Say it out loud.

I have dreaded this very post since the moment I joined 12WBT 14 days ago. I have been keenly working my way through pre-season tasks, setting goals and quashing excuses happily. In 14 short days I have honestly worked hard to concentrate on my mind-set in relation to changing my life, and becoming a stronger, fitter, happier and healthier version of myself - and I'm not too modest to say, I'm really starting to get somewhere with it! I am making better choices, I'm working out - and I'm not hating it! I have lost 3.5 kilos, and I haven't even started on Mish's plan yet - the pre-season tasks are working for me!

This task however has filled me with dread. This task is about accountability. Mish makes no demand on who you share this information with, but for me, the more open I am and the more transparency there is with my intentions, the more accountable I will feel. The reason I have been filled with fear, is because I decided that I am going the whole hog. I am sharing my number and several of my goals here, and on facebook. This means that people I went to high school with, (the nice ones and the ones that will be judging me), ex colleagues, my ex-hubby's family, my family, friends both old and new and anyone who reads this blog,  will know my number. That number that no-one ever wants to disclose.

The reason I have decided to post it so very publicly, along with my goals, is so that I have absolutely no choice but to succeed. If I tell people my number, I tell people my goals and then I fail - I will DIE from the humiliation. This works for me - this will motivate me, this will spur me on when I want to give in, when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning..... It will help me to JFDI ( Just F*&king Do It!!) when I really don't want to.

So here goes...............On the day I joined 2 weeks ago, I weighed in at 107.9kg. I have since lost 3.5 kg, and now sit very uncomfortably at 104.4kg. My 168cm frame doesn't carry this weight well, and it causes me physical pain, tiredness and severe lethargy. I have fibromyalgia, which is exacerbated by carrying excessive weight. I carry a lot of mental pain by being obese also, and for the most part, I don't like myself very much.  I have joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation - http://www.12wbt.com ) and I intend to change my body. I will lose at least 15kg in my first round, which begins in 13 days and will run for 12 weeks. By the end of the round, I will be able to run 5km without stopping and to touch my toes for the first time in my life. I will achieve these goals by following Michelle's program, training at the gym, eating clean and working hard on my mindset lessons. I am going to work very hard to feel my emotions, and stop eating them.  I will also work very hard to begin to like the person that inhabits my body - I deserve no less!

Writing this blog has given me the accountability that I need to ensure I succeed. Wish me luck friends, I will take all the love, luck and good vibes you all want to throw my way. To my 12WBT friends, I'd love your comments about how you are going on this program!

My ultimate goal - just 1 photo!

Being fat I hate having my photo taken. I don't mean, I look at a picture and hate it, I mean I don't get my photo taken. I have vomited at the thought of having my photo taken, and I have cried at having my photo taken. This isn't to say that photos of me don't exist - there are many photos of me that have been taken of me during the drunken girls nights out of my 20's and early 30's. I hate those photos, unless of course they are taken from above and my face is pointing at the camera in that perfect way that gives me only one chin...... then I love those photos. Photos of me with one chin, feed my inner delusion that I am not an enormous whale living on land..... I'm a single chinned party girl.

The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.

Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.

Until my accident, I could count the photos of me and my daughter (then aged 8) on one hand. I had more with my son, but only because my husband would take pictures of us when we were sleeping. There aren't many photos of me that were taken post-children, as my kids would remember me had I died in the accident. It was my daughter who brought this to my attention. I had to do something.....

A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.

After that shoot - I contacted the photographer, and booked another shoot. While happy with the first shoot, and after feeling an instant rapport with the photographer, I wanted a photo that looked like me. No fancy hair and makeup, just me. So we booked a session and headed out for the afternoon....

At the start of the shoot, I was still feeling quite sick, but no tears - a huge improvement..... and several hours later - I was having so much fun, I forgot that she was taking my photo. The results of my second shoot actually made me cry when I saw them, not because I looked awful, but because I didn't. 

