Love

This morning's blog post about the changes my family are making in our diet because of my daughter has gotten a lot of feedback through facebook. I've received messages from people I didn't know read my blog, and they have been overwhelmingly supportive. I'm feeling humbled by some of the wonderful things that they have said, but feel it's a little unwarranted - as I am sure most of them would do the same for their children.

I just wanted to say, all I'm doing is focussing on the solution - Love. I love my family, more than anything on earth, and I am learning day by day, to love myself. Changing our diet, exercising together and our daily yoga practice (which are far more challenging than I'd have expected and I'm feeling some serious DOMS today) aren't really sacrifices for me - because I know that all these changes will benefit the people I love - including myself.  Sometimes in life, we need to stop looking at the hardships in our life, stop looking at the traumas and dramas, and focus on the solution.  LOVE <3

Day 1 of my 12WBT!

So today is the day! It is my first day on 12WBT - I have to say, I'm really excited about it. I was out of bed before the alarm, and off to the kitchen to make breakfast/lunch for the family (who are my support crew - and are following the eating plan with me) with a song in my heart and a  skip in my step.  The day had started on exactly the right note - and I was excited!

While I'm sharing everything, I must disclose my rather unconventional living arrangement. I live in a house on a farm, with 2 of the most amazing children {Master D. almost 12 and Miss J, 10}  that God put breath into. Outside, attached to my garage/workshop is a little flat, that my estranged husband {Mr. CK} lives in. He is a workaholic who doesn't spend the hugest amount of time at home, and this arrangement works for us, as it means he gets to spend time with the aforementioned amazing children, and for the last 2 1/2 years, this arrangement has proved to work very well for my odd little family.

So back to today...... I wake the children for breakfast, and Miss J drags herself from bed, with a sore tummy and a headache {not unusual for my girl, who is a sick child who misses approx 10 weeks a year of school through illnesses and surgeries} telling me that she really doesn't want to go to school today.  This already throws me off my game, as I hadn't pictured my day with Miss J home. Then Mr. CK comes into the house from his little flat, telling me there is a fresh cow turd on his doorstep, this means there has been a cow in the house yard overnight. This is putting me in a bit of a shitty mood..... so Mr. CK is outside looking for the elusive cow, I'm inside with a sick girl, and trying to get Mr. D organised for school - the cow isn't located, and it's assumed that it made its way back to the paddock...... I make breakfast for everyone but me, and lunch for the menfolk and send them on their way.

With the fellas out the door, and cuddles with Ms. J done for a bit I make breakfast and sit down to eat it, while working out my day and how I'll get training in with Miss J home. Breakky was pretty good, and Miss J was insistent that she'd be ok while I was off on my bike for half an hour, as she had her phone, I had mine and I could be back in a couple of minutes if required. So off to the shed to grab my bike.....

When my bike comes out of the shed, it has 2 flat tyres, and my pump was broken! As mentioned, we live on a farm and I have no desire to go to town today. I ring Mr CK to see if he has one, and he does not, but reminds me that I had to drop a friends birthday present to her today, and that she would have one.  He was right, she did...  and I was again happy. However while I was there dropping off presents and collecting pumps I got a call from Miss J. There was another friggin cow out of the paddock! In the 6 minutes it took me to get home, there were 3 cattle out. So without my sprained, sore ankle in the brace I'm supposed to be wearing, I chase the cattle, with sick Miss J for 20 minutes. My ankle is really hurting by this stage - but we get the cattle contained (albeit one next door).

I come inside, and I'm already buggered, I call the cattle owner, let off some steam and then slump down on the couch. It is at this point, the old me would have given up on the thought of training today..... and the new me had that thought briefly too - but I did not!  I went outside, I pumped up my tyres and I went for a ride.

When I got home from my ride, I asked Miss J to come out into the sun with me while I completed the outdoor circuit from the 12WBT plan. She came outside, she told me which exercise to do, in which order and she cheered me on when I needed it.

