Tuesday, I was so proud of myself, I'd kicked some ass at the gym, come home and done a great yoga session with Miss J and felt fantastic.
When I weighed in yesterday, after WWW (wake, wee, weigh) I had lost 1.2, I was stoked - and I know that ass kicking workout, made the difference in my numbers. Then it was time to get the kids up for school - Master D had been up several times through the night with gastro. His temp was way up... I hate it when he's sick, it doesn't happen often, but it hits HARD and he's very clingy.
I got a phone call from my mother, my great-uncle, had a major stroke, and is now totally paralysed down one side, and Dad's surgery is next week. Nanna (great uncle's twin) is a complete mess, and I'll need to help out with her while Dad's in Melbourne. Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!
I had my Nanna live with me for a year a couple of years back, and it was hard. We had to renovate the house, right down to things like taps (her hands don't work well) and the shower (she couldn't shower herself and we had staff in to do that) and moving furniture to accommodate her walking frame. Looking after her, is a huge amount of work. She had her first heart attack at 50, and has spent the last 42 years declining in health every day. Her quality of life, is crap, and it is very hard to watch someone deteriorate, but continue to make the same lifestyle choices that got them there in the first place. Her twin brother, is the polar opposite, until only 2 weeks ago, he was waking up, walking 5km to get the paper, grabbing a latte 'down the street' and reading his paper, walking back home. Red wine with dinner, still had his licence, still lived alone and was the picture of good health. He is who I aspire to be like when I am older, his good health and positive attitude to life, something I hope to emulate. I haven't spent the hugest amount of time with him, but he's my favourite great uncle, and he's an extraordinary man - who I love and respect very much.
A couple of weeks ago, he had a turn, and was told he can't live alone. He was put into nursing care. Tuesday night, he had a major stroke. A stroke has taken out his mother and several siblings, and I'm quite sure it will be the end of my Uncle too. I fear for how my Nanna will cope with the loss, and fear that may be more than she can bear.
My Dad, has been fighting cancer for a few months, and we've been waiting for his surgery date, it's next week, which is good news, but I can't be there with him. I need to be looking after Nanna. Mum will be with Dad, so that is ok, but I wanted to be there too.
So all this news yesterday, while I was looking after my sick boy, was more than I could handle. I hit the chocolate, then for dinner, fish and chips. I think I ate around 2000 calories in junky shit food. I can't believe that at the first sign of trouble I will revert to these patterns. I felt like crap, and completely useless and worthless. What kind of stupid idiot can't see that food isn't going to fix anything. Eating shit food doesn't help me, eating shit food makes me feel like crap! Last night, I was oh-so-sorry for myself. I felt awful, I had pain flare ups, my fibromyalgia wanted to remind me why I shouldn't eat crap. So in addition to being upset, feeling bad for my family, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what was going to happen - I felt guilty, stupid, worthless and in pain.
The girls in one of the 12WBT support groups were there with wonderful words of support, and I want to thank them all for the good ju-ju, love and positive vibes they sent me. They all know what I'm going through, and many have used food as a crutch at times, so they knew what to say to make me feel less guilty, stupid and worthless - the pain.....fibro isn't as forgiving as friends are!
I stepped on the scales this morning to see what my sugar/salt binge has done, I followed weigh in procedure WWW - I'd put on 1 whole kilo. Gutted! I am hoping that it is some fluid retention because of all the salt I binged on. If it's not, I'm hoping it's lesson learned. I am really needing a good workout, and I'm hoping beating the crap out of the heavy bag might help me deal with some of the emotions.
I want to thank my friends, my online friends, and my 12WBT support friends. The messages, the love without judgement, has been invaluable. Thank-you. x
~.~.~.~.~.A blog about trying to find myself ~ or at least a better version of me - on a journey toward wellness.~.~.~.~.~ A new body, new mind-set, vitality, energy, new friends, and hopefully a new life - one that is filled with passion!
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Monday, 10 September 2012
Learning to feel my emotions
So the other day, I had a bit of an epiphany moment (these are happening really quite frequently nowadays!) It was Sunday afternoon, the house looked like a bomb had gone off, I was doing a bit of a cook-up for the week ahead and trying to figure out how to modify the 12WBT recipes to make them allergy friendly.
