors.

* - I  want to watch my daughter at netball, but the two nights a week she does netball, I'm at work, so her father has to take her.

* - I want to pick up a book off the shelves at work, and read for joy, for pleasure and because I am interested in something - and if I am not enjoying the book, I want to be free to put it down without consequence.

* - I want to spend more time doing things at the farm, playing with my animals,  and put my hands in the dirt again.

All of these things that I can't do are things I did, all the time - I trained daily, I cooked amazing foods, I read for pleasure, I attended every game, I saw family and friends whenever I pleased.

The thing that changed me from doing to wanting, was getting a job. I briefly considered going back to full time study, as it afforded me the time to do all the things I wanted, and had me feeling in control of my life. But the reality is, I enjoy most of my job, and I enjoy the financial independence that it affords me - so it stays.... but perhaps  I need to look at the hours I work.

I am aware that I really need to put myself first. I need to take the time to do the things I love, to garden, to eat, to play, and to explore the world. I want to have coffee with my friends, I want to exercise and to feel good about myself again.

So I made a decision - the thing I have in my life that I would miss least is University. While I enjoy what I'm learning, essentially I was doing the course to help me learn skills to help me live a more sustainable life, to get a great job that I enjoy, and to help me learn practices to improve the farm. I decided I can learn anything I want when I work in a library - without exam/study stress, I have a great job that pays well and that I enjoy, and  I don't need a Bachelor of Science to help me on the farm!

So I am taking time off from Uni. I'm putting myself first. I am going to take the time to balance my life. Hopefully, come September, I'll get a permanent 3 day position at the Library which will give me 4 days a week to have the life I want!

I realise I'm not the only person struggling at the moment - several of my wonderful Warrior Women (a fitness group I'm a part of) are having a hard time too, some are slightly off the track - others couldn't find it with a detailed map. I am hoping that we can all find a way to put ourselves first, to find the time and to find our collective mojo's. Perhaps we need to work on a group plan/challenge?

Have I learned anything?

So my life is sucky at the moment. One would think looking from the outside in, that it was in fact awesome, new job, new friends - I look happy, and of course I'm always smiling and cheerful. If only the illusion represented the reality!

I do feel lucky to have my job, lets face it, in a town like mine, to work in a job like mine, for the money I earn, it's as good as it gets. But getting up for work each day is a chore - I drag my sorry tired ass out of bed, fall asleep in the shower, try to make myself look presentable, drink at least 2-4 coffees and drag myself into the office.

Now working in an organisation with over 400 people is hard - you need to very quickly learn the organisational structure, who does what, who to direct enquiries to, how to operate new computer systems,  half the time, I feel like I'm drowning! The other staff in my department have been wonderful, helping me out and teaching me things on the run, and I'll forever be grateful that these women are working so hard to make my life at work a little easier.

As most of you know, my children are 11 and 12, and for the first time in my life, I have had to leave them with other people for school holidays. Every day on the way to work for the last fortnight, I've done so with tears streaming down my face, feeling like a failure of a mother. The thing about being a full time student is, you're always available to your children when they need you - but being at work, you can't. Things slip, balls drop.

I constantly feel like I'm doing a shit job, shit job learning at work, shit job at Uni, shit job with keeping up with my house/garden, shit at being a friend. The more I feel like shit, the more I try to comfort myself. At work it's sugar, lunchtime it's meat, fried foods, more sugar and cigarettes, then I come home - way too tired to cook and eat more shit food, drink beer and smoke some more cigarettes! I'm too tired to study, and have fallen asleep with a book on my face more times than I can mention - and I've only set foot in the gym twice in a month.

I honestly feel like I haven't learned anything in this past year - the weight is coming back on, and I'm feeling every bit like the person I was a year ago. The fat lazy bitch living her life on the couch, the woman I fucking hated. I began this year at 100.0 kg, and I swore black and blue I would NEVER allow myself to get back there, I was doing so well, I'd almost hit the 80's for the first time in 15 years! This morning I weighed in at 99.9kg. I'm gutted.

The new me, the one I've spent a year becoming, she'd be working on a plan, a juice fast, a diet plan - she'd get off her ass, get off her bed, close the computer and she'd just fuking do it..... but she's not here. The old me, she's here, she's tired and she doesnt want to do anything. I hear the new me in my head, screaming at me to do something - but I'm so tired.

