Facing my fear

So it's been ages since I've blogged, and in part, it is because life is now so hectic! I've commenced full time study at uni, working toward a Bachelor of Science, majoring in Environmental Science. It's a lot of hours, a lot of reading and it's almost a full day to listen to all the lectures - but so far, I'm really loving it.

I'd been keeping pretty on track with my diet, and had still been training twice a week despite the crazy hours I've been putting into study and chasing the kids around to sports and clubs.

Monday week ago, I got home from town after netball training, saw a message on the phone - that threw me into a tailspin. It was with that phone call - I fell off the wagon, and I did it in style! It wasn't what most people would consider a 'bad' phone call, it was in fact someone offering me an interview for a job that I hadn't actually applied for! I had applied twice for positions in this organisation last year, with no success. It seems they liked me, and they held onto my resume, and thought I'd be a good candidate for this position.

The reason it thew me into a tailspin, is because I had a plan - I knew what I was going to do for the next couple of years and I liked the stability of knowing where I was going. I have been busting a gut at uni, and working hard with the knowledge that I'd be around for the kids whenever they needed me, and that I could always fit study around kids. So with this phone call - I didn't know..... I didn't know if I would actually get the job - I didn't even know if I wanted the bloody job!

By nature I am an ambitious person, but not in the way most people are - I don't crave money, possessions or prestige. My ambition is to be the best mother I can be to my children. I dream of raising 2 people who will make the world a better place with their actions and attitude. That takes work!! Hard work - they need to know they are always my first priority.

In my mind, I've seen every one of my working mother friends have to make a choice between work and family, even if it's only missing something at school to be at work, or occasionally sending a child to school a little sick because they have a meeting or a busy day. To me, putting work before children is something I don't ever want to do - and it is my biggest fear as a mother.  So suffice to say, being a student, always accessible to my children was a wonderful and safe option to me. We struggle financially, constantly, but my children do not want for anything - they like me don't crave possessions. So to sacrifice things, or more money to spend time at home, was never a sacrifice to me.

As a lot of my regular readers know, I have 2 kids, and one is sickly. She's never been well, and while being on the mend, she still gets sick more often than most then there are the surgeries and school holidays to consider. Who will look after my baby girl when she is sick - she has never had anyone else look after her when she's sick but me. Will she think I don't love her as much if I 'fob her off' when she's ill? Who will take her? Will she resent me not being here for her when she needs me? I have an incredibly strong bond with my daughter, she is my youngest, and we've barely spent a day apart her whole life. In fact, the only other job I've had since she was born, was at the kinder she attended! The thought of prioritising something above my kids - is my biggest worry.....

So immediately after I got this message, I broke out in hives..... big splotchy hives. Itchy, hot, big, splotchy hives! Obviously I was stressed - this threw my certain future of the next couple of years into disarray. I got sick, that day - and nothing that went into my mouth was good for me. I mean I did not consume one single thing for about the next 10 days that did my body any good. As we all know, if we eat shit food, we feel like shit, and it's cyclic..... feel like shit, eat more shit. I have only done a couple of sessions at the gym in a fortnight, and to be honest, only for the social aspect of seeing friends. I certainly didn't work hard, and any calories I burned, were replaced with whatever I ate in the car on the way home.

I got the job, and tomorrow is my first day - and it turns out that my baby girl is sick. She has a fever and has felt like crap all weekend. I doubt she'll be at school tomorrow. On my first day at a new job, my biggest fear is being realised - I am choosing to go to work and leave a sick child. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something! To put icing on the cake today, my 93 year old Nan, who is of ever declining health, had a little heart attack. She's in hospital, and they're not holding much hope that we will have her with us much longer. Going to work feels wrong when I have a sick child - a sick Nan...... and yet, I am still going......

The kids Dad has spent the last 11 years at the same job and fortunately has a lot of leave owing - he assures me the universe in fact isn't trying to kill me with stress, and that it's telling him he needs a day off with his daughter! His sister was kind enough to tell me today, she's only working 2 day weeks and would be happy to take the kids if they are sick.... so I am lucky to have them. So why does it hurt so much to go?

Anyway, long story short, yesterday it dawned on me, I have a job. It is a good job. The money is awesome and affords me opportunities that I don't have as a poor student single mother...... so I need to suck it up, leave the pity party and get my shit in order.

I am eating well again, which of course means I'm feeling better - and despite being petrified about this job, I'm going to face my fears, walk into the building, looking confident - head held high, and like my dear friend
Renée always says -  I'm gonna fake it till I make it!!!