Since finding out about Miss J's allergies, I have been very conscious that the house needs top to tail spring cleaning, de-cluttering and extreme organisation to help keep the allergens to a minimum. I have been doing bits from an online organising challenge, starting with hidden things like inside cupboards. I'm about 5 days behind on the daily tasks, and the house is NOT looking more organised, in fact, it looks like a bomb hit it. So put me in the middle of mess, trying to cook, feeling guilty about getting behind in my study, my housework, my washing - and the kids were in a happy-hyped up mood making lots of noise, and I was over it all!
Usually, I would go mental - I'd yell, and make everyone else feel miserable for not contributing to helping me look after the housework - but I didn't. I allowed myself to feel it - examine it, try to work out what I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, and I realised I've been feeling it all week. Spending all my spare time out doing fencing was great for the calorie burn, great to help me get some sun, it had me feeling awesome and full of light. Then I'd walk into my messy, neglected house, too tired to do anything, and I'd feel immediately burdened.
So on Sunday, while I'm trashing the kitchen trying to do a huge cook up, feeling overwhelmed with the enormous task ahead of cleaning the house and get on track with study the ex, Mr CK walks in. He can see I'm upset and asks why. I tell him I'm feeling totally overwhelmed with all I have to do, and don't know how I'm going to get it done. He does whatever he came into the house for, and leaves. I don't feel any better, until I see the kids wandering outside with a basket of washing to peg out. I go out to see what they are doing. Master D tells me, Dad said you were feeling overwhelmed, so he asked us to put on a load of washing and to peg these out to help you feel better. We want to help you.
It was in that moment, that I realise, that sometimes, asking for help doesn't make you weak - which is what I had believed my entire life, sometimes, it even allows the people we love, the opportunity to help us.
The house still looks like a bomb has hit it, in fact, it's worse than it was before (because the kids have decided to de-clutter their rooms, and they have pulled everything out of everywhere - bomb city) but I am feeling slightly less overwhelmed by it all, because I know that I have help if I need to ask for it.
Since finding out about Miss J's allergies, I have been very conscious that the house needs top to tail spring cleaning, de-cluttering and extreme organisation to help keep the allergens to a minimum. I have been doing bits from an online organising challenge, starting with hidden things like inside cupboards. I'm about 5 days behind on the daily tasks, and the house is NOT looking more organised, in fact, it looks like a bomb hit it. So put me in the middle of mess, trying to cook, feeling guilty about getting behind in my study, my housework, my washing - and the kids were in a happy-hyped up mood making lots of noise, and I was over it all!
Usually, I would go mental - I'd yell, and make everyone else feel miserable for not contributing to helping me look after the housework - but I didn't. I allowed myself to feel it - examine it, try to work out what I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, and I realised I've been feeling it all week. Spending all my spare time out doing fencing was great for the calorie burn, great to help me get some sun, it had me feeling awesome and full of light. Then I'd walk into my messy, neglected house, too tired to do anything, and I'd feel immediately burdened.
So on Sunday, while I'm trashing the kitchen trying to do a huge cook up, feeling overwhelmed with the enormous task ahead of cleaning the house and get on track with study the ex, Mr CK walks in. He can see I'm upset and asks why. I tell him I'm feeling totally overwhelmed with all I have to do, and don't know how I'm going to get it done. He does whatever he came into the house for, and leaves. I don't feel any better, until I see the kids wandering outside with a basket of washing to peg out. I go out to see what they are doing. Master D tells me, Dad said you were feeling overwhelmed, so he asked us to put on a load of washing and to peg these out to help you feel better. We want to help you.
It was in that moment, that I realise, that sometimes, asking for help doesn't make you weak - which is what I had believed my entire life, sometimes, it even allows the people we love, the opportunity to help us.
The house still looks like a bomb has hit it, in fact, it's worse than it was before (because the kids have decided to de-clutter their rooms, and they have pulled everything out of everywhere - bomb city) but I am feeling slightly less overwhelmed by it all, because I know that I have help if I need to ask for it.
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Love
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I just wanted to say, all I'm doing is focussing on the solution - Love. I love my family, more than anything on earth, and I am learning day by day, to love myself. Changing our diet, exercising together and our daily yoga practice (which are far more challenging than I'd have expected and I'm feeling some serious DOMS today) aren't really sacrifices for me - because I know that all these changes will benefit the people I love - including myself. Sometimes in life, we need to stop looking at the hardships in our life, stop looking at the traumas and dramas, and focus on the solution. LOVE <3
Sunday, 26 August 2012
Day 1 of my 12WBT!
