Major setback

Tuesday, I was so proud of myself, I'd kicked some ass at the gym, come home and done a great yoga session with Miss J and felt fantastic.

When I weighed in yesterday, after WWW (wake, wee, weigh) I had lost 1.2, I was stoked - and I know that ass kicking workout, made the difference in my numbers. Then it was time to get the kids up for school - Master D had been up several times through the night with gastro. His temp was way up... I hate it when he's sick, it doesn't happen often, but it hits HARD and he's very clingy.

I got a phone call from my mother, my great-uncle, had a major stroke, and is now totally paralysed down one side, and Dad's surgery is next week. Nanna (great uncle's twin) is a complete mess, and I'll need to help out with her while Dad's in Melbourne. Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!

I had my Nanna live with me for a year a couple of years back, and it was hard. We had to renovate the house, right down to things like taps (her hands don't work well) and the shower (she couldn't shower herself and we had staff in to do that) and moving furniture to accommodate her walking frame. Looking after her, is a huge amount of work. She had her first heart attack at 50, and has spent the last 42 years declining in health every day. Her quality of life, is crap, and it is very hard to watch someone deteriorate, but continue to make the same lifestyle choices that got them there in the first place.  Her twin brother, is the polar opposite, until only 2 weeks ago, he was waking up, walking 5km to get the paper, grabbing a latte 'down the street' and reading his paper, walking back home. Red wine with dinner, still had his licence, still lived alone and was the picture of good health. He  is who I aspire to be like when I am older, his good health and positive attitude to life, something I hope to emulate. I haven't spent the hugest amount of time with him, but he's my favourite great uncle, and he's an extraordinary man - who I love and respect very much.

A couple of weeks ago, he had a turn, and was told he can't live alone. He was put into nursing care. Tuesday night, he had a major stroke. A stroke has taken out his mother and several siblings, and I'm quite sure it will be the end of my Uncle too. I fear for how my Nanna will cope with the loss, and fear that may be more than she can bear.

My Dad, has been fighting cancer for a few months, and we've been waiting for his surgery date, it's next week, which is good news, but I can't be there with him. I need to be looking after Nanna. Mum will be with Dad, so that is ok, but I wanted to be there too.

So all this news yesterday, while I was looking after my sick boy, was more than I could handle. I hit the chocolate, then for dinner, fish and chips. I think I ate around 2000 calories in junky shit food. I can't believe that at the first sign of trouble I will revert to these patterns. I felt like crap, and completely useless and worthless. What kind of stupid idiot can't see that food isn't going to fix anything. Eating shit food doesn't help me, eating shit food makes me feel like crap! Last night, I was oh-so-sorry for myself. I felt awful, I had pain flare ups, my fibromyalgia wanted to remind me why I shouldn't eat crap. So in addition to being upset, feeling bad for my family, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what was going to happen - I felt guilty, stupid, worthless and in pain.

The girls in one of the 12WBT support groups were there with wonderful words of support, and I want to thank them all for the good ju-ju, love and positive vibes they sent me. They all know what I'm going through, and many have used food as a crutch at times, so they knew what to say to make me feel less guilty, stupid and worthless - the pain.....fibro isn't as forgiving as friends are!

I stepped on the scales this morning to see what my sugar/salt binge has done, I followed weigh in procedure WWW - I'd put on 1 whole kilo. Gutted! I am hoping that it is some fluid retention because of all the salt I binged on. If it's not, I'm hoping it's lesson learned. I am really needing a good workout, and I'm hoping beating the crap out of the heavy bag might help me deal with some of the emotions.

I want to thank my friends, my online friends, and my 12WBT support friends. The messages, the love without judgement, has been invaluable. Thank-you. x