Day 1 of my 12WBT!

So today is the day! It is my first day on 12WBT - I have to say, I'm really excited about it. I was out of bed before the alarm, and off to the kitchen to make breakfast/lunch for the family (who are my support crew - and are following the eating plan with me) with a song in my heart and a  skip in my step.  The day had started on exactly the right note - and I was excited!

While I'm sharing everything, I must disclose my rather unconventional living arrangement. I live in a house on a farm, with 2 of the most amazing children {Master D. almost 12 and Miss J, 10}  that God put breath into. Outside, attached to my garage/workshop is a little flat, that my estranged husband {Mr. CK} lives in. He is a workaholic who doesn't spend the hugest amount of time at home, and this arrangement works for us, as it means he gets to spend time with the aforementioned amazing children, and for the last 2 1/2 years, this arrangement has proved to work very well for my odd little family.

So back to today...... I wake the children for breakfast, and Miss J drags herself from bed, with a sore tummy and a headache {not unusual for my girl, who is a sick child who misses approx 10 weeks a year of school through illnesses and surgeries} telling me that she really doesn't want to go to school today.  This already throws me off my game, as I hadn't pictured my day with Miss J home. Then Mr. CK comes into the house from his little flat, telling me there is a fresh cow turd on his doorstep, this means there has been a cow in the house yard overnight. This is putting me in a bit of a shitty mood..... so Mr. CK is outside looking for the elusive cow, I'm inside with a sick girl, and trying to get Mr. D organised for school - the cow isn't located, and it's assumed that it made its way back to the paddock...... I make breakfast for everyone but me, and lunch for the menfolk and send them on their way.

With the fellas out the door, and cuddles with Ms. J done for a bit I make breakfast and sit down to eat it, while working out my day and how I'll get training in with Miss J home. Breakky was pretty good, and Miss J was insistent that she'd be ok while I was off on my bike for half an hour, as she had her phone, I had mine and I could be back in a couple of minutes if required. So off to the shed to grab my bike.....

When my bike comes out of the shed, it has 2 flat tyres, and my pump was broken! As mentioned, we live on a farm and I have no desire to go to town today. I ring Mr CK to see if he has one, and he does not, but reminds me that I had to drop a friends birthday present to her today, and that she would have one.  He was right, she did...  and I was again happy. However while I was there dropping off presents and collecting pumps I got a call from Miss J. There was another friggin cow out of the paddock! In the 6 minutes it took me to get home, there were 3 cattle out. So without my sprained, sore ankle in the brace I'm supposed to be wearing, I chase the cattle, with sick Miss J for 20 minutes. My ankle is really hurting by this stage - but we get the cattle contained (albeit one next door).

I come inside, and I'm already buggered, I call the cattle owner, let off some steam and then slump down on the couch. It is at this point, the old me would have given up on the thought of training today..... and the new me had that thought briefly too - but I did not!  I went outside, I pumped up my tyres and I went for a ride.

When I got home from my ride, I asked Miss J to come out into the sun with me while I completed the outdoor circuit from the 12WBT plan. She came outside, she told me which exercise to do, in which order and she cheered me on when I needed it.

Yesterday, this beautiful soul watched me cry after seeing photographs of myself  in underwear.  Master D tried to console me by saying "Mum, you're not fat", Miss J told him, "don't lie to her - she knows she is fat, but she will never be this fat again because she's going to fix herself".  Today, she watched me resist the urge to quit, she watched my muscles tremble as I did push ups, squats, tricep dips, she did burpees with me to encourage me - she watched me with pride in her eyes. It was at the very moment that I saw how proud  my beautiful, strong, fit, healthy and athletic little girl is of her obese Mum, struggling to make it through a workout - I can NOT fail at this. It isn't just my life that has been affected by me becoming an obese, unhealthy and unhappy person - it affects my family. The old me, the me that died yesterday when she saw those photo's, she would have quit - she would have taken the sick child, the cattle, the flat tyres, the broken pump and the sore ankle - and used them as an excuse. The new me needs to be a role model for her son and daughter - because now I know what it looks like to see pride in her eyes and I think I'm addicted to that.

Photos and tears

I took the photos tonight. My beautiful daughter pointed a camera at me while I stood humiliated in bra and panties, fat hanging out there for the world to see. I looked at the photos, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have never been more sickened by a photo. I guess by avoiding mirrors, and not being naked, I haven't had to acknowledge what I really look like, and by 'dressing for my size', and 'flattering my curves' I haven't acknowledged it at all.

The cold hard reality stared up at me, and I have to be honest, it was actually quite shocking. I know I'm fat, but I really didn't have any idea what I looked like. I didn't realise just how fat I actually am. It hit me really hard, I am huge, really hideously fat - and so terribly bumpy, lumpy and awful looking. I have barely stopped crying in the last couple of hours.

I guess that is why Michelle wants us to take photos of ourselves in our underwear, because really, there's nowhere to hide once you do. There is no more denial, no more pretending - you have to acknowledge what you see.  I have a friend in the program, she's an awesome support to me - she's put it in perspective for me. She simply said 'You'll never be that size ever again' - and that was all I need to move forward - happily!

