Wednesday, 26 September 2012

A huge week.

This has been a massive week, it's been 7 days since Dad had his surgery, and he is having ups and downs. I am in Melbourne, and have been for a few days - which is a very tempting place. I have been pretty good, only having coffee and cake once - that is like a record for me! I've been stressed, and haven't really succumbed to a binge-fest, so I guess that is a little victory.

The building I'm staying with has a gym, and I worked out yesterday, but not today. I went Ice-skating for the first time ever - and I sucked!!!! It seemed to pick up the pain of every minor injury I have, and make them feel major. I've walked the usual million miles a day I walk in Melbourne, and I'm in so much pain. All in all, I'm having a really crappy run of things. It is really hard to cope watching someone you love not doing so well, especially when external factors are also making my fibromyalgia flare up. I am patting myself on the back for not binging... I'm celebrating the small wins at the moment, as I'm not having big ones. I had a gain this week, but I'm not entirely sure how much, as I was weighing in on different scales, I'll have to see how i go next week when I'm weighing in at home.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

What a week!!

I have had a great week, with a small loss of 100grams and lots of good calorie burns. This week on the program, we do a mini milestone, we retake the fitness test, and take our measurements. I am stoked with the results. In 3 weeks and 3 days, I managed to lose 52cm from my body!!!! I also took 1.40 off my 1km running time, and have improved in every test!

I'm pushing myself in the gym in ways I honestly never thought was possible, and today, my trainer was using ME as a selling point to a new client from the gym. She was sprouting off my losses in centimetres, and I heard her tell the client I was a 'hardcore machine'! Me, who wrote on my gym application that I loathed all exercise! Me, who claimed she couldn't do anything - she was talking about me! A hardcore machine!

Today I gave her lip (as I tend to do) and she challenged me to take a run up and down the street with a medicine ball held above my head - she knew I wouldn't resist the challenge..... after about 20 seconds, I really wanted to - but I didn't. When I got back I could see she was surprised that I'd made it, but she was proud. I also am starting to get so many compliments about how healthy I look and how great I look. That is pretty cool too!

Another really cool thing happened this week. This picture is from the Choices flooring ad. I love this ad, it is a woman who is happily dancing through her house to Fat Boy Slim and is caught by her handsome man, who then joins her in her dancing. I really like this ad, and I always wished that I was a happy person like her - I wanted her life, the beautiful house, (the nice floor-coverings) the hot man, and the passion for life that makes you dance through your house.

This week, I realised - I am dancing through life now - I caught myself dancing several times this week, and then thought - I might not have the hot fella, but I'm becoming like the lady from the Choices flooring ad! That is awesome!

Friday, 14 September 2012

SSS & kids nutrition

So today I did a SSS (Super Saturday Session {that burns 1000 cals}) - and it was the first time I did the actual workout from the  program. All I can say is HOLY HECK!!!! It took me a mammoth 2hours and 15mins to complete it, but I did! Part of the reason that I took so long to do the circuit 4 times, is that I had my family with me. We worked out together in the sun, the kids and Mr. CK and I - and it was great. I had to teach the kids how to do most of the exercises, but they did spectacularly!!

There were many times during the SSS that I nearly vomited, and many, many times that I wanted to stop - but I didn't, and that workout, as hard as it was, is possibly the thing I have done in my life that I am the most proud of. I was still so bloody sore from my rowing during the week, and I was quite buggered by the end of the warm up (5 mins of step ups) and really wanted to quit already. My awesome family were there to push me through and encourage me, and that kept me going. I wanted to quit, almost the whole time - the pain was killing me, and my heart rate was so high, all I wanted to do was vomit. But I did it, and I feel awesome!

I think training is like hitting ourselves in the head with a hammer - It feels so damn good when we stop. The difference is, with the hammer, we have a headache all day, with training, you just feel awesome all day!!!

I'm so proud of my family today - we worked our asses off, and we all did the best we could. We working out all the food stuff together, we are training together, we are using the knowledge we gain every day to empower ourselves as individuals and as a family. 

Yesterday, someone told me that I am 'so lucky you can get your kids to eat all the healthy food you eat'. To that I call Bullshit!!!!!!! I have children who eat what I eat because I offer them no choice. I am the adult, they are the children - it is my duty to make sure they are as healthy as they can be, and that starts with what they put in their mouths.