Add to all my poor me woes, my Dad isn't doing very well and my Nan is very sick. I know it's really hard for my Mum to cope with it all, and I'm so busy with working and the kids and the house and study and feeling like crap, that I'm not able to help her out. That fills me with even more guilt. More guilt means more reason to shove shit in my mouth. More shit in my mouth makes me feel more shit........ I really don't know where to go from here.

I guess it's just one day at at time, right?

Lisa Curry's Wisdom......

Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing Lisa Curry speak in my small rural town. She made no apologies for the fact she was sponsored, there was full disclosure about who they were, and they were well represented. We listened to some stories from the road trip her and her partner have embarked on, in an attempt to help people find the motivation to improve their health.

I found her to be open and honest, really down to earth and I felt she had an honest desire to help change people's life. She didn't try to flog her program (she really only mentioned it twice) but she did talk of the heartbreak of seeing family members battle obesity, cancer and other disease. I truly believe her motivation for this trip is a desire to see the country, spend time with her spunky young man - and help as many people as she can along the way!

There was a lot of standard motivational spiel.... you can't want it to happen, you have to make it happen.....but delivered with good humour, and lots of dropped names (even Lady Di - I was impressed)... and with lots of great sporting stories. I enjoyed her take on self motivation.

Yesterday, I watched my first episode of The Biggest Loser in about 4 years. I saw Michelle Bridges screaming at and belittling morbidly obese people in a gym. I was upset and angered to see it. I don't care if she's told to do it by the producers, or if she's trying to change her brand to 'hard-ass' - yelling at a fat person, and trying to humiliate them will NEVER help them improve self esteem.

Lisa spoke of how it's possible to succeed with love, self-respect, and respect and love for team-mates or friends who are on the same path. She told a great story about how her rowing team's coach was asked instead of yelling at the team to get them fired up before an event,  could he tell them he loved them, was proud of them, and that they were amazing. He did - he told each woman he loved her, that she was awesome, and that he was proud of her. The team hadn't had any real success, and hadn't really trained enough - but when the coach gave them the talk, told them he loved them and that he believed they could do it - they went out and won!!!  - I loved that story!

Some of the most important things I took away from the talk were

1. Sleep. You must get good quality sleep - the lack of it will leave you unwell. (I'm currently very sleep deprived, and feel very ill - and that is after only 4 nights)

2. Make time for yourself. You are the most important person in the world. Not your husband, not your kids. YOU are the most important person in the world. You deserve time to look after yourself.

3. Your family is important. Take the time to spend with your family, do fun things, do silly things, do crazy things, make every day you spend with them count!!

4. 'Goal weights' are just numbers. Everyone's ideal weight is different - you won't know what it is until you get there. Instead of having a goal weight, aim to be the fittest, healthiest you!

5. If you have a choice  between fat, and 'low-fat' (which is ALWAYS sugar) choose fat. Fat can be burned, and doesn't affect blood sugar in the same way or contain chemicals.

5 Chemicals make you sick - the chemicals in our food and personal care products make us sick. From allergies to cancer things like shampoos, deodorants  spray tans, low fat foods, artificial sweeteners
  processed bleached flour - all make you sick!!! She suggested an app called Chemical Maze (which I'm yet to try) She then made her point by showing the artery of a smoker. It was in a state of severe arteriosclerosis  (hardening of the arteries and blocked arteries) - caused by smoking, and the chemicals in cigarettes.

6. PH and Oxidisation - These things I have spent a long time researching. I could go on about them      forever.

The body cannot work efficiently in an acid state, acidic foods create an excess of acid not only in the stomach and the entire digestive tract, but right down to a cellular level in the body. A body in an acidic state cannot fight illness, and people in an acidic state will more than likely be sick.

To change your body's state from acidic, you must ingest Alkaline foods - green juices, wheatgrass, spurilina,  vital greens, green vegies, fruits and vegetables the colors of the rainbow! The body's optimal level of function is a PH level of 7.36-7.46, with one being the bloodstreams desired level, the other the digestive tract. Measuring PH is easy, test strips can be purchased from any health food store for around $20. 

Simply tear off a strip of the paper from a roll (it's about the size of a roll of correction tape) and place it on your tongue. Don't do so until an hour after eating. If you want to ensure a good result, urinate on a strip as well. Sometimes the food you've eaten that day may have been particularly acidic and can give you a different result. Ideally, you'd like saliva and urine to match - which means that your diet is not too acidic. 

