Learning to feel my emotions

So the other day, I had a bit of an epiphany moment (these are happening really quite frequently nowadays!) It was Sunday afternoon, the house looked like a bomb had gone off, I was doing a bit of a cook-up for the week ahead and trying to figure out how to modify the 12WBT recipes to make them allergy friendly.

Since finding out about Miss J's allergies, I have been very conscious that the house needs top to tail spring cleaning, de-cluttering and extreme organisation to help keep the allergens to a minimum. I have been doing bits from an online organising challenge, starting with hidden things like inside cupboards. I'm about 5 days behind on the daily tasks, and the house is NOT looking more organised, in fact, it looks like a bomb hit it. So put me in the middle of mess, trying to cook, feeling guilty about getting behind in my study, my housework, my washing - and the kids were in a happy-hyped up mood making lots of noise, and I was over it all!

Usually, I would go mental - I'd yell, and make everyone else feel miserable for not contributing to helping me look after the housework - but I didn't. I allowed myself to feel it - examine it, try to work out what I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, and I realised I've been feeling it all week. Spending all my spare time out doing fencing was great for the calorie burn, great to help me get some sun, it had me feeling awesome and full of light. Then I'd walk into my messy, neglected house, too tired to do anything, and I'd feel immediately burdened.

So on Sunday, while I'm trashing the kitchen trying to do a huge cook up, feeling overwhelmed with the enormous task ahead of cleaning the house and get on track with study the ex, Mr CK walks in. He can see I'm upset and asks why. I tell him I'm feeling totally overwhelmed with all I have to do, and don't know how I'm going to get it done. He does whatever he came into the house for, and leaves. I don't feel any better, until I see the kids wandering outside with a basket of washing to peg out. I go out to see what they are doing. Master D tells me, Dad said you were feeling overwhelmed, so he asked us to put on a load of washing and to peg these out to help you feel better. We want to help you.

It was in that moment, that I realise, that sometimes, asking for help doesn't make you weak - which is what I had believed my entire life, sometimes, it even allows the people we love, the opportunity to help us.

The house still looks like a bomb has hit it, in fact, it's worse than it was before (because the kids have decided to de-clutter their rooms, and they have pulled everything out of everywhere - bomb city) but I am feeling slightly less overwhelmed by it all, because I know that I have help if I need to ask for it.

What Mr. Grey taught me......

So today, I read it - THAT book, the one that all the women (and some of the men) are reading. It isn't a work of literary genius, but a fun and cheeky read - but this isn't a book review. Believe it or not - I actually discovered something about myself.

The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her  (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another.  Then it hit me........

I was married (technically still am - separated 2  years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.

I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.

I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.