Sunday 14 July 2013

A big bag of crazy

Today I am a big bag of crazy. My first thought when I woke was 12WBT. I decided I was going to weigh myself officially for pre season launch - so I did the usual wake, wee, weigh - and then spent the next 10 minutes sitting on the side of my bed, bawling like an idiot.  I then proceeded to watch the Welcome Video that was launched today on the site.... and began to yell at Mish like a crazy person when she said that 'we're all in this together - and we're a family'.

You see, the headspace I'm in, I'm pretty much alone - I have my kids of course and I have my bestie who I can spill all my feelings and crazy to - but aside from that, I'm pretty much alone.  In reality, we're all pretty much alone, lets face it, with all the junk we have going on in our lives, does anyone really have the time to care about my Nan dying, or me not getting my dream job, or me having all my shifts cut at work, or me having a fall causing me daily agony, or stressing about Dad's surgery.... of course not. They're all to busy worrying about their own stuff, kids, jobs, depression, craft, weight problems, marital problems..... we all have our stuff. So when my real family and friends don't really have time to worry about my trivial problems why would Mish. So it's apparent, I'm already in a shitty headspace going in. I'm not a moron, I know that ultimately 12WBT is a business, there to make money, but then I'm reminded by said bestie after about 3 insane messages this morning - yeah, it is a business, and she doesn't care about you personally - BUT THE PROGRAM WORKS.  She has lost over 50kg on the program, I have lost 12 on the program, we have seen people in the 30+ crew who have lost well over 50+ kilos. The program works. So I will lean on Mish, the program, the bestie and the 30+ team and the Warrior Women - I will do everything I can to support the other people going through the struggles I am, because perhaps their friends have stuff going on as well.... perhaps they need someone to lean on as well.

So the bestie 'Ms R' right. The program works - at the moment I don't. So I need to work on that. My mind is totally in the wrong spot. I had to go into town this morning, and I needed to grab a couple of things from the supermarket. I walked in the door and all I could see was the things I couldn't have - so now I know where my head is..... it's in deprivation mode. Whenever I'm in deprivation mode, I don't see wonderful wholesome nutritious foods in front of me, the foods that will heal my body and make me strong, fit and healthy. Shit no! I see the cheezles I can't eat, the lollies I can't consume, all the packages and boxes that I'm not allowed to eat out of convenience after a long day at work. I see the coke I'm not allowed to drink. That still breaks my heart. (side note - this morning, while I was in the shower I asked my baby girl Miss J to tip out the remnants of a bottle of coke and thought of you smiling Tan.) While I'm in deprivation mode, everything is harder. I don't focus on the can's but the can not's.

I remember for me last time I did 12WBT the changes I underwent in preseason. I am trusting the program - I am going to do all of the pre-season tasks, and I am going to try my hardest. I know I won't be perfect and that I'll slip up on the way, but I know I'm capable of being more than I am now.

Wish me luck this time round guys, I'll need it. To Ms R, the 30+ crew, and the warriors - I will try my hardest to be there for you to be a shoulder for you. I know it's hard when we have stuff going on in our lives, but I will do the best I can.

Now I'm off to check out the first pre-season task...........

M. xx

3 comments:

  1. I love your crazy xx
    Having given up smoking after 22 years..I hear you! Giving up the habit, no matter what form it comes in, is only a small amount about the flavour, chemicals etc, but mostly about the head game.
    It is addressing the emotional deficit that provokes the need for (insert addiction here!) Mine was about the time...time to stop and let my brain catch up, time for my thoughts, time to assess how I was feeling.
    My current weight battle comes from the the need to fill up the holes left from the lack of real affection...to feel genuinely cared for.
    Like you, I fully understand I am loved by my friends and many family who are not immediately available, but it is the inability to have quality time with them that creates the void. My home is shared with a person who does not get me. Who does not know how to love me the way I need to be loved and cannot comprehend when I try to communicate what I need.
    I am so proud of you for biting the bullet and taking these first steps. Every step more you take, I will be cheering you on and , should you falter, I will cheer you up, dust you off and get you moving again.
    Just because I do not live with you, or exercise with you, or work when you do...I care about you and am willing you to do great things (however they manifest)
    Goooooooo You!!!!!!!

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    1. Helen, I love you honey. You are such a wonderful friend. This bloody addiction thing is so hard to overcome - I'm so glad you've kicked your ciggie addiction - that one has been a struggle for me too. I think you're right - most of this is about getting our head in the right place. I'm really hoping I manage that this time, as it most certainly isn't in the right place at the moment!!!
      Lots of love to you honey. Thanks for the awesome reply. x

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  2. You know despite the fact that thousands upon thousands do the program in any one 12 week block, I do think we're all in this together. I have little flashes as I'm preparing dinner that many many people across Australia and maybe the world are dicing vegetables or slicing mushrooms or whatever at that exact moment in time. I have moments of clarity on a Wednesday morning that other people are padding their way across cold tiles in the bathroom to the scales to weigh in. That others are huffing and puffing at exactly the same time as me doing their time trial. It almost gives me comfort in a way thinking that there are so many people out there doing EXACTLY the same thing as me, each with their own demons, each on their own journey, each JFDI every day. If you think about it that way it kind of helps.

    But come what may, you make sure you lean on anyone who is there with a shoulder, with a word, with an ear. That helps each and every day.

    Carol
    www.finding-carol.blogspot.com

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