 I'll admit, I am one of those parents who let my children eat McDonalds, KFC and Pizza when they were younger, they were allowed Icy-poles, Lollies, Chips, White Bread and Sugar and Processed Foods. They ate basically the same crap diet that I was eating (minus the coke). The reason that they don't eat any of these things is because the more I educate myself on nutrition, and the more we learn about how to eat well, the less inclined I became to put crap into my body. If it doesn't go into my body, then why the hell would I let my children eat it?

Of course at times there is resistance from them, but they are intelligent people. When they ask for something that is rubbish, something that I won't eat and won't let them eat, I explain to them, like the intelligent people that they are, why they can't have it, and then I offer them a healthy alternative. My children won't go into a McDonalds or KFC with my blessing, they know if they do choose to go of their own volition (as they are getting into their teen/peer-pressure years) that they will be making a bad choice and I'll be disappointed.

Getting my kids onto a really healthy diet, has been a huge amount of work, and I'm quite offended by the notion that it's LUCK that has my kids eating well. It is my hard work and their own intelligence and willpower that has them eating so well. 

I am blessed that now, they are taking the same approach with fitness that they take with nutrition. They have soccer once a week, they accompany me to the gym at least once a week, and SSS is mandatory. The thing that really fills my heart with joy, is that they absolutely slogged their guts out during the session, not because they had to, but because they wanted to. I'm a proud Mum right now!


"I believe that many of the ills and problems which beset modern society can be linked to the processed, mass-produced food we eat. We have to keep asking: What is in the food we buy, how has it been grown, and which pesticides have been sprayed onto it?" - Peter Cundall

I just opened my Gardening Australia Magazine to this quote by GA's former host, he is a personal hero of mine because of his philosophies on food production, as is the new host Costa.  These men display such a passion for gardening and they empower people to grow their own food. I love learning from these men.

Growing my own food is one of the simple joys in my life - and it is making me healthier day by day.
That makes me happy!

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Sunshine and happy days

So this rather awful 'selfie' is to show off one of my exciting new items of the day. My lovely friend had this gorgeous top on one of the facebook Buy, Swap & Sell sites. It is a size 14, so I bought it with the hope of fitting into it by the end of the round. IT FITS ME NOW!!!!!! I'll be honest, if it fits me now, it's a very, very generous size 14, but that is what the tag says, and my friend who sold it to me is quite a bit smaller up top so it must have hung off her - all the same, I'm excited. Add to my excitement, the jeans in the pic, which are quite tight - size 16's that I've never fitted into. In January, I was a size 22, and weighed in at 114.9 - when I signed up for 12WBT, I was a size 20 and weighed 107.9. To fit into clothes with 16 & 14 on he label is awesome!!! I've only got 1.8 to get under 100. I haven't been under 100kg since the birth of my daughter Miss J 10 1/2 years ago!

I went for a job interview in my casual attire today - and got the job. It is a cleaning job at a local accommodation place that sleeps up to 120 people. Several years ago, I used to clean offices for a part time job. I am a big believer in moving forward, and I always said I wouldn't go back to cleaning or food service jobs again.

 Then a friend put it into perspective for me -
1. You want to go to Sydney
2. You don't get paid to clean at home!
3. Someone actually wants to pay you to clean for them
4. They want to pay you to burn calories

So ok, this all makes perfect sense to me - and to be honest, I'm not in any way a job snob, but I've worked really hard in the last few years with my study, and I want to feel like I am moving forward with my life, not going back to where I was years ago. However, the job and money suit me well, the people are really nice and totally cool with my need for flexibility because of my study/kids/life. 
If I want to change my field of study to holistic medicine next year (which I'm seriously considering) I will need some serious job flexibility and I think I'll have it here. I also liked the couple who run the place very much, and feel that they could really use a break, they are so tired from running the place 24/7 for many years - them having me will lighten the load. 
I also got an update on my Great-Uncle, he is lucid, his memory is good, and he's got sensation in the fingers on both sides.... He still can't move his hand or arm on the paralysed side, but the doctors say the feeling is very promising. 