So today is the day! It is my first day on 12WBT - I have to say, I'm really excited about it. I was out of bed before the alarm, and off to the kitchen to make breakfast/lunch for the family (who are my support crew - and are following the eating plan with me) with a song in my heart and a skip in my step. The day had started on exactly the right note - and I was excited!
While I'm sharing everything, I must disclose my rather unconventional living arrangement. I live in a house on a farm, with 2 of the most amazing children {Master D. almost 12 and Miss J, 10} that God put breath into. Outside, attached to my garage/workshop is a little flat, that my estranged husband {Mr. CK} lives in. He is a workaholic who doesn't spend the hugest amount of time at home, and this arrangement works for us, as it means he gets to spend time with the aforementioned amazing children, and for the last 2 1/2 years, this arrangement has proved to work very well for my odd little family.
So back to today...... I wake the children for breakfast, and Miss J drags herself from bed, with a sore tummy and a headache {not unusual for my girl, who is a sick child who misses approx 10 weeks a year of school through illnesses and surgeries} telling me that she really doesn't want to go to school today. This already throws me off my game, as I hadn't pictured my day with Miss J home. Then Mr. CK comes into the house from his little flat, telling me there is a fresh cow turd on his doorstep, this means there has been a cow in the house yard overnight. This is putting me in a bit of a shitty mood..... so Mr. CK is outside looking for the elusive cow, I'm inside with a sick girl, and trying to get Mr. D organised for school - the cow isn't located, and it's assumed that it made its way back to the paddock...... I make breakfast for everyone but me, and lunch for the menfolk and send them on their way.
With the fellas out the door, and cuddles with Ms. J done for a bit I make breakfast and sit down to eat it, while working out my day and how I'll get training in with Miss J home. Breakky was pretty good, and Miss J was insistent that she'd be ok while I was off on my bike for half an hour, as she had her phone, I had mine and I could be back in a couple of minutes if required. So off to the shed to grab my bike.....
When my bike comes out of the shed, it has 2 flat tyres, and my pump was broken! As mentioned, we live on a farm and I have no desire to go to town today. I ring Mr CK to see if he has one, and he does not, but reminds me that I had to drop a friends birthday present to her today, and that she would have one. He was right, she did... and I was again happy. However while I was there dropping off presents and collecting pumps I got a call from Miss J. There was another friggin cow out of the paddock! In the 6 minutes it took me to get home, there were 3 cattle out. So without my sprained, sore ankle in the brace I'm supposed to be wearing, I chase the cattle, with sick Miss J for 20 minutes. My ankle is really hurting by this stage - but we get the cattle contained (albeit one next door).
I come inside, and I'm already buggered, I call the cattle owner, let off some steam and then slump down on the couch. It is at this point, the old me would have given up on the thought of training today..... and the new me had that thought briefly too - but I did not! I went outside, I pumped up my tyres and I went for a ride.
When I got home from my ride, I asked Miss J to come out into the sun with me while I completed the outdoor circuit from the 12WBT plan. She came outside, she told me which exercise to do, in which order and she cheered me on when I needed it.
Yesterday, this beautiful soul watched me cry after seeing photographs of myself in underwear. Master D tried to console me by saying "Mum, you're not fat", Miss J told him, "don't lie to her - she knows she is fat, but she will never be this fat again because she's going to fix herself". Today, she watched me resist the urge to quit, she watched my muscles tremble as I did push ups, squats, tricep dips, she did burpees with me to encourage me - she watched me with pride in her eyes. It was at the very moment that I saw how proud my beautiful, strong, fit, healthy and athletic little girl is of her obese Mum, struggling to make it through a workout - I can NOT fail at this. It isn't just my life that has been affected by me becoming an obese, unhealthy and unhappy person - it affects my family. The old me, the me that died yesterday when she saw those photo's, she would have quit - she would have taken the sick child, the cattle, the flat tyres, the broken pump and the sore ankle - and used them as an excuse. The new me needs to be a role model for her son and daughter - because now I know what it looks like to see pride in her eyes and I think I'm addicted to that.
While I'm sharing everything, I must disclose my rather unconventional living arrangement. I live in a house on a farm, with 2 of the most amazing children {Master D. almost 12 and Miss J, 10} that God put breath into. Outside, attached to my garage/workshop is a little flat, that my estranged husband {Mr. CK} lives in. He is a workaholic who doesn't spend the hugest amount of time at home, and this arrangement works for us, as it means he gets to spend time with the aforementioned amazing children, and for the last 2 1/2 years, this arrangement has proved to work very well for my odd little family.