Yesterday, this beautiful soul watched me cry after seeing photographs of myself  in underwear.  Master D tried to console me by saying "Mum, you're not fat", Miss J told him, "don't lie to her - she knows she is fat, but she will never be this fat again because she's going to fix herself".  Today, she watched me resist the urge to quit, she watched my muscles tremble as I did push ups, squats, tricep dips, she did burpees with me to encourage me - she watched me with pride in her eyes. It was at the very moment that I saw how proud  my beautiful, strong, fit, healthy and athletic little girl is of her obese Mum, struggling to make it through a workout - I can NOT fail at this. It isn't just my life that has been affected by me becoming an obese, unhealthy and unhappy person - it affects my family. The old me, the me that died yesterday when she saw those photo's, she would have quit - she would have taken the sick child, the cattle, the flat tyres, the broken pump and the sore ankle - and used them as an excuse. The new me needs to be a role model for her son and daughter - because now I know what it looks like to see pride in her eyes and I think I'm addicted to that.

Photos and tears

I took the photos tonight. My beautiful daughter pointed a camera at me while I stood humiliated in bra and panties, fat hanging out there for the world to see. I looked at the photos, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have never been more sickened by a photo. I guess by avoiding mirrors, and not being naked, I haven't had to acknowledge what I really look like, and by 'dressing for my size', and 'flattering my curves' I haven't acknowledged it at all.

The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.

I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see.  I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!

I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different.  I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!

Bring it on!

What Mr. Grey taught me......

So today, I read it - THAT book, the one that all the women (and some of the men) are reading. It isn't a work of literary genius, but a fun and cheeky read - but this isn't a book review. Believe it or not - I actually discovered something about myself.

The female character in the book Ana, is 21, gorgeous and has the perfect body - she becomes involved with a man who is besotted by her  (there is more, but this is really all that is relevant to me). The author used her internal monologue to set her up as a naive girl, whose brain is in constant overdrive, who is constantly doubting herself, who has very poor self esteem and most of all is a terrible communicator. She thinks things that she finds it impossible to say to this man. I got quite annoyed at this gorgeous woman, for constantly doubting his feelings for her - as these doubts and insecurities were born from her low self esteem. What right did this educated, beautiful THIN and perfect young lady have to feel bad about herself, why couldn't she open up to the man who loves her - to communicate instead of thinking one thing and saying another.  Then it hit me........

I was married (technically still am - separated 2  years) when I was very young. I was only 22, but I was in love with a good man, so I didn't care that we were kids. I held back the dark part of me, the part that wasn't happy, who had zero self esteem and thought she was no-one special, because if he saw the real me, he would leave. My beginning a relationship holding back forced me to hide things. I began a relationship thinking things about myself, but never saying them. I was this annoying girl in the book...... constantly doubting myself, wondering why he loved me, thinking one thing and saying another. It made me a terrible wife - and the longer we were together, the harder I found it to communicate my true feelings about anything. No matter how much two people care for each other, if they can't communicate within a marriage, there really isn't a marriage.

I have been incredibly depressed of late - wondering if I will ever have real love, and if I will ever be able to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. I really don't think that I could love anyone who wanted the me I am right now - because I don't like me very much a lot of the time. I don't have any answers or ideas on how to help with this process, but I'm hoping I find them along the way while finding myself.

I am doing a lot of planning and thinking about my goals as part of the 12WBT, and one of the goals I have in my long term goals, is to be happy enough, and confident enough in myself to want someone to love me. Better still, I would LOVE myself! I'm hoping Mish and my new friends can help put me on the right track.

Coffee with epiphanies,

So today I had coffee with a friend who I haven't seen for 14 years. We had a wonderful time catching up, and I really enjoyed her company. She's quite like me, neither of us are happy happy joy type people, not over the top with bubbles and we kind of have a darker sense of humour, but I would call us both modern day hippies.  We met when we worked together at the bank many moons ago - and it was obvious neither of us were set out for such monotonous work.

When I knew her in my old life, she was working at the bank, and studying for her second uni degree. As a 20 year old I had so much respect for her, for working her ass off to get what she wanted and always admired her. Skip forward 14 years and she is happily married to the man she had just started dating (a rather spunky bank boy) and they have 2 beautiful kids. She is working part time, and studying again! She's doing her masters degree in alternative therapy, and I can see, this is exactly what she is supposed to be doing with her life.