So all in all, today is a great day - my clothes fit, I got a job, and my Uncle is doing better. 
Life is just so much better on the days you wake up to a warm sun!



My trainer took this photo of me on the rowing machine. She wanted to be able to see the look on my face. Now I know why. That is what determination looks like. Who would have thought, that I would look like that in a gym!

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Major setback

Tuesday, I was so proud of myself, I'd kicked some ass at the gym, come home and done a great yoga session with Miss J and felt fantastic.

When I weighed in yesterday, after WWW (wake, wee, weigh) I had lost 1.2, I was stoked - and I know that ass kicking workout, made the difference in my numbers. Then it was time to get the kids up for school - Master D had been up several times through the night with gastro. His temp was way up... I hate it when he's sick, it doesn't happen often, but it hits HARD and he's very clingy.

I got a phone call from my mother, my great-uncle, had a major stroke, and is now totally paralysed down one side, and Dad's surgery is next week. Nanna (great uncle's twin) is a complete mess, and I'll need to help out with her while Dad's in Melbourne. Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!

I had my Nanna live with me for a year a couple of years back, and it was hard. We had to renovate the house, right down to things like taps (her hands don't work well) and the shower (she couldn't shower herself and we had staff in to do that) and moving furniture to accommodate her walking frame. Looking after her, is a huge amount of work. She had her first heart attack at 50, and has spent the last 42 years declining in health every day. Her quality of life, is crap, and it is very hard to watch someone deteriorate, but continue to make the same lifestyle choices that got them there in the first place.  Her twin brother, is the polar opposite, until only 2 weeks ago, he was waking up, walking 5km to get the paper, grabbing a latte 'down the street' and reading his paper, walking back home. Red wine with dinner, still had his licence, still lived alone and was the picture of good health. He  is who I aspire to be like when I am older, his good health and positive attitude to life, something I hope to emulate. I haven't spent the hugest amount of time with him, but he's my favourite great uncle, and he's an extraordinary man - who I love and respect very much.

A couple of weeks ago, he had a turn, and was told he can't live alone. He was put into nursing care. Tuesday night, he had a major stroke. A stroke has taken out his mother and several siblings, and I'm quite sure it will be the end of my Uncle too. I fear for how my Nanna will cope with the loss, and fear that may be more than she can bear.

My Dad, has been fighting cancer for a few months, and we've been waiting for his surgery date, it's next week, which is good news, but I can't be there with him. I need to be looking after Nanna. Mum will be with Dad, so that is ok, but I wanted to be there too.

So all this news yesterday, while I was looking after my sick boy, was more than I could handle. I hit the chocolate, then for dinner, fish and chips. I think I ate around 2000 calories in junky shit food. I can't believe that at the first sign of trouble I will revert to these patterns. I felt like crap, and completely useless and worthless. What kind of stupid idiot can't see that food isn't going to fix anything. Eating shit food doesn't help me, eating shit food makes me feel like crap! Last night, I was oh-so-sorry for myself. I felt awful, I had pain flare ups, my fibromyalgia wanted to remind me why I shouldn't eat crap. So in addition to being upset, feeling bad for my family, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what was going to happen - I felt guilty, stupid, worthless and in pain.

The girls in one of the 12WBT support groups were there with wonderful words of support, and I want to thank them all for the good ju-ju, love and positive vibes they sent me. They all know what I'm going through, and many have used food as a crutch at times, so they knew what to say to make me feel less guilty, stupid and worthless - the pain.....fibro isn't as forgiving as friends are!

I stepped on the scales this morning to see what my sugar/salt binge has done, I followed weigh in procedure WWW - I'd put on 1 whole kilo. Gutted! I am hoping that it is some fluid retention because of all the salt I binged on. If it's not, I'm hoping it's lesson learned. I am really needing a good workout, and I'm hoping beating the crap out of the heavy bag might help me deal with some of the emotions.

I want to thank my friends, my online friends, and my 12WBT support friends. The messages, the love without judgement, has been invaluable. Thank-you. x

Tuesday, 11 September 2012


I can not believe I have buned 14000 calories in 16 days! No wonder I'm feeling awesome! I'm actually proud of myself too - I like that feeling!