So back to today...... I wake the children for breakfast, and Miss J drags herself from bed, with a sore tummy and a headache {not unusual for my girl, who is a sick child who misses approx 10 weeks a year of school through illnesses and surgeries} telling me that she really doesn't want to go to school today. This already throws me off my game, as I hadn't pictured my day with Miss J home. Then Mr. CK comes into the house from his little flat, telling me there is a fresh cow turd on his doorstep, this means there has been a cow in the house yard overnight. This is putting me in a bit of a shitty mood..... so Mr. CK is outside looking for the elusive cow, I'm inside with a sick girl, and trying to get Mr. D organised for school - the cow isn't located, and it's assumed that it made its way back to the paddock...... I make breakfast for everyone but me, and lunch for the menfolk and send them on their way.
With the fellas out the door, and cuddles with Ms. J done for a bit I make breakfast and sit down to eat it, while working out my day and how I'll get training in with Miss J home. Breakky was pretty good, and Miss J was insistent that she'd be ok while I was off on my bike for half an hour, as she had her phone, I had mine and I could be back in a couple of minutes if required. So off to the shed to grab my bike.....
When my bike comes out of the shed, it has 2 flat tyres, and my pump was broken! As mentioned, we live on a farm and I have no desire to go to town today. I ring Mr CK to see if he has one, and he does not, but reminds me that I had to drop a friends birthday present to her today, and that she would have one. He was right, she did... and I was again happy. However while I was there dropping off presents and collecting pumps I got a call from Miss J. There was another friggin cow out of the paddock! In the 6 minutes it took me to get home, there were 3 cattle out. So without my sprained, sore ankle in the brace I'm supposed to be wearing, I chase the cattle, with sick Miss J for 20 minutes. My ankle is really hurting by this stage - but we get the cattle contained (albeit one next door).
I come inside, and I'm already buggered, I call the cattle owner, let off some steam and then slump down on the couch. It is at this point, the old me would have given up on the thought of training today..... and the new me had that thought briefly too - but I did not! I went outside, I pumped up my tyres and I went for a ride.
When I got home from my ride, I asked Miss J to come out into the sun with me while I completed the outdoor circuit from the 12WBT plan. She came outside, she told me which exercise to do, in which order and she cheered me on when I needed it.
Yesterday, this beautiful soul watched me cry after seeing photographs of myself in underwear. Master D tried to console me by saying "Mum, you're not fat", Miss J told him, "don't lie to her - she knows she is fat, but she will never be this fat again because she's going to fix herself". Today, she watched me resist the urge to quit, she watched my muscles tremble as I did push ups, squats, tricep dips, she did burpees with me to encourage me - she watched me with pride in her eyes. It was at the very moment that I saw how proud my beautiful, strong, fit, healthy and athletic little girl is of her obese Mum, struggling to make it through a workout - I can NOT fail at this. It isn't just my life that has been affected by me becoming an obese, unhealthy and unhappy person - it affects my family. The old me, the me that died yesterday when she saw those photo's, she would have quit - she would have taken the sick child, the cattle, the flat tyres, the broken pump and the sore ankle - and used them as an excuse. The new me needs to be a role model for her son and daughter - because now I know what it looks like to see pride in her eyes and I think I'm addicted to that.
Photos and tears
I took the photos tonight. My beautiful daughter pointed a camera at me while I stood humiliated in bra and panties, fat hanging out there for the world to see. I looked at the photos, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have never been more sickened by a photo. I guess by avoiding mirrors, and not being naked, I haven't had to acknowledge what I really look like, and by 'dressing for my size', and 'flattering my curves' I haven't acknowledged it at all.
The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.
I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see. I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!
I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different. I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!
Bring it on!
The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.
I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see. I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!
I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different. I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!
Bring it on!
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Post work out deliciousness!
I love that I have raised children that are so into wholesome, healthy foods that are grown in our garden without chemicals. I think the kids cooking after my gym sessions could become a welcome tradition in our household!
Monday, 6 August 2012
My ultimate goal - just 1 photo!