I will never be this size again, and at the end of the 12 weeks, my ugly nearly naked photos that caused me so much pain, will just be a comparison alongside pictures of me looking very different.  I will NEVER be this size again, the person in those photos dies today. Tomorrow, a new, happier, healthier and stronger me is being born!

Bring it on!

More set backs!

Imagine my devastation at having a fall on Thursday and rolling my ankle! Only days away from my start date for the 12WBT and I'd rendered myself useless. The doctor doesn't want me to run on my ankle for a month to six weeks. I have the perfect excuse to sit on my ass and not train - but for some reason, something in me has already changed, now I want to be able to train.

I'm not sure what has switched in me, what has made the change in my thinking, as I haven't even started the program yet, and already I feel different. I feel like I deserve to be a better me, and I want to do well with my first round. I'm a bit of a geek, and the thought of seeing my numbers change is sure going to help keep me motivated. 

Today, I woke up, slathered my ankle with comfrey, strapped then braced my ankle and wedged it into a sneaker. I jogged/walked my 1km time trial, in just over 10 mins (10.12) and did it holding the hand of my daughter. She is very proud of me for not making excuses, and I must admit, I'm a little proud of myself too. For the next month I'm going to listen to the doctor, and I'll do bike/boxing work to get my heart rate up, but I'm glad I went for a jog with my little girl today. 

This afternoon, the kids and I will do a cook up from the week 1 menu, and then I'll do the nasty photo task and take measurements. I'm going into this with the attitude that I can't possibly fail if I set myself up for success!  This time I will JFDI!!!!

Wish me luck!

Finding my mojo

I have been really sick for almost a week. I've not gotten out of bed for days, which is very unusual for me. Today, despite still feeling like crap and coughing up a lung - it was a better quality of crap. It is a beautiful day here today, the sun is out and the birds are singing, so me and my not-as-crap-as-yesterday cough decided to go for a run.

 I did have to stop several times to  hock up a lung, but I do have to admit, I feel much better than before I left. I managed to run/walk 5.2km in 57mins, burning 625cals..... not a bad effort for a newbie to exercise.

 If you'd told me a few weeks ago that I would actually WANT to go for a run (especially when I had such a great excuse not to go) I would never have believed you.

I believe I may be starting to find my exercise mojo - and believe it or not, I'm quite excited to go to the gym for my PT session tomorrow! Who'd have thought it!!!!

Now that I'm back, and the exercise endorphins have worn off, I'm feeling sick again, and after a shower - I'll need a rest to get through the afternoon, but I'm really proud of myself for not using being sick as an excuse! I just frikken did it!

Coffee with epiphanies,

So today I had coffee with a friend who I haven't seen for 14 years. We had a wonderful time catching up, and I really enjoyed her company. She's quite like me, neither of us are happy happy joy type people, not over the top with bubbles and we kind of have a darker sense of humour, but I would call us both modern day hippies.  We met when we worked together at the bank many moons ago - and it was obvious neither of us were set out for such monotonous work.

When I knew her in my old life, she was working at the bank, and studying for her second uni degree. As a 20 year old I had so much respect for her, for working her ass off to get what she wanted and always admired her. Skip forward 14 years and she is happily married to the man she had just started dating (a rather spunky bank boy) and they have 2 beautiful kids. She is working part time, and studying again! She's doing her masters degree in alternative therapy, and I can see, this is exactly what she is supposed to be doing with her life.

My first question to her was 'how on earth do you have time to do it all' - her response was simple.... 'I don't know, I just do'. She then admitted to a great support network and super scheduling abilities..... but ultimately I saw how she does it,  - she really wants it. It was in that moment I had a small epiphany, my friend has the same amount of time as me in any given day.She has obligations, and obstacles, she has younger children, one still not at kinder, and 2 jobs. She travels an 8hr round trip to work 2 days a week in her new field, and still has time for her family and other jobs. So how does she fit it all in, when some days I feel barely able to find the time to do my homework or cook dinner for my kids?

To me, it's simple. She has passion - she knows exactly what she wants, and she MAKES time! She makes it work because she wants it so badly. It is in this moment I realise, my excuses don't just stop me from eating well and exercising - they stop me from living the life I want to live. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't do things, and start working out how to make them work. We all have the same number of hours in a day, and it is how we decide to spend them that determines who we are. My friend spends her time working her ass off to follow her passion. I spend mine making excuses about why I can't do things.

I have decided that I need to examine ALL of my excuses, not just the ones that are holding me back with my health, diet and training, but also the excuses that are holding me back in my life. I will find my passion, and when I do I will pursue it - excuse free!

The next pre-season challenge in the 12WBT will have me setting goals, this is something that until recently would have seemed entirely pointless, because I don't set goals and I don't achieve the ones I do. For days now I've been thinking about my goals, my training goals, my goals for the type of foods I want to eat, the weight loss goals, the fitness goals - but after my chat with my friend, I'm thinking about other goals too. I'm starting to think about the things I like, the things that interest me, and the things that one day could be my passion.

So no more excuses in any part of my life - I need to find my passion, set my goals and work out how to achieve them!