Monday, 10 September 2012


Learning to feel my emotions

So the other day, I had a bit of an epiphany moment (these are happening really quite frequently nowadays!) It was Sunday afternoon, the house looked like a bomb had gone off, I was doing a bit of a cook-up for the week ahead and trying to figure out how to modify the 12WBT recipes to make them allergy friendly.

Since finding out about Miss J's allergies, I have been very conscious that the house needs top to tail spring cleaning, de-cluttering and extreme organisation to help keep the allergens to a minimum. I have been doing bits from an online organising challenge, starting with hidden things like inside cupboards. I'm about 5 days behind on the daily tasks, and the house is NOT looking more organised, in fact, it looks like a bomb hit it. So put me in the middle of mess, trying to cook, feeling guilty about getting behind in my study, my housework, my washing - and the kids were in a happy-hyped up mood making lots of noise, and I was over it all!

Usually, I would go mental - I'd yell, and make everyone else feel miserable for not contributing to helping me look after the housework - but I didn't. I allowed myself to feel it - examine it, try to work out what I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, and I realised I've been feeling it all week. Spending all my spare time out doing fencing was great for the calorie burn, great to help me get some sun, it had me feeling awesome and full of light. Then I'd walk into my messy, neglected house, too tired to do anything, and I'd feel immediately burdened.

So on Sunday, while I'm trashing the kitchen trying to do a huge cook up, feeling overwhelmed with the enormous task ahead of cleaning the house and get on track with study the ex, Mr CK walks in. He can see I'm upset and asks why. I tell him I'm feeling totally overwhelmed with all I have to do, and don't know how I'm going to get it done. He does whatever he came into the house for, and leaves. I don't feel any better, until I see the kids wandering outside with a basket of washing to peg out. I go out to see what they are doing. Master D tells me, Dad said you were feeling overwhelmed, so he asked us to put on a load of washing and to peg these out to help you feel better. We want to help you.

It was in that moment, that I realise, that sometimes, asking for help doesn't make you weak - which is what I had believed my entire life, sometimes, it even allows the people we love, the opportunity to help us.

The house still looks like a bomb has hit it, in fact, it's worse than it was before (because the kids have decided to de-clutter their rooms, and they have pulled everything out of everywhere - bomb city) but I am feeling slightly less overwhelmed by it all, because I know that I have help if I need to ask for it.

Sunday, 9 September 2012


This morning's blog post about the changes my family are making in our diet because of my daughter has gotten a lot of feedback through facebook. I've received messages from people I didn't know read my blog, and they have been overwhelmingly supportive. I'm feeling humbled by some of the wonderful things that they have said, but feel it's a little unwarranted - as I am sure most of them would do the same for their children.

I just wanted to say, all I'm doing is focussing on the solution - Love. I love my family, more than anything on earth, and I am learning day by day, to love myself. Changing our diet, exercising together and our daily yoga practice (which are far more challenging than I'd have expected and I'm feeling some serious DOMS today) aren't really sacrifices for me - because I know that all these changes will benefit the people I love - including myself.  Sometimes in life, we need to stop looking at the hardships in our life, stop looking at the traumas and dramas, and focus on the solution.  LOVE <3

A huge week!

So I had a huge week,  I lost 1.7kg, and ate clean all week, I burned over 9000 cals - manual fencing, plus lots of hills, will do that to  you!! The wind was terrible later in the week, so I didn't get to finish the fencing, but on the weekend - success. The fence is live....that should keep the bloody cattle in!

I also had more tests done on my beautiful daughter. After 11 years of medicine failing her, I decided on a holistic route. In a 2 hour consultation, that used some serious technological equipment for diagnosing and seeing the areas of sickness and inflammation in the body - I finally know not only what is wrong with her, but how to fix it. It will mean some pretty serious dietary changes, not only for her but for me as well, which means no (or limited) dairy, no wheat, no nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes, capsicum, chilli) no olives, oranges, bananas, chickpeas - the list goes on. It isn't a 'forever' thing, once our bodies are functioning, we can re-introduce these foods, in small amounts. To me, the extreme amount of hard work this will cause, and the feeling of deprivation on not eating my favourite 'wog girl' foods, is nothing if it manages to give my daughter good health after an entire lifetime of being sick.

