Tuesday, I was so proud of myself, I'd kicked some ass at the gym, come home and done a great yoga session with Miss J and felt fantastic.
When I weighed in yesterday, after WWW (wake, wee, weigh) I had lost 1.2, I was stoked - and I know that ass kicking workout, made the difference in my numbers. Then it was time to get the kids up for school - Master D had been up several times through the night with gastro. His temp was way up... I hate it when he's sick, it doesn't happen often, but it hits HARD and he's very clingy.
I got a phone call from my mother, my great-uncle, had a major stroke, and is now totally paralysed down one side, and Dad's surgery is next week. Nanna (great uncle's twin) is a complete mess, and I'll need to help out with her while Dad's in Melbourne. Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!
I had my Nanna live with me for a year a couple of years back, and it was hard. We had to renovate the house, right down to things like taps (her hands don't work well) and the shower (she couldn't shower herself and we had staff in to do that) and moving furniture to accommodate her walking frame. Looking after her, is a huge amount of work. She had her first heart attack at 50, and has spent the last 42 years declining in health every day. Her quality of life, is crap, and it is very hard to watch someone deteriorate, but continue to make the same lifestyle choices that got them there in the first place. Her twin brother, is the polar opposite, until only 2 weeks ago, he was waking up, walking 5km to get the paper, grabbing a latte 'down the street' and reading his paper, walking back home. Red wine with dinner, still had his licence, still lived alone and was the picture of good health. He is who I aspire to be like when I am older, his good health and positive attitude to life, something I hope to emulate. I haven't spent the hugest amount of time with him, but he's my favourite great uncle, and he's an extraordinary man - who I love and respect very much.
A couple of weeks ago, he had a turn, and was told he can't live alone. He was put into nursing care. Tuesday night, he had a major stroke. A stroke has taken out his mother and several siblings, and I'm quite sure it will be the end of my Uncle too. I fear for how my Nanna will cope with the loss, and fear that may be more than she can bear.
My Dad, has been fighting cancer for a few months, and we've been waiting for his surgery date, it's next week, which is good news, but I can't be there with him. I need to be looking after Nanna. Mum will be with Dad, so that is ok, but I wanted to be there too.
So all this news yesterday, while I was looking after my sick boy, was more than I could handle. I hit the chocolate, then for dinner, fish and chips. I think I ate around 2000 calories in junky shit food. I can't believe that at the first sign of trouble I will revert to these patterns. I felt like crap, and completely useless and worthless. What kind of stupid idiot can't see that food isn't going to fix anything. Eating shit food doesn't help me, eating shit food makes me feel like crap! Last night, I was oh-so-sorry for myself. I felt awful, I had pain flare ups, my fibromyalgia wanted to remind me why I shouldn't eat crap. So in addition to being upset, feeling bad for my family, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what was going to happen - I felt guilty, stupid, worthless and in pain.
The girls in one of the 12WBT support groups were there with wonderful words of support, and I want to thank them all for the good ju-ju, love and positive vibes they sent me. They all know what I'm going through, and many have used food as a crutch at times, so they knew what to say to make me feel less guilty, stupid and worthless - the pain.....fibro isn't as forgiving as friends are!
I stepped on the scales this morning to see what my sugar/salt binge has done, I followed weigh in procedure WWW - I'd put on 1 whole kilo. Gutted! I am hoping that it is some fluid retention because of all the salt I binged on. If it's not, I'm hoping it's lesson learned. I am really needing a good workout, and I'm hoping beating the crap out of the heavy bag might help me deal with some of the emotions.
I want to thank my friends, my online friends, and my 12WBT support friends. The messages, the love without judgement, has been invaluable. Thank-you. x
~.~.~.~.~.A blog about trying to find myself ~ or at least a better version of me - on a journey toward wellness.~.~.~.~.~ A new body, new mind-set, vitality, energy, new friends, and hopefully a new life - one that is filled with passion!
Showing posts with label Michelle Bridges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michelle Bridges. Show all posts
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Monday, 10 September 2012
Learning to feel my emotions
So the other day, I had a bit of an epiphany moment (these are happening really quite frequently nowadays!) It was Sunday afternoon, the house looked like a bomb had gone off, I was doing a bit of a cook-up for the week ahead and trying to figure out how to modify the 12WBT recipes to make them allergy friendly.