Being fat I hate having my photo taken. I don't mean, I look at a picture and hate it, I mean I don't get my photo taken. I have vomited at the thought of having my photo taken, and I have cried at having my photo taken. This isn't to say that photos of me don't exist - there are many photos of me that have been taken of me during the drunken girls nights out of my 20's and early 30's. I hate those photos, unless of course they are taken from above and my face is pointing at the camera in that perfect way that gives me only one chin...... then I love those photos. Photos of me with one chin, feed my inner delusion that I am not an enormous whale living on land..... I'm a single chinned party girl.
The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.
Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.
A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.
The last family portrait I sat for, was when my son who is now 11 was 6 weeks old. There are no family portraits with my husband and both kids.
Just over 2 years ago, I was in a car accident that could have ended my life. I was side impact hit at 100km/h just in front of the drivers door. My heart stopped, and I was in the cardiac ward being monitored for several days afterwards - and miraculously I am fine today with nothing but shoulder and back pains to show for it. It did make me think about things though. It made me re-evaluate things.
Until my accident, I could count the photos of me and my daughter (then aged 8) on one hand. I had more with my son, but only because my husband would take pictures of us when we were sleeping. There aren't many photos of me that were taken post-children, as my kids would remember me had I died in the accident. It was my daughter who brought this to my attention. I had to do something.....
A year after the accident, I entered a competition, it was for free hair, make-up and photos. Throughout the day of the shoot, I pretended to be jovial, but I felt sick. I was wearing 3 pears of shapewear under my clothes, and still felt enormous. The before picture was truly hideous - I genuinely felt disgusting and I can say that when I look at that photo, I still feel every bit as sick and disgusting as I did at the moment it was taken. By the time I was done with hair and makeup and was alone in the bush with the photographer, I felt worse....... As soon as she pointed the camera at me, even with professional hair and makeup done, I cried. I cried, and cried and the photographer, to her credit, calmed me - she was amazing, and after a hug, and a chat and the promise I would not recognise myself we proceeded. So we proceeded...... this is the result of my first professional shoot.
After that shoot - I contacted the photographer, and booked another shoot. While happy with the first shoot, and after feeling an instant rapport with the photographer, I wanted a photo that looked like me. No fancy hair and makeup, just me. So we booked a session and headed out for the afternoon....
At the start of the shoot, I was still feeling quite sick, but no tears - a huge improvement..... and several hours later - I was having so much fun, I forgot that she was taking my photo. The results of my second shoot actually made me cry when I saw them, not because I looked awful, but because I didn't.
There were now photos of me in existence with a REAL SMILE on my face! There were photos of me skipping, and laughing and joyous! This I credit to how comfortable my awesome new friend made me feel. This is from the second shoot.....
Last week, I booked another shoot with my friend. This time, it'll be me, the kids dad and both my children. I want a beautiful family photo, so if God-forbid, something happens to any of us, we have a beautiful photo of us all together as a family. I also rather like the idea that when we are all old and wrinkly, we can look back at what we were like when we were young! My friend is a passionate natural light photographer, which is why I prefer her work over that of many other great photographers. She is also aware how important this photo shoot is to me, and how I want it to be perfect - so she booked me a late afternoon October shoot - because the lighting will be great! The very next day, I counted the weeks till my shoot.... 11 weeks - It was then I decided to join the 12WBT. I want to ENJOY my photo shoot with my family without worrying about my double chins, how many layers of shapewear I have on - if my fat rolls out over my spanx..... I want to be able to look at my daughters face, smile and laugh and have a beautiful picture to show for it.
The biggest thing that will drive me through Michelle Bridges 12WBT is the knowledge that I am having this photo shoot. It will be up to me to work had, eat right, train hard..... but if I do, I will have a beautiful family portrait, and a beautiful photo of my daughter and I that will last a lifetime. That should get me through some rough patches!
Check out my friends website - she is truly talented, and works in Eastern Victoria and Melbourne. http://www.alicecampbellphotography.com/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/
For anyone looking to take the plunge - why not check out Michelle Bridges 12WBT - it just might change your life!! http://www.12wbt.com or https://www.michellebridges.com.au/
What Mr. Grey taught me......
So today, I read it - THAT book, the one that all the women (and some of the men) are reading. It isn't a work of literary genius, but a fun and cheeky read - but this isn't a book review. Believe it or not - I actually discovered something about myself.
The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another. Then it hit me........
I was married (technically still am - separated 2 years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.
I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.
I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.
The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another. Then it hit me........
I was married (technically still am - separated 2 years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.
I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.
I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.
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