Today, I had 2 cans of coke at work. I decided to do a PH test just now to see how I am faring after some really bad choices lately. I know I feel like shit, which is a good indicator my PH will be off. I usually sit pretty much spot on between 7.2 and 7.4. I took a picture to illustrate how different the results can be if a lot of acidic food is ingested. The top strip is saliva. It is a PH of 5.8 which is VERY acid..... the lower one is urine and it's 7.0. Still slightly acid, but nothing a big feed of fruit and veggies and a green juice won't fix!

I highly reccommend everyone test their PH, and learn as much as you can about PH levels and alkaline eating. A fantastic rule of thumb is the 80/20 way of eating. If 80% of your diet consists of nutrient rich, anti-oxidant rich, alkaline foods - the other 20% can be whatever you like!

That brings me to the second part of part 6 - Oxidisation. 

Oxidisation is a chemical process of corrosion that occurs when oxygen and moisture cause a substance to corrode. The most obvious example is metal. If you have metal that gets wet, and is exposed to oxygen, it rusts (corrodes). Now think of an apple. In it's peel, it's perfect, moist, juicy..... but encased. Cut the apple, expose the moist part to oxygen, and what happens? It goes brown, beginning to oxidise quickly. What happens to the apple if you dip the apple in lemon juice - it doesn't brown. Why? Because lemon juice is an anti-oxidant! Internal organs of our body need oxygenated blood to work efficiently, which provides them with the perfect environment to oxidise. Eating anti-oxidant rich foods prevents this.

So mixing alkaline foods, with anti-oxidant rich foods, is the key to good health!

I really enjoyed Lisa's presentation, and I am going to take a good look at her KISS club. As many of you know, I don't love the idea of weight loss plans after doing 12WBT. I believe a program should foster autonomy, and give you the skills to succeed on your own. From what I can tell, this plan will teach me to put myself first, fit myself into my life, train despite a heavy work/study schedule, and help me love myself just a little more.

That's it for me tonight.....  I need some sleep. 

Facing my fear

So it's been ages since I've blogged, and in part, it is because life is now so hectic! I've commenced full time study at uni, working toward a Bachelor of Science, majoring in Environmental Science. It's a lot of hours, a lot of reading and it's almost a full day to listen to all the lectures - but so far, I'm really loving it.

I'd been keeping pretty on track with my diet, and had still been training twice a week despite the crazy hours I've been putting into study and chasing the kids around to sports and clubs.

Monday week ago, I got home from town after netball training, saw a message on the phone - that threw me into a tailspin. It was with that phone call - I fell off the wagon, and I did it in style! It wasn't what most people would consider a 'bad' phone call, it was in fact someone offering me an interview for a job that I hadn't actually applied for! I had applied twice for positions in this organisation last year, with no success. It seems they liked me, and they held onto my resume, and thought I'd be a good candidate for this position.

The reason it thew me into a tailspin, is because I had a plan - I knew what I was going to do for the next couple of years and I liked the stability of knowing where I was going. I have been busting a gut at uni, and working hard with the knowledge that I'd be around for the kids whenever they needed me, and that I could always fit study around kids. So with this phone call - I didn't know..... I didn't know if I would actually get the job - I didn't even know if I wanted the bloody job!

By nature I am an ambitious person, but not in the way most people are - I don't crave money, possessions or prestige. My ambition is to be the best mother I can be to my children. I dream of raising 2 people who will make the world a better place with their actions and attitude. That takes work!! Hard work - they need to know they are always my first priority.

In my mind, I've seen every one of my working mother friends have to make a choice between work and family, even if it's only missing something at school to be at work, or occasionally sending a child to school a little sick because they have a meeting or a busy day. To me, putting work before children is something I don't ever want to do - and it is my biggest fear as a mother.  So suffice to say, being a student, always accessible to my children was a wonderful and safe option to me. We struggle financially, constantly, but my children do not want for anything - they like me don't crave possessions. So to sacrifice things, or more money to spend time at home, was never a sacrifice to me.

As a lot of my regular readers know, I have 2 kids, and one is sickly. She's never been well, and while being on the mend, she still gets sick more often than most then there are the surgeries and school holidays to consider. Who will look after my baby girl when she is sick - she has never had anyone else look after her when she's sick but me. Will she think I don't love her as much if I 'fob her off' when she's ill? Who will take her? Will she resent me not being here for her when she needs me? I have an incredibly strong bond with my daughter, she is my youngest, and we've barely spent a day apart her whole life. In fact, the only other job I've had since she was born, was at the kinder she attended! The thought of prioritising something above my kids - is my biggest worry.....