Since finding out about Miss J's allergies, I have been very conscious that the house needs top to tail spring cleaning, de-cluttering and extreme organisation to help keep the allergens to a minimum. I have been doing bits from an online organising challenge, starting with hidden things like inside cupboards. I'm about 5 days behind on the daily tasks, and the house is NOT looking more organised, in fact, it looks like a bomb hit it. So put me in the middle of mess, trying to cook, feeling guilty about getting behind in my study, my housework, my washing - and the kids were in a happy-hyped up mood making lots of noise, and I was over it all!
Usually, I would go mental - I'd yell, and make everyone else feel miserable for not contributing to helping me look after the housework - but I didn't. I allowed myself to feel it - examine it, try to work out what I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, and I realised I've been feeling it all week. Spending all my spare time out doing fencing was great for the calorie burn, great to help me get some sun, it had me feeling awesome and full of light. Then I'd walk into my messy, neglected house, too tired to do anything, and I'd feel immediately burdened.
So on Sunday, while I'm trashing the kitchen trying to do a huge cook up, feeling overwhelmed with the enormous task ahead of cleaning the house and get on track with study the ex, Mr CK walks in. He can see I'm upset and asks why. I tell him I'm feeling totally overwhelmed with all I have to do, and don't know how I'm going to get it done. He does whatever he came into the house for, and leaves. I don't feel any better, until I see the kids wandering outside with a basket of washing to peg out. I go out to see what they are doing. Master D tells me, Dad said you were feeling overwhelmed, so he asked us to put on a load of washing and to peg these out to help you feel better. We want to help you.
It was in that moment, that I realise, that sometimes, asking for help doesn't make you weak - which is what I had believed my entire life, sometimes, it even allows the people we love, the opportunity to help us.
The house still looks like a bomb has hit it, in fact, it's worse than it was before (because the kids have decided to de-clutter their rooms, and they have pulled everything out of everywhere - bomb city) but I am feeling slightly less overwhelmed by it all, because I know that I have help if I need to ask for it.
Since finding out about Miss J's allergies, I have been very conscious that the house needs top to tail spring cleaning, de-cluttering and extreme organisation to help keep the allergens to a minimum. I have been doing bits from an online organising challenge, starting with hidden things like inside cupboards. I'm about 5 days behind on the daily tasks, and the house is NOT looking more organised, in fact, it looks like a bomb hit it. So put me in the middle of mess, trying to cook, feeling guilty about getting behind in my study, my housework, my washing - and the kids were in a happy-hyped up mood making lots of noise, and I was over it all!
Usually, I would go mental - I'd yell, and make everyone else feel miserable for not contributing to helping me look after the housework - but I didn't. I allowed myself to feel it - examine it, try to work out what I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, and I realised I've been feeling it all week. Spending all my spare time out doing fencing was great for the calorie burn, great to help me get some sun, it had me feeling awesome and full of light. Then I'd walk into my messy, neglected house, too tired to do anything, and I'd feel immediately burdened.
So on Sunday, while I'm trashing the kitchen trying to do a huge cook up, feeling overwhelmed with the enormous task ahead of cleaning the house and get on track with study the ex, Mr CK walks in. He can see I'm upset and asks why. I tell him I'm feeling totally overwhelmed with all I have to do, and don't know how I'm going to get it done. He does whatever he came into the house for, and leaves. I don't feel any better, until I see the kids wandering outside with a basket of washing to peg out. I go out to see what they are doing. Master D tells me, Dad said you were feeling overwhelmed, so he asked us to put on a load of washing and to peg these out to help you feel better. We want to help you.
It was in that moment, that I realise, that sometimes, asking for help doesn't make you weak - which is what I had believed my entire life, sometimes, it even allows the people we love, the opportunity to help us.
The house still looks like a bomb has hit it, in fact, it's worse than it was before (because the kids have decided to de-clutter their rooms, and they have pulled everything out of everywhere - bomb city) but I am feeling slightly less overwhelmed by it all, because I know that I have help if I need to ask for it.
Sunday, 26 August 2012
Photos and tears
I took the photos tonight. My beautiful daughter pointed a camera at me while I stood humiliated in bra and panties, fat hanging out there for the world to see. I looked at the photos, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have never been more sickened by a photo. I guess by avoiding mirrors, and not being naked, I haven't had to acknowledge what I really look like, and by 'dressing for my size', and 'flattering my curves' I haven't acknowledged it at all.