On Saturday night, a friend took me to the cinema for a fundraising evening. She asked after Miss J.'s health as she always does. My friend doesn't believe in anything outside the status-quo, so I knew that she wasn't going to buy into the results of the tests. Now before I continue, I want to make it clear, the diagnostic machine is used in mainstream medicine in several countries throughout the world, but Australia just hasn't caught up - this isn't airy-fairy stuff. This is science. However to my friend it may has well been some archaic ritual performed by a medicine man - who then throws roots and herbs at her. After hearing her criticism's I changed the subject, as I didn't want it to ruin our evening.

Once we got to the fundraiser, there was champagne and nibbles. The basic soft cheese, dip, olives, cabana type platters. Being a vegetarian, the cabana was out, but then so were the olives, the soft cheese, and all but one of the dips. The biscuits had wheat, so I had a couple of corn chips, with the dip I was allowed. I had not long had dinner, and wasn't at all hungry, so I didn't mind. My friend then chose to make a production about how she would quite honestly rather die than to give up the foods that she loves. She said, she'd rather live a short life, with great food, than to live a long one being miserable and eating all the healthy crap I eat.

 That one floored me..... She is a very well educated woman, she's in great health, she's got a beautiful body, she's flexible (she can do a forward standing bend at 42 like a 6 year old does it) and she eats reasonably healthily, although she has a meat/pasta heavy diet. She is often tired, and she doesn't exercise. She is one of those lucky people that doesn't seem to put on weight - she maintains her figure no matter what she eats.

I on the other hand, have been very careful about food for over 2 years. With fibromyalgia, if you eat crap food, you feel it in every cell of your body. I actually think to some degree this makes me the lucky one. I am forced to eat good food, that is kind to my body. This doesn't mean I didn't succumb to cravings and eat the wrong thing, I just paid for it, so binges became more and more infrequent. A night at a friends with a bottle of wine and nibbles made me feel like shit, so I'd only have a glass, and then drink water all night. It has really made me accountable for what I put in my mouth. My friend, has never had to do that.

I was really disappointed that she would say she'd rather die than give up food she loves, and that 'a short happy life, is better than a long miserable one'. Both of our fathers are fighting cancer. Right Now. They are fighting hard, and it has affected her and I in a way that I can't explain, and that no-one can understand unless their Daddy is fighting against the 'Big C'. Both of our Dads have spent their whole lives eating and drinking whatever they liked, with absolutely no accountability. They haven't gotten pain from a big night on the piss the way I do (sometimes for a week or more in my case) they haven't had aches, pains and lethargy if they eat processed foods, their high sugar diet, was feeding their cancer, but they didn't have the pain to alert them to the disease in their body the way I do. I do believe I am the lucky one - my pain, keeps me accountable.

So changing our diets drastically, no big deal in this house - and doing it for my daughter, HELL YEAH!!!! Tonight's menu on 12WBT is for Lasagne, so I decided to follow the recipe using a meat alternative as it is Miss J's favourite food. So she's wheat free and can't have tomatoes. I will admit, it took some thinking about, but I made it work. She's having pumpkin based lasagne, gluten free pasta, with pumpkin soup in the sauce, with mushrooms, zucchinni, carrot, celery onion, garlic and herbs. It's good, it's clean, no crap - and best of all - delicious. I don't mind having to change our diets again, and play with 12WBT recipes if they contain a food we can't eat - because food, is just food. My family is my life.

I kept thinking about my friend's reaction to me choosing to support my daughter and eat only the food she can eat. Initially I was a bit mad, who is she to judge me, and to say that choosing a long, healthy life is not right - to say that food, is more important than health, and so say that food, is what equates to happiness. Then it hit me, I actually felt sorry for her. She is an amazing person, who I love very much, but she has crap going on in her life that really sucks. She isn't at times a happy person, and stress really affects her and gets to her. I think food is her comfort, and because she is so thin, and so healthy, she doesn't need to concern herself the way I do. I feel sorry that she puts so much importance on the food that goes into her mouth, as if not eating olives or salami will make her a different person to the person she has always been. The thing that makes me the most sad, is that she sees all the positive changes in me, but can't see, that the changes that have helped me, might help her too. It's not just about weight, it's about happiness.