So immediately after I got this message, I broke out in hives..... big splotchy hives. Itchy, hot, big, splotchy hives! Obviously I was stressed - this threw my certain future of the next couple of years into disarray. I got sick, that day - and nothing that went into my mouth was good for me. I mean I did not consume one single thing for about the next 10 days that did my body any good. As we all know, if we eat shit food, we feel like shit, and it's cyclic..... feel like shit, eat more shit. I have only done a couple of sessions at the gym in a fortnight, and to be honest, only for the social aspect of seeing friends. I certainly didn't work hard, and any calories I burned, were replaced with whatever I ate in the car on the way home.

I got the job, and tomorrow is my first day - and it turns out that my baby girl is sick. She has a fever and has felt like crap all weekend. I doubt she'll be at school tomorrow. On my first day at a new job, my biggest fear is being realised - I am choosing to go to work and leave a sick child. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something! To put icing on the cake today, my 93 year old Nan, who is of ever declining health, had a little heart attack. She's in hospital, and they're not holding much hope that we will have her with us much longer. Going to work feels wrong when I have a sick child - a sick Nan...... and yet, I am still going......

The kids Dad has spent the last 11 years at the same job and fortunately has a lot of leave owing - he assures me the universe in fact isn't trying to kill me with stress, and that it's telling him he needs a day off with his daughter! His sister was kind enough to tell me today, she's only working 2 day weeks and would be happy to take the kids if they are sick.... so I am lucky to have them. So why does it hurt so much to go?

Anyway, long story short, yesterday it dawned on me, I have a job. It is a good job. The money is awesome and affords me opportunities that I don't have as a poor student single mother...... so I need to suck it up, leave the pity party and get my shit in order.

I am eating well again, which of course means I'm feeling better - and despite being petrified about this job, I'm going to face my fears, walk into the building, looking confident - head held high, and like my dear friend
Renée always says -  I'm gonna fake it till I make it!!!

Unexpected benefits of 12WBT!

Many of my readers know I did the 12WBT last year, and frankly, it just wasn't my thing. I did get some really good things out of it though - firstly my mindset to weight loss changed. I can honestly say, I threw away all my excuses. If I do the wrong thing now, I am fully accountable. That is huge for me.

I also realised that a plan that does the thinking for you takes away your power - it makes your weight loss dependent on other people. WELL OF COURSE!!! How would they make money if we could all do it ourselves - so the programs don't foster autonomy, they tell you what to think, but don't really teach you how to think.  So the next really good thing I got, was autonomy. I realised about 2 weeks into the round that it would be my only one - and I was gettin' my money's worth. I learned what I could - and expanded on it. I got control of my own weight loss.

I changed my mindset from 'weight loss' to wellness. Quite frankly, I don't give a flying f%&k about my weight anymore. I want to be well, fit, healthy and strong. Numbers mean nothing to me. I want to nourish my body, feel energised, happy and loved.

The most amazing thing that came out of 12WBT for me is Renée. I didn't go into 12WBT expecting to find a best friend, but I did. I am grateful every day that I did meet her though. She is beautiful, smart, funny, a bit of a dork (we Star Wars quote all the time), an amazing Mum and wife, and a very strong and awesome woman. She has lost over 55kg which is just unbelievable to me..... that is the weight of my friend B!!!! Renée and I both had such similar upbringings, and we both grew up with the same self esteem issues. There have been periods in our lives we have both been burdened by depression, anxiety and shame. We both chose food as our primary drug of choice to help us deal with stressors in our life.

We often joke about how similar we are, we really are like two sides of the same coin. We communicate almost every day, sometimes many, many, many times a day - and if we don't it's so weird - that we have to before bed! I can honestly say, I've loved very few people as much as I do her - she is family. She inspires me, she makes me laugh, she supports me when I'm low, and she picks me up - helps me dust myself off and get back to it. When I'm upset, sometimes just a text from her is all I need to smile.  I love her, and I'm so glad I did 12WBT or I would never have met her.