The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.
I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see. I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!
I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different. I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!
Bring it on!
The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.
I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see. I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!
I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different. I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!
Bring it on!
Saturday, 25 August 2012
More set backs!
Imagine my devastation at having a fall on Thursday and rolling my ankle! Only days away from my start date for the 12WBT and I'd rendered myself useless. The doctor doesn't want me to run on my ankle for a month to six weeks. I have the perfect excuse to sit on my ass and not train - but for some reason, something in me has already changed, now I want to be able to train.
I'm not sure what has switched in me, what has made the change in my thinking, as I haven't even started the program yet, and already I feel different. I feel like I deserve to be a better me, and I want to do well with my first round. I'm a bit of a geek, and the thought of seeing my numbers change is sure going to help keep me motivated.
I'm not sure what has switched in me, what has made the change in my thinking, as I haven't even started the program yet, and already I feel different. I feel like I deserve to be a better me, and I want to do well with my first round. I'm a bit of a geek, and the thought of seeing my numbers change is sure going to help keep me motivated.
Today, I woke up, slathered my ankle with comfrey, strapped then braced my ankle and wedged it into a sneaker. I jogged/walked my 1km time trial, in just over 10 mins (10.12) and did it holding the hand of my daughter. She is very proud of me for not making excuses, and I must admit, I'm a little proud of myself too. For the next month I'm going to listen to the doctor, and I'll do bike/boxing work to get my heart rate up, but I'm glad I went for a jog with my little girl today.
This afternoon, the kids and I will do a cook up from the week 1 menu, and then I'll do the nasty photo task and take measurements. I'm going into this with the attitude that I can't possibly fail if I set myself up for success! This time I will JFDI!!!!
Wish me luck!
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Say it out loud.
I have dreaded this very post since the moment I joined 12WBT 14 days ago. I have been keenly working my way through pre-season tasks, setting goals and quashing excuses happily. In 14 short days I have honestly worked hard to concentrate on my mind-set in relation to changing my life, and becoming a stronger, fitter, happier and healthier version of myself - and I'm not too modest to say, I'm really starting to get somewhere with it! I am making better choices, I'm working out - and I'm not hating it! I have lost 3.5 kilos, and I haven't even started on Mish's plan yet - the pre-season tasks are working for me!
This task however has filled me with dread. This task is about accountability. Mish makes no demand on who you share this information with, but for me, the more open I am and the more transparency there is with my intentions, the more accountable I will feel. The reason I have been filled with fear, is because I decided that I am going the whole hog. I am sharing my number and several of my goals here, and on facebook. This means that people I went to high school with, (the nice ones and the ones that will be judging me), ex colleagues, my ex-hubby's family, my family, friends both old and new and anyone who reads this blog, will know my number. That number that no-one ever wants to disclose.
The reason I have decided to post it so very publicly, along with my goals, is so that I have absolutely no choice but to succeed. If I tell people my number, I tell people my goals and then I fail - I will DIE from the humiliation. This works for me - this will motivate me, this will spur me on when I want to give in, when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning..... It will help me to JFDI ( Just F*&king Do It!!) when I really don't want to.
So here goes...............On the day I joined 2 weeks ago, I weighed in at 107.9kg. I have since lost 3.5 kg, and now sit very uncomfortably at 104.4kg. My 168cm frame doesn't carry this weight well, and it causes me physical pain, tiredness and severe lethargy. I have fibromyalgia, which is exacerbated by carrying excessive weight. I carry a lot of mental pain by being obese also, and for the most part, I don't like myself very much. I have joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation - http://www.12wbt.com ) and I intend to change my body. I will lose at least 15kg in my first round, which begins in 13 days and will run for 12 weeks. By the end of the round, I will be able to run 5km without stopping and to touch my toes for the first time in my life. I will achieve these goals by following Michelle's program, training at the gym, eating clean and working hard on my mindset lessons. I am going to work very hard to feel my emotions, and stop eating them. I will also work very hard to begin to like the person that inhabits my body - I deserve no less!
Writing this blog has given me the accountability that I need to ensure I succeed. Wish me luck friends, I will take all the love, luck and good vibes you all want to throw my way. To my 12WBT friends, I'd love your comments about how you are going on this program!
