A fine line......

It's a fine line for me, between healthy, - and a crazy, insane, fat lady who wants to eat everything in sight.

Today, it dawned on me, a friend, who I thought was a really good friend - was in fact a user. We haven't known each other long, but during the short while we have known each other, I became very fond of her. I thought the feeling was mutual, as in our daily texts, she always ended with love you buddy...... until it stopped.

In hindsight, the relationship was always very one sided - lots of little favours, often. Some taking lots of time others not so much - but they were frequent, and always quite urgent. Then recently, for reasons totally unbeknownst to me, all contact ceased. Messages went ignored, or replied to very shortly and concisely. Someone else was appointed to do her bidding - and I was out.

The reasonable and logical part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't care - because a relationship like this isn't healthy for me - and there is more to me than the sum value of my favours. The emotional side of my brain feels used, hurt and so very upset - as this person meant a lot to me. The fact that she doesn't like me, and that she didn't see the real me hurts. I feel disposed of like a tissue, and I really thought our relationship meant more to her than that.

All this hurt, upset and crazy has resulted in me wanting to eat EVERYTHING!!! I want to drive to the store, buy food - dirty, greasy, sugary food - I want coke.... a bucket of it, sweet bubbly coke, to help me fix the pain in my heart - and I want CHOCOLATE....(not the amazing raw food type my friend B gave me - the dirty sugary kind). Food  has always fixed my big sore, upset, heart that is more fragile than people think.

I come across as a bright, happy confident person - I've been told I give of the illusion that I don't care what anyone thinks of me..... but I really do. Of course I care what people think of me - if everyone is truly honest, I'm sure they will admit the same. So for me, to have someone reject me, with no reason except they've used me up devastates me.

So here I sit, devastated, with a big weeping pain in my chest - all because someone doesn't like me. Pathetic maybe, but I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now. You see, I have taken a few minutes to sit with the pain, to analyse my emotions, and to 'live with it'. I haven't gotten into the car and driven to the shop, I haven't tried to find junk food in the house. I have put on a pot of my friend Tan's broccoli soup.

I am feeling the hurt, not eating it. There really is a fine line in my head between person working toward wellness and junk food binger.... but maybe the line is getting a little bit bigger the more I learn to analyse and control my own responses. I sure hope so.

xx