My first question to her was 'how on earth do you have time to do it all' - her response was simple.... 'I don't know, I just do'. She then admitted to a great support network and super scheduling abilities..... but ultimately I saw how she does it,  - she really wants it. It was in that moment I had a small epiphany, my friend has the same amount of time as me in any given day.She has obligations, and obstacles, she has younger children, one still not at kinder, and 2 jobs. She travels an 8hr round trip to work 2 days a week in her new field, and still has time for her family and other jobs. So how does she fit it all in, when some days I feel barely able to find the time to do my homework or cook dinner for my kids?

To me, it's simple. She has passion - she knows exactly what she wants, and she MAKES time! She makes it work because she wants it so badly. It is in this moment I realise, my excuses don't just stop me from eating well and exercising - they stop me from living the life I want to live. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't do things, and start working out how to make them work. We all have the same number of hours in a day, and it is how we decide to spend them that determines who we are. My friend spends her time working her ass off to follow her passion. I spend mine making excuses about why I can't do things.

I have decided that I need to examine ALL of my excuses, not just the ones that are holding me back with my health, diet and training, but also the excuses that are holding me back in my life. I will find my passion, and when I do I will pursue it - excuse free!

The next pre-season challenge in the 12WBT will have me setting goals, this is something that until recently would have seemed entirely pointless, because I don't set goals and I don't achieve the ones I do. For days now I've been thinking about my goals, my training goals, my goals for the type of foods I want to eat, the weight loss goals, the fitness goals - but after my chat with my friend, I'm thinking about other goals too. I'm starting to think about the things I like, the things that interest me, and the things that one day could be my passion.

So no more excuses in any part of my life - I need to find my passion, set my goals and work out how to achieve them!

New Beginnings

I am new to the world of blogging, in fact this is my first ever blog post.

Writing this blog is difficult for me, in order to begin typing I have eaten half a bag of chips, some chocolate all washed down with a coke. I am terrified of the road ahead, and the thought of blogging about my life, my insecurities, my weight and my emotions frightens me, and inevitably drives me to eat.

Anthony Robbins (the American life coach and Author) states that change only happens when you will not tolerate things staying the same. There are so many things in my life that I can't live with any more - things that can't stay the same. I am obese, I am unfit, I am sick, I am constantly tired, I am not the best mother I can be, I am full of self hatred, and worst of all - I lack passion for my life. These things must change! I can no longer participate in a life, where I lay on my couch in a messy house feeling too tired and much too sick to do anything else.

Yesterday I signed up to participate in a program to help me regain my health, it is a program that will teach me about all aspects of health. I will expand on my knowledge about nutrition, and it will teach me about exercise and mindset. I tend to eat my emotions rather than feel them. My biggest hope is that the program will help me learn to feel my emotions, removing my desire to eat crap food to suppress them. I don't exercise - I hate exercise. I have had limited successes in the past with exercising, I lose weight, feel better, then I fall of the wagon, hate myself and eat the weight back on.

I also make excuses. I'm too tired, I lack motivation, I don't have time (my favourite - considering the amount of time I spend lying on the couch), the kids need me, it hurts too much, my fibromyalgia is flaring, I deserve a treat, I can't afford the gym, it's easier not to......... it never stops - and I'm full of shit! When I think about how lazy I am I despise myself - why would anyone like who I've let myself become?

The first pre-season challenge on the programme is to list my excuses - and then write a solution for my excuse. It isn't an easy task, if I analyse and admit that the things that have been holding me back are excuses, not reasons - then I will have no reason not to succeed. I have become a master of self-sabotage over the years, with every step forward, I take two giant leaps back. This will require thought......

In the next 16 weeks, (12 week challenge and 4 week pre-season) I hope to find myself. A better version of myself, a happier, healthier, fitter, skinnier, sexier version of myself. I will do my best to follow the program, and to not sabotage myself - because I will not tolerate continuing a life without passion!