This task however has filled me with dread. This task is about accountability. Mish makes no demand on who you share this information with, but for me, the more open I am and the more transparency there is with my intentions, the more accountable I will feel. The reason I have been filled with fear, is because I decided that I am going the whole hog. I am sharing my number and several of my goals here, and on facebook. This means that people I went to high school with, (the nice ones and the ones that will be judging me), ex colleagues, my ex-hubby's family, my family, friends both old and new and anyone who reads this blog, will know my number. That number that no-one ever wants to disclose.
The reason I have decided to post it so very publicly, along with my goals, is so that I have absolutely no choice but to succeed. If I tell people my number, I tell people my goals and then I fail - I will DIE from the humiliation. This works for me - this will motivate me, this will spur me on when I want to give in, when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning..... It will help me to JFDI ( Just F*&king Do It!!) when I really don't want to.
So here goes...............On the day I joined 2 weeks ago, I weighed in at 107.9kg. I have since lost 3.5 kg, and now sit very uncomfortably at 104.4kg. My 168cm frame doesn't carry this weight well, and it causes me physical pain, tiredness and severe lethargy. I have fibromyalgia, which is exacerbated by carrying excessive weight. I carry a lot of mental pain by being obese also, and for the most part, I don't like myself very much. I have joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation - http://www.12wbt.com ) and I intend to change my body. I will lose at least 15kg in my first round, which begins in 13 days and will run for 12 weeks. By the end of the round, I will be able to run 5km without stopping and to touch my toes for the first time in my life. I will achieve these goals by following Michelle's program, training at the gym, eating clean and working hard on my mindset lessons. I am going to work very hard to feel my emotions, and stop eating them. I will also work very hard to begin to like the person that inhabits my body - I deserve no less!
Writing this blog has given me the accountability that I need to ensure I succeed. Wish me luck friends, I will take all the love, luck and good vibes you all want to throw my way. To my 12WBT friends, I'd love your comments about how you are going on this program!
Post work out deliciousness!
I love that I have raised children that are so into wholesome, healthy foods that are grown in our garden without chemicals. I think the kids cooking after my gym sessions could become a welcome tradition in our household!
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Finding my mojo
I have been really sick for almost a week. I've not gotten out of bed for days, which is very unusual for me. Today, despite still feeling like crap and coughing up a lung - it was a better quality of crap. It is a beautiful day here today, the sun is out and the birds are singing, so me and my not-as-crap-as-yesterday cough decided to go for a run.
I did have to stop several times to hock up a lung, but I do have to admit, I feel much better than before I left. I managed to run/walk 5.2km in 57mins, burning 625cals..... not a bad effort for a newbie to exercise.
If you'd told me a few weeks ago that I would actually WANT to go for a run (especially when I had such a great excuse not to go) I would never have believed you.
I believe I may be starting to find my exercise mojo - and believe it or not, I'm quite excited to go to the gym for my PT session tomorrow! Who'd have thought it!!!!
Now that I'm back, and the exercise endorphins have worn off, I'm feeling sick again, and after a shower - I'll need a rest to get through the afternoon, but I'm really proud of myself for not using being sick as an excuse! I just frikken did it!
I did have to stop several times to hock up a lung, but I do have to admit, I feel much better than before I left. I managed to run/walk 5.2km in 57mins, burning 625cals..... not a bad effort for a newbie to exercise.
If you'd told me a few weeks ago that I would actually WANT to go for a run (especially when I had such a great excuse not to go) I would never have believed you.
I believe I may be starting to find my exercise mojo - and believe it or not, I'm quite excited to go to the gym for my PT session tomorrow! Who'd have thought it!!!!
Now that I'm back, and the exercise endorphins have worn off, I'm feeling sick again, and after a shower - I'll need a rest to get through the afternoon, but I'm really proud of myself for not using being sick as an excuse! I just frikken did it!
Monday, 6 August 2012
My ultimate goal - just 1 photo!
Being fat I hate having my photo taken. I don't mean, I look at a picture and hate it, I mean I don't get my photo taken. I have vomited at the thought of having my photo taken, and I have cried at having my photo taken. This isn't to say that photos of me don't exist - there are many photos of me that have been taken of me during the drunken girls nights out of my 20's and early 30's. I hate those photos, unless of course they are taken from above and my face is pointing at the camera in that perfect way that gives me only one chin...... then I love those photos. Photos of me with one chin, feed my inner delusion that I am not an enormous whale living on land..... I'm a single chinned party girl.