Well, actually - I have never actually met her!! You see, she lives in another state. So we spend lots of time on the computer, phones texting etc.... but we have not been face to face yet! In April, we are travelling to Melbourne, to meet. We are staying with my brother, seeing a comedy show and we are going t have an awesome time. I am so excited!!!!

We have both been struggling a bit of late, we have both really gone off the rails with our nutrition, and training. She has put on some weight, and it is really, really getting her down. It's really upset me - I can't just see her to give her a hug like you're supposed to - we can't just go out for a coffee or a drink to talk about it. It's kinda a pain.

We have decided to embark on a 3 day detox, followed by a really amazing, yummy healthy meal plan that will have us feeling ourselves in no time. We have made a commitment to each other to follow the plan, work out 5/6 days a week, and to support each other. I feel so blessed to have her in my life, and to have her supporting me on my journey to wellness.

I just hope that she knows she can always lean on me, because we all need somebody to lean on...... yep, sounds to me like we need some old school 80's!!

Guilt Free Honey Joys!

These are basically the ingredients I used for my honey joys. It isn't at all difficult to make them. For me, it was just a matter of getting better quality cornflakes, with less sodium and sugar, replacing the cup of icing sugar with a better quality sweetener, and replacing the butter with a better quality oil. With most of my recipes, I try to incorporate a superfood - just because you can never have too many..... so I picked white chia for this one.

This recipe is nut free/gluten free/wheat free/ dairy free. 

Melt in a saucepan

100g coconut oil
1/4 cup honey
2 Tbsp Stevia

2 Tbsp Rapadura Sugar (or organic raw sugar if you have it) 

1 egg - which is used to emulsify the ingredients. If you don't use egg, add another 2 Tbsp coconut oil

once melted add 2 Tbsp white chia seeds.


Add too 3 cups of Corn Flakes - I use freedom foods low sugar/sodium corn flakes and mix well.

Place mix into 24 patty pans, and put in moderate oven for 15 mins.

The kids won't even know these are a healthy alternative! They taste just like the real thing, but with a fraction of the refined sugar, salt, animal fats.

Enjoy xx




NB. I would like to state that I no way commercially endorse any of these product. This blog is not a sponsored blog - I use these products because at the time of publishing, they are the best I can source in a small country town!

Puffed Chocolate Slice

My son started at school yesterday - and my daughter doesn't go back till Monday. We have had a kitchen date planned for weeks,  her and I - alone, no boys ............. just some cooking.

Yesterday at the wholefoods we got some puffed rice. They have only rice. No sodium or sugar, no sulphates - just rice. We were looking for something to make with them, so we decided to make a slice.

In a saucepan combine -

100g Coconut oil
100g Cohpa (which is also a coconut oil - but is hydrogenated and has soy lecithin ---- but is much cheaper)
4 tablespoons Honey
2 tablespoons Stevia (or  1/4 cup organic RAW sugar)
1 egg white

The coconut oil has a very low melt point - much lower than the honey/sweetner -  it will not mix with the other ingredients. The egg white will emulsify all the ingredients when whisked together.

In a bowl combine

2 1/2 cups puffed rice
4 Tbsp Cocoa or Raw cacao
1 cup dried cranberries (or any dried fruit)
1/4 cup peppitas
3 tbs chia seeds
1/4 cup shredded coconut

Once the ingredients in the saucepan are melted and combined, (they will thicken like a gravy) add them to the dry ingredients and press them into a tray that has been lined with non stick paper. Place in fridge to solidify

Melt 50g carob (or chocolate if you prefer) and melt in the microwave. Place melted chocolate into a snap - lock bag, and cut off the tip. Pipe over the slice. Add nuts and seeds on top if desired.



We made this recipe today (making it up as we went along) and were so happy with the final result. It made around 24 serves - and looks like it'll be a lunchbox fave!

xx

Healthy Eggplant Parmigiana

Eggplant Parma with Cauliflower mash and green beans. 

I always hated eggplant. My friend Bek, made a great eggplant parma for Mr C.K one day, which I tasted and fell in love. Me being me, I had to try to put a healthy spin on a breaded deep fried classic - this is what I came up with. Ingredients (to make 4)

1 Eggplant cut into inch thick slices

1/4 cup rolled quinoa

1/4 cup rolled oats

1/4 cup wholemeal breadcrumbs

4 stalks parsley

50 grams silken tofu or 50 grams feta chese 

Small bunch basil leaves (reserve 1/2 for sauce)

Tablespoon Natural Yoghurt

Clove of Garlic

1/2 red onion

1 tin diced tomatoes

60g reduced fat cheese shredded

60g Parmesan cheese  shredded 

Put quinoa, oats, breadcrumbs, parsley and 2tbs parmesan into blender and blend till fine. 