There were now photos of me in existence with a REAL SMILE on my face! There were photos of me skipping, and laughing and joyous! This I credit to how comfortable my awesome new friend made me feel. This is from the second shoot.....

Last week, I booked another shoot with my friend. This time, it'll be me, the kids dad and both my children. I want a beautiful family photo, so if God-forbid, something happens to any of us, we have a beautiful photo of us all together as a family. I also rather like the idea that when we are all old and wrinkly, we can look back at what we were like when we were young! My friend is a passionate natural light photographer, which is why I prefer her work over that of many other great photographers. She is also aware how important this photo shoot is to me, and how I want it to be perfect - so she booked me a late afternoon October shoot - because the lighting will be great! The very next day, I counted the weeks till my shoot.... 11 weeks - It was then I decided to join the 12WBT. I want to ENJOY my photo shoot with my family without worrying about my double chins, how many layers of shapewear I have on - if my fat rolls out over my spanx..... I want to be able to look at my daughters face, smile and laugh and have a beautiful picture to show for it. 

The biggest thing that will drive me through Michelle Bridges 12WBT is the knowledge that I am having this photo shoot. It will be up to me to work had, eat right, train hard..... but if I do, I will have a beautiful family portrait, and a beautiful photo of my daughter and I that will last a lifetime. That should get me through some rough patches!

Check out my friends website - she is truly talented, and works in Eastern Victoria and Melbourne. http://www.alicecampbellphotography.com/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/

Coffee with epiphanies,

So today I had coffee with a friend who I haven't seen for 14 years. We had a wonderful time catching up, and I really enjoyed her company. She's quite like me, neither of us are happy happy joy type people, not over the top with bubbles and we kind of have a darker sense of humour, but I would call us both modern day hippies.  We met when we worked together at the bank many moons ago - and it was obvious neither of us were set out for such monotonous work.

When I knew her in my old life, she was working at the bank, and studying for her second uni degree. As a 20 year old I had so much respect for her, for working her ass off to get what she wanted and always admired her. Skip forward 14 years and she is happily married to the man she had just started dating (a rather spunky bank boy) and they have 2 beautiful kids. She is working part time, and studying again! She's doing her masters degree in alternative therapy, and I can see, this is exactly what she is supposed to be doing with her life.

My first question to her was 'how on earth do you have time to do it all' - her response was simple.... 'I don't know, I just do'. She then admitted to a great support network and super scheduling abilities..... but ultimately I saw how she does it,  - she really wants it. It was in that moment I had a small epiphany, my friend has the same amount of time as me in any given day.She has obligations, and obstacles, she has younger children, one still not at kinder, and 2 jobs. She travels an 8hr round trip to work 2 days a week in her new field, and still has time for her family and other jobs. So how does she fit it all in, when some days I feel barely able to find the time to do my homework or cook dinner for my kids?

To me, it's simple. She has passion - she knows exactly what she wants, and she MAKES time! She makes it work because she wants it so badly. It is in this moment I realise, my excuses don't just stop me from eating well and exercising - they stop me from living the life I want to live. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't do things, and start working out how to make them work. We all have the same number of hours in a day, and it is how we decide to spend them that determines who we are. My friend spends her time working her ass off to follow her passion. I spend mine making excuses about why I can't do things.

I have decided that I need to examine ALL of my excuses, not just the ones that are holding me back with my health, diet and training, but also the excuses that are holding me back in my life. I will find my passion, and when I do I will pursue it - excuse free!

The next pre-season challenge in the 12WBT will have me setting goals, this is something that until recently would have seemed entirely pointless, because I don't set goals and I don't achieve the ones I do. For days now I've been thinking about my goals, my training goals, my goals for the type of foods I want to eat, the weight loss goals, the fitness goals - but after my chat with my friend, I'm thinking about other goals too. I'm starting to think about the things I like, the things that interest me, and the things that one day could be my passion.

So no more excuses in any part of my life - I need to find my passion, set my goals and work out how to achieve them!