I do feel lucky to have my job, lets face it, in a town like mine, to work in a job like mine, for the money I earn, it's as good as it gets. But getting up for work each day is a chore - I drag my sorry tired ass out of bed, fall asleep in the shower, try to make myself look presentable, drink at least 2-4 coffees and drag myself into the office.
Now working in an organisation with over 400 people is hard - you need to very quickly learn the organisational structure, who does what, who to direct enquiries to, how to operate new computer systems, half the time, I feel like I'm drowning! The other staff in my department have been wonderful, helping me out and teaching me things on the run, and I'll forever be grateful that these women are working so hard to make my life at work a little easier.
As most of you know, my children are 11 and 12, and for the first time in my life, I have had to leave them with other people for school holidays. Every day on the way to work for the last fortnight, I've done so with tears streaming down my face, feeling like a failure of a mother. The thing about being a full time student is, you're always available to your children when they need you - but being at work, you can't. Things slip, balls drop.
I constantly feel like I'm doing a shit job, shit job learning at work, shit job at Uni, shit job with keeping up with my house/garden, shit at being a friend. The more I feel like shit, the more I try to comfort myself. At work it's sugar, lunchtime it's meat, fried foods, more sugar and cigarettes, then I come home - way too tired to cook and eat more shit food, drink beer and smoke some more cigarettes! I'm too tired to study, and have fallen asleep with a book on my face more times than I can mention - and I've only set foot in the gym twice in a month.
I honestly feel like I haven't learned anything in this past year - the weight is coming back on, and I'm feeling every bit like the person I was a year ago. The fat lazy bitch living her life on the couch, the woman I fucking hated. I began this year at 100.0 kg, and I swore black and blue I would NEVER allow myself to get back there, I was doing so well, I'd almost hit the 80's for the first time in 15 years! This morning I weighed in at 99.9kg. I'm gutted.
The new me, the one I've spent a year becoming, she'd be working on a plan, a juice fast, a diet plan - she'd get off her ass, get off her bed, close the computer and she'd just fuking do it..... but she's not here. The old me, she's here, she's tired and she doesnt want to do anything. I hear the new me in my head, screaming at me to do something - but I'm so tired.
Add to all my poor me woes, my Dad isn't doing very well and my Nan is very sick. I know it's really hard for my Mum to cope with it all, and I'm so busy with working and the kids and the house and study and feeling like crap, that I'm not able to help her out. That fills me with even more guilt. More guilt means more reason to shove shit in my mouth. More shit in my mouth makes me feel more shit........ I really don't know where to go from here.
I guess it's just one day at at time, right?
Marney, you are amazing, you are a wonderful caring person who is doing it tough. I know we say, NO EXCUSES but you aren't making excuses, you are telling it like it is in your ever so lovely honest way. Your story today is like reading my own words, I can only do what I can do, one day at a time. You will find your way back, just like you did before, don't beat yourself up , write it down, look at THOSE pics, make a plan for a week or two away and prepare yourself. Thats what I did to give up smoking and now I am working on my weight. "Just Fucking do it" isn't always what you need to hear, take care of you, feel your hurt, your guilt, your self hatred and then, when you are ready to face it you will do it with gusto. Take care my friend, I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. We will have to catch up soon, maybe we can help each other. XXXX
ReplyDeleteMarney - that couldve been written about me too. You know what? It couldve be written about lots of us working mums. The guilt, exhaustion, stress and feeling of inadequacy and inefficiency are things they didnt warn us about when we had children.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong Marney. Really really strong and I am proud of you for putting "it" out there.
I am here for you always. Lean on those who love you, god knows we have all leant on you at times!!
In regards to the nutrition my advice would be to change one thing this week. You choose, but perhaps giving up the smokes or coke or choose one meal a day where you eat really good quality food. If changing everything all at once is overwhelming changing one decision at a time might work.
I love you. I think you are awesome. You have saved me countless times and I am here. xxx
You know I know, right!?
ReplyDeleteHow it feels to think everything you put your hand to is shit, everything in your wardrobe looks shit, who the hell can love you when you feel just so shit all the time...
A saying I love right now is "The only way out is through", you WILL get there but take it gently for you are your own bestie, and besties ALWAYS know the right thing to do in the end.
But let me just say, from the outside looking in, jobs ALWAYS take at least a months time to learn, prepare to stuff up because (shock, horror!) you are only human and that is what we humans do. You will not be fired or frowned upon, you will merely be expected to learn from it and do better next time (note: better is spelled COMPLETELY different to perfectly xx). Your children LOVE you and will NEVER feel abandoned while ever YOU are their mother because, as mothers go, you totally ROCK! You are giving them a chance to experience life a little more independently, which is PERFECT for kids their age, and it is not like you are leaving them with random strangers, are you?
You are so right my lovely...one day at a time..every moment will be a new one in which anything is possible...so be patient, your moment will arrive in due course. xxx