Mix tofu and Yoghurt until smooth then coat one side of the eggplant with tofu mix (about 5mm thick) then layer basil leaves over tofu mix. Then lightly coat entire eggplant slice with tofu and yoghurt mix. (alternitevely use egg as a binding agent instead of tofu and yoghurt)

Press into crumb mix.

Heat rice bran oil in pan, and cook eggplant in oil until brown. Then put on cooling rack in a baking tray to cook in oven at 180 for 15 minutes. 

Dice onion, garlic and reserved basil and fry gently until onion becomes translucent, add tinned tomatoes and simmer. 

Remove eggplant schnitzel from oven, top with napoli sauce and cheeses and return to oven until cheese is brown. Serve while cheese is bubbling and hot......

Recipes

So I put it out there today - do people want me to share some of my experimental cooking with them. I love using different ingredients to see if I can healthify some of the classic dishes - or add extra nutrients in some way. Many of my friends responded really positively to the suggestion I share - so I shall do just that. I hope you guys enjoy them as much as we do!!

xx

Kid Presidant - Pep Talk

This morning I stumbled across a most gorgeous video on youtube, via my facebook account. It is in no way related to weight loss - it just made me really happy, and I'd like to share it! Enjoy. xx

Good friends and sunshine

After yesterday's upsetting realisation about my 'friend' - it didn't take me long to see that I don't need friends like that. I have real friends, friends who see the real me, and they love me for me - flaws and all.

Within minutes of reading my blog post, several wonderful friends messaged me to see if I was ok, to tell me that they see the real me, and that they like me! One friend made plans with me for a walk and some coffee in the sun. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, as her youngest child started at high school today - a wonderful experience, but one that also breaks a Mum's heart just a little, as it's another reminder about how fast our children grow up.  My eldest started today also, seeing him in his grown up (slightly repressed private school) uniform made me shed a tear - but only one.

So our lovely walk in the sunshine served us both well, it reminded me that I have many wonderful friends, who take time to make me feel valuable, loved and appreciated, and hopefully I took her mind off her ever-so-slightly broken heart.

We stopped for a coffee along the way so I could check out a rather cute barista while I enjoyed my coffee - and we both indulged with a sweet treat.  I would have felt guilt at eating that a while ago, and spent the rest of the day berating myself for being 'weak' and succumbing to temptation. Today I didn't. We enjoyed our sweet treat and coffee, and continued along on our walk. I ended up burning over 440 cals on the walk, nothing more than a gentle stroll with a good conversation.

On the way home, I wondered why I didn't feel guilty about the rather large vanilla slice I ate - six months ago, it would send me into a guilty tailspin. So why not today? Then it dawned on me - I don't get upset about food anymore. Then I realised why - I know I can eat the occasional bad thing, because nowdays, it is occasional. I have added in so many great things, that I don't need to feel guilty about the occasional blow out. The film Hungry For Change, changed my life - but it is this line in particular, that resonated with me.

So it seems I am quite easily pleased - it doesn't take much for me to go from upset, to happy. A vanilla slice, cute barista, good friends and sunshine!

Have a fab day, and enjoy the sun. xx

A fine line......

It's a fine line for me, between healthy, - and a crazy, insane, fat lady who wants to eat everything in sight.

Today, it dawned on me, a friend, who I thought was a really good friend - was in fact a user. We haven't known each other long, but during the short while we have known each other, I became very fond of her. I thought the feeling was mutual, as in our daily texts, she always ended with love you buddy...... until it stopped.

In hindsight, the relationship was always very one sided - lots of little favours, often. Some taking lots of time others not so much - but they were frequent, and always quite urgent. Then recently, for reasons totally unbeknownst to me, all contact ceased. Messages went ignored, or replied to very shortly and concisely. Someone else was appointed to do her bidding - and I was out.

The reasonable and logical part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't care - because a relationship like this isn't healthy for me - and there is more to me than the sum value of my favours. The emotional side of my brain feels used, hurt and so very upset - as this person meant a lot to me. The fact that she doesn't like me, and that she didn't see the real me hurts. I feel disposed of like a tissue, and I really thought our relationship meant more to her than that.