The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.
Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.
A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.
The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.
Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.
Until my accident, I could count the photos of me and my daughter (then aged 8) on one hand. I had more with my son, but only because my husband would take pictures of us when we were sleeping. There aren't many photos of me that were taken post-children, as my kids would remember me had I died in the accident. It was my daughter who brought this to my attention. I had to do something.....
A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.
After that shoot - I contacted the photographer, and booked another shoot. While happy with the first shoot, and after feeling an instant rapport with the photographer, I wanted a photo that looked like me. No fancy hair and makeup, just me. So we booked a session and headed out for the afternoon....
At the start of the shoot, I was still feeling quite sick, but no tears - a huge improvement..... and several hours later - I was having so much fun, I forgot that she was taking my photo. The results of my second shoot actually made me cry when I saw them, not because I looked awful, but because I didn't.
There were now photos of me in existence with a REAL SMILE on my face! There were photos of me skipping, and laughing and joyous! This I credit to how comfortable my awesome new friend made me feel. This is from the second shoot.....
Last week, I booked another shoot with my friend. This time, it'll be me, the kids dad and both my children. I want a beautiful family photo, so if God-forbid, something happens to any of us, we have a beautiful photo of us all together as a family. I also rather like the idea that when we are all old and wrinkly, we can look back at what we were like when we were young! My friend is a passionate natural light photographer, which is why I prefer her work over that of many other great photographers. She is also aware how important this photo shoot is to me, and how I want it to be perfect - so she booked me a late afternoon October shoot - because the lighting will be great! The very next day, I counted the weeks till my shoot.... 11 weeks - It was then I decided to join the 12WBT. I want to ENJOY my photo shoot with my family without worrying about my double chins, how many layers of shapewear I have on - if my fat rolls out over my spanx..... I want to be able to look at my daughters face, smile and laugh and have a beautiful picture to show for it.
The biggest thing that will drive me through Michelle Bridges 12WBT is the knowledge that I am having this photo shoot. It will be up to me to work had, eat right, train hard..... but if I do, I will have a beautiful family portrait, and a beautiful photo of my daughter and I that will last a lifetime. That should get me through some rough patches!
Check out my friends website - she is truly talented, and works in Eastern Victoria and Melbourne. http://www.alicecampbellphotography.com/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/
What Mr. Grey taught me......
So today, I read it - THAT book, the one that all the women (and some of the men) are reading. It isn't a work of literary genius, but a fun and cheeky read - but this isn't a book review. Believe it or not - I actually discovered something about myself.
The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another. Then it hit me........
I was married (technically still am - separated 2 years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.
I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.
I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.
The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another. Then it hit me........
I was married (technically still am - separated 2 years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.
I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.
I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.
Thursday, 2 August 2012
Reasons, or excuses?
I am the queen of excuses. If I don't want to do something my brain is a super efficient computer, coming up with great 'reasons' for me not to do it. I think it is really difficult sometimes to identify a true and legitimate reason, and to differentiate between a 'reason' and an 'excuse'.
I have spent the last few years with a huge list of 'reasons' that prevent me from exercising, getting fit and changing myself. The biggest one is illness, I have fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a bitch! The syndrome is basically constant pain, tiredness and cognitive fog. It is different in everyone, but those three symptoms are pretty universal in most FM people. So for me, the thought of exercising is challenging. I know that exercise hurts, and that even the normal people without FM feel tired and sore after training - I have pain and lethargy before I even start - so why would I want to give myself MORE pain?????? ......But the dirty little secret is, gentle exercise has been proven to reduce symptoms of my syndrome. So my 'reason' for not exercising, not really a reason, it's an excuse.
The program I joined, in an attempt to change my thinking, my habits, and my life is Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 week body transformation). I won't share specific details of the program on my blog, as I feel it is unethical of me to share the information with non- members, so I will write about my experience with the program.