So to me, the food - inconvenient as it may be to prepare, is no big deal. It is the people that I share my food with that matter to me. If tomatoes and olives, camembert and bikkies are off the menu, I shall enjoy veggies and rice with my children - hopefully for a really, really long time to come!

Monday, 3 September 2012

Busy Busy Busy = Big Calorie Burns!

So I guess my busy, busy, busy story begins on Saturday. My first SSS (Super Saturday Session) of the 12WBT program, I had pre-arranged to meet up with a friend Leash to do a mini-dune challenge. She's off to do Hell Hill in Cronulla, and we thought this would be a fun warm up for that - so we'd decided to hit the beach in beautiful Lakes. As always, I was very early, and I knew she'd be a little late, so the family and I decided to do the cardio circuit near the footbridge. Then we saw the most beautiful little group of dolphins swim right by us only a few metres away, the kids excitedly ran to the footbridge to watch them pass underneath, then to their surprise and delight, another group came right behind them - 7 in total! We also saw some beautiful signets with Mamma and Daddy Swan. Good things happen when you get up early to train!!!

Leash and I had a great session, and we burned over 1000 cals! Then it was home to begin fencing.
Not the cool fencing that has swords and masks - the kind with post hole diggers, insulators and running wires through paddocks.

 Now despite living on a farm for 7 years, I'm relatively new to farm work, as until now, it's not really interested me, and the old lazy me was content to watch others do it. The new me decided she's up to learn something new, and to challenge herself with a big task. I decided to try to burn over 1000 cals a day fencing to see if I could!  I'm really pleased to say that this morning is my 4th consecutive day of fencing, and I've burned over 2000 each day so far, and in the first hour of work this morning, I'm up to 490 cals - this puts me on track for a big burn today. I've never worked so hard in my life, and I'm exhausted when my head hits the pillow at night, but I'm feeling an enormous sense of satisfaction at seeing the results of my labour.

I've been eating clean all week for my first week, and am proud of that, I must admit, because I'm so busy, I'm not finding time to get emotional and bored and eat for no good reason, so this being outdoors, working my ass off busy, kind of agrees with me. This morning, I did a bit of a cheeky, and weighed myself, expecting a big burn..... to see I've ONLY lost a kilo since last weigh in. I have to admit, I was GUTTED!!!!!! All that hard work for 1 stinky measly kilo.....

Now I have to say, back in the days when I did watch The Biggest Loser, I used to get so frustrated seeing people who would get disappointed at any loss, because it was a loss, so why were they whinging??? But I felt it, I felt such disappointment that my hard work hadn't paid off. What's the point of all the had work, if you don't have the numbers come off??

So this morning, bright and early at 7.45am, after dropping the kids to the bus I hit the paddocks again, a little more discouraged than yesterday, off to dig some post holes (with a manual post hole digger which is very labour intensive - getting about 170-180 HR from me) and think. It's a beautiful day here in the sun, and I have t admit, I'm actually enjoying the manual labour.  While working I realised, that the old me, the one who died a couple of weeks back allowing the new me to be born, would never be standing in a paddock at 7.45am, alone with her thoughts and a post hole digger. She'd still be in her pyjamas, on her 4th coffee, watching the morning show and trying to study.

I never started this program to crunch numbers, to compete for a title of best transformation or to care about weight loss. I did it because I want to feel good, be strong, be fit, be healthy, kick fibromyalgia's ass, and set an example to my children about a better way to live than we have. So I say, screw the numbers, screw my 1kg....screw cheeky weigh in's. I don't give a shit about the numbers, I'm not in any competition with anyone. I'm here to get strong, I'm here to be healthy, and these 4 days of fencing might not show on the scales, but they are showing on my face.

Last night at the dinner table, I caught sight of something (reflected in the window behind my daughters head) I haven't seen since I was about 17 year old - my jawbone! I Wasn't doing a photo pose thing to get it to protrude, I wasn't even looking for it, it was just there. I even caught a glimpse of cheekbone, and my collarbone is on show alongside some shoulder/chest muscles. So I don't give a shit about the numbers - and I'm thinking about finding the rest of the jaw, collarbone, clavicle and muscles that are developing under the fat - because when the fat goes, those muscles will look awesome!

Best of all, despite feeling sore and tired, I FEEL AWESOME!!