All this hurt, upset and crazy has resulted in me wanting to eat EVERYTHING!!! I want to drive to the store, buy food - dirty, greasy, sugary food - I want coke.... a bucket of it, sweet bubbly coke, to help me fix the pain in my heart - and I want CHOCOLATE....(not the amazing raw food type my friend B gave me - the dirty sugary kind). Food  has always fixed my big sore, upset, heart that is more fragile than people think.

I come across as a bright, happy confident person - I've been told I give of the illusion that I don't care what anyone thinks of me..... but I really do. Of course I care what people think of me - if everyone is truly honest, I'm sure they will admit the same. So for me, to have someone reject me, with no reason except they've used me up devastates me.

So here I sit, devastated, with a big weeping pain in my chest - all because someone doesn't like me. Pathetic maybe, but I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now. You see, I have taken a few minutes to sit with the pain, to analyse my emotions, and to 'live with it'. I haven't gotten into the car and driven to the shop, I haven't tried to find junk food in the house. I have put on a pot of my friend Tan's broccoli soup.

I am feeling the hurt, not eating it. There really is a fine line in my head between person working toward wellness and junk food binger.... but maybe the line is getting a little bit bigger the more I learn to analyse and control my own responses. I sure hope so.

xx

Pride

I had no intention of re-starting this blog. It was to be a useful tool to help me through 12WBT - and once I left that program, I wasn't going to need it anymore. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't thought about blogging for a really long time - and it was only because my lovely friend Renée had decided to start sharing herself again, to help deal with the emotional side of weight loss, I decided to do the same. 

When I started this blog last August, I didn't know Renée, we were both on the program, me doing my first (and only) round, her doing her fourth. We got to know each other very well during the round, and became very close friends, and each others biggest supporters. We made a pact not to continue with the program and to go it alone - together. We also decided that  this year, was to be the year we learned to love ourselves. She has taught me so much, one of the most important things being, that you don't love yourself just because you reach your goal. You have to learn to love yourself, either by dealing with the crap from your past, or learning to live with it. So together, we are dealing with our emotional shit - and we are going to learn not only to stop hating ourselves, but we are going to learn to love ourselves!!! So thanks for inspiring me to start this again Renée - I am feeling better already!!

Another reason I really want to blog again, is because I have had many friends tell me I have inspired them. I can't tell you the amount of people who have told me that my transformation from lazy couch potato to gym junkie, has inspired them to start on their own journey toward good health. So if by blogging about my struggles, my accomplishments, my goals, hopes, fears, dreams and overall journey helps just 1 person - it is worthwhile to me. I am one of those people that once I discover *the secret* want to share it with the world - so they all know about it. I want to share this with my friends, so they can feel as amazing as I do!

So I guess I'd really like to start - back at the beginning of this blog. As a reminder of the old me I decided to read my first ever blog post, which I haven't looked at since I wrote it. I then spent 5 minutes in tears..... really sobbing - letting go of the emotions I felt when I wrote it - the ones I tried to suppress with chocolate, chips and coke. I'd like to share it again - because part of my moving forward and loving myself, is to acknowledge how far I've come - without getting overwhelmed with how far I have to go. 

So here is my very first blog post - a reminder of where I've come from.......

WEDNESDAY, 1 AUGUST 2012

New Beginnings

I am new to the world of blogging, in fact this is my first ever blog post.

Writing this blog is difficult for me, in order to begin typing I have eaten half a bag of chips, some chocolate all washed down with a coke. I am terrified of the road ahead, and the thought of blogging about my life, my insecurities, my weight and my emotions frightens me, and inevitably drives me to eat.

Anthony Robbins (the American life coach and Author) states that change only happens when you will not tolerate things staying the same. There are so many things in my life that I can't live with any more - things that can't stay the same. I am obese, I am unfit, I am sick, I am constantly tired, I am not the best mother I can be, I am full of self hatred, and worst of all - I lack passion for my life. These things must change! I can no longer participate in a life, where I lay on my couch in a messy house feeling too tired and much too sick to do anything else.

Yesterday I signed up to participate in a program to help me regain my health, it is a program that will teach me about all aspects of health. I will expand on my knowledge about nutrition, and it will teach me about exercise and mindset. I tend to eat my emotions rather than feel them. My biggest hope is that the program will help me learn to feel my emotions, removing my desire to eat crap food to suppress them. I don't exercise - I hate exercise. I have had limited successes in the past with exercising, I lose weight, feel better, then I fall of the wagon, hate myself and eat the weight back on.