A pre-season task had me examine my excuses....... this was a difficult task for me, as I genuinely thought that I had reasons, not excuses. Well after the task, I decided I have no genuine reason not to do this, which means that the only thing standing between me and getting fit, is me. In fact, the only thing that has stood between me and good health my whole life, is me. The only hurdle is my thinking. For someone like me, who has a really hard time with all the soft and fuzzy emotional stuff, coming to terms with the notion that I am fat because of my thinking, because my mindset is wrong is a little hard to handle. But ultimately, my thinking is responsible for my weight, my laziness, my love of sugar (ok, this one might be part addiction), my self-doubt, my self loathing, my lack of motivation perhaps even my sickness.
Since examining my excuses, and coming up with logical solutions to every excuse I have, I now really have no excuse - it is time to change my life, and find my passion!
I'm off for a walk!
I have spent the last few years with a huge list of 'reasons' that prevent me from exercising, getting fit and changing myself. The biggest one is illness, I have fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a bitch! The syndrome is basically constant pain, tiredness and cognitive fog. It is different in everyone, but those three symptoms are pretty universal in most FM people. So for me, the thought of exercising is challenging. I know that exercise hurts, and that even the normal people without FM feel tired and sore after training - I have pain and lethargy before I even start - so why would I want to give myself MORE pain?????? ......But the dirty little secret is, gentle exercise has been proven to reduce symptoms of my syndrome. So my 'reason' for not exercising, not really a reason, it's an excuse.
The program I joined, in an attempt to change my thinking, my habits, and my life is Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 week body transformation). I won't share specific details of the program on my blog, as I feel it is unethical of me to share the information with non- members, so I will write about my experience with the program.
A pre-season task had me examine my excuses....... this was a difficult task for me, as I genuinely thought that I had reasons, not excuses. Well after the task, I decided I have no genuine reason not to do this, which means that the only thing standing between me and getting fit, is me. In fact, the only thing that has stood between me and good health my whole life, is me. The only hurdle is my thinking. For someone like me, who has a really hard time with all the soft and fuzzy emotional stuff, coming to terms with the notion that I am fat because of my thinking, because my mindset is wrong is a little hard to handle. But ultimately, my thinking is responsible for my weight, my laziness, my love of sugar (ok, this one might be part addiction), my self-doubt, my self loathing, my lack of motivation perhaps even my sickness.
Since examining my excuses, and coming up with logical solutions to every excuse I have, I now really have no excuse - it is time to change my life, and find my passion!
I'm off for a walk!
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
New Beginnings
Writing this blog is difficult for me, in order to begin typing I have eaten half a bag of chips, some chocolate all washed down with a coke. I am terrified of the road ahead, and the thought of blogging about my life, my insecurities, my weight and my emotions frightens me, and inevitably drives me to eat.
Anthony Robbins (the American life coach and Author) states that change only happens when you will not tolerate things staying the same. There are so many things in my life that I can't live with any more - things that can't stay the same. I am obese, I am unfit, I am sick, I am constantly tired, I am not the best mother I can be, I am full of self hatred, and worst of all - I lack passion for my life. These things must change! I can no longer participate in a life, where I lay on my couch in a messy house feeling too tired and much too sick to do anything else.
Yesterday I signed up to participate in a program to help me regain my health, it is a program that will teach me about all aspects of health. I will expand on my knowledge about nutrition, and it will teach me about exercise and mindset. I tend to eat my emotions rather than feel them. My biggest hope is that the program will help me learn to feel my emotions, removing my desire to eat crap food to suppress them. I don't exercise - I hate exercise. I have had limited successes in the past with exercising, I lose weight, feel better, then I fall of the wagon, hate myself and eat the weight back on.
I also make excuses. I'm too tired, I lack motivation, I don't have time (my favourite - considering the amount of time I spend lying on the couch), the kids need me, it hurts too much, my fibromyalgia is flaring, I deserve a treat, I can't afford the gym, it's easier not to......... it never stops - and I'm full of shit! When I think about how lazy I am I despise myself - why would anyone like who I've let myself become?
The first pre-season challenge on the programme is to list my excuses - and then write a solution for my excuse. It isn't an easy task, if I analyse and admit that the things that have been holding me back are excuses, not reasons - then I will have no reason not to succeed. I have become a master of self-sabotage over the years, with every step forward, I take two giant leaps back. This will require thought......
In the next 16 weeks, (12 week challenge and 4 week pre-season) I hope to find myself. A better version of myself, a happier, healthier, fitter, skinnier, sexier version of myself. I will do my best to follow the program, and to not sabotage myself - because I will not tolerate continuing a life without passion!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)