I also make excuses. I'm too tired, I lack motivation, I don't have time (my favourite - considering the amount of time I spend lying on the couch), the kids need me, it hurts too much, my fibromyalgia is flaring, I deserve a treat, I can't afford the gym, it's easier not to......... it never stops - and I'm full of shit! When I think about how lazy I am I despise myself - why would anyone like who I've let myself become?

The first pre-season challenge on the programme is to list my excuses - and then write a solution for my excuse. It isn't an easy task, if I analyse and admit that the things that have been holding me back are excuses, not reasons - then I will have no reason not to succeed. I have become a master of self-sabotage over the years, with every step forward, I take two giant leaps back. This will require thought......

In the next 16 weeks, (12 week challenge and 4 week pre-season) I hope to find myself. A better version of myself, a happier, healthier, fitter, skinnier, sexier version of myself. I will do my best to follow the program, and to not sabotage myself - because I will not tolerate continuing a life without passion!


So that was it...... my very first post.

It was written by another person - not me, not the me now anyway. I spent a lot more of my life feeling like her, the old me -but I don't anymore!!! The me I am now is new, and evolving - and I'm discovering me still. But I'm learning to like me. I like that I don't have a couch constantly attached to my arse anymore. I like that even on my worst day now - I still don't feel the chronic, overwhelming lethargy I felt every day when I was 'her'........ I don't wake up tired anymore. My house while still not perfect, is far cleaner and more organised. I'm really starting to get on top of my garden. I don't want to watch movies all weekend - I want to 'do something' - sometimes I go for bush-walks, or walks on the beach with my kids, yesterday we played cricket, went for a drive, made a new chook-house. The old me would NEVER have done that on a public holiday - I would have watched movies from my couch - feeling guilty because I was too lazy to do anything with my kids, tiredly dragging my arse to bed and hating myself for being such a poor excuse for a mother and human being. 

Thank God I am not that person anymore. I have no time for her. She always had an excuse for why she was the way she was. She was fat because of her relationship with her parents, or because she was the 'black sheep' of the family - or because her marriage fell apart, or because she was sick with fibromyalgia. 

The reality of the situation is that I was fat because I made excuses - took no accountability for myself, and ate a terrible diet that starved my body of nutrients. I ate when I was upset, I ate when I was happy - I ate products, not food. Chips, chocolate, coke, dry bikkies, cheese and kabana, lollies, lots of deep fried goodies, slabs of meat, and not very many veggies, fruits, seeds, nuts or juices. The new me was born on the day I decided to throw away all my excuses, stopped denying that what I was eating was killing me - and decided to become proactive about my health!

I still make lots of naughty nutritional choices, but because I've made so many good ones, my body is strong. Resilient. Happy. Healthy.

Today, my pride comes from achieving a goal. Today I ran 5.4km in 42:59! It is not a great time, it is not a fast time, but it is my time. It is my first time. I have dreamed for years being able to run that course, jealous of all the fit bodied people who I've watched run it over the years.

I ran it slowly, and took very few recoveries, none over 30 seconds of walking. I managed to keep my heart rate down for most of it, and kept my breathing fairly steady. That being said, a couple of times, I did push myself into the 190's and I almost vomited.... but it's part of learning to run! I only burned 516 in the 42 minutes which isn't huge for me, but it showed me that I did a good job of trying to regulate my speed/breathing/heartrate for the entire run.

I am really proud of myself, and my time - because even though it isn't quick - it's a long way from the morbidly obese, tired, depressed person who laid on the couch and didn't live her life.

Another proud moment is tied into my run. My size 16 pants (and undies) kept falling down as I ran.... I had to constantly hitch them up as I ran. Embarrassing - Yes! Awkward - Yes! Awesome - Hell Yeah!!! Last August, when I wrote that post, I wore size 22 clothing. After my run, I went and bought size 14 training pants, and size 12-14 underwear, AND IT FIT!

I honestly can't describe the feeling of achieving 2 goals that I've dreamed of for so long in one day. My goal weight used to be 'whenever I fit into a size 14' and my fitness goal was to be able to run 5km without dying.

So it's time to make some new goals - tough ones, that make me feel this bloody proud when I achieve them!!!! Pride is a much better feeling than self-loathing!