Beach Fun and happy snaps

So today my son walks into my room with his shirt off, and immediately I see his hard work. On a normal weight loss regime when you lose fluid, fat and muscle you can't see 2 kg, but on the protocol, because all you lose is abnormal fat 2.2kg is a lot of fat - it's 5 pounds.  He has lost it from his chest and his stomach and after a week on the protocol, he looks really great.

I'm so proud of him for sticking so well to the protocol, without excuses or complaint.  He even bought lollies from the school canteen on Friday for his sick sister, bartered for different lollies at the bus interchange and didn't eat a single one. He is starting to expend more energy as well, wanting to do more.

This morning we decided to go for a walk before it got too hot, so we headed to Lakes Entrance. As soon as we get there, we totally ditch the idea of a walk and head directly to the beach. The kids play in the water, while I try to capture some photos.

My bestie is embarking on her own happiness project this year, and last month one of her challenges was to post at least 10 selfies on social media - 2 without a filter. She's challenged me to do the same. It's not an easy thing to do, particularly if you're not the happiest with how you look - but I agreed. Since this year is about pushing myself, I even decided to do a selfie a day as part of the challenge (which Renee has no idea about yet - surprise) so apoligies to those who follow me on social media for all the selfies - especially since I'm also doing FMS photoaday for February.

After all the photos, I stood in the water, watching my children play talking with my ex. I had an overwhelming desire to go swimming an was lamenting my clothing choice - as I had no bathers. I stood and chatted to him for a few minutes, enjoying watching the children play and the wonderful feeling of sand beneath my feet and waves lapping at my ankles. Just thinking. Thinking about how lucky I am.

I took my hat and sunnies off handed them to Craig and ran into the ocean. For the first time in a long time. Fully clothed. It. Was. Awesome.  The kids stood behind in the whitewash cheering me on and as a wave approached, I dived in - no fear. I'd forgotten the pure joy I feel when swimming in the ocean. I then proceeded to ride a wave to the kids feet...... I haven't bodysurfed since I was 15 years old - but today I felt the same joy as I used to feel as a teenage beach babe.




I might have 20 years on the teenager who practically lived on the beach, but she's still in there. Today I remembered that - and it made me happier than I've been in a long time. When I got out of the water and was sitting on one of the kids towels, my boy comes to me and says - I'm so glad we're sticking to this protocol Mum, even though it's hard I'm seeing the reward, you have more energy to do cool stuff with us.  My heart melted.

I was playing with my daughter who can't go in the water because of an ear infection, and I pulled a calf muscle.... I can barely walk, and am currently sittin on the couch icing my injury. Gotta say, funnest injury ever - and it can't ruin my happy mood.

Today is a truly happy day, hope you are happy too.

M x

Taking responsibility

So I came to a realisation tonight. Most people don't own their weight gain and health issues. They make excuses. It's hereditary. I have a slow metabolism. I have a thyroid issue (this was my fave as I do have a thyroid issue). I just can't lose weight so I've stopped trying. All excuses.

I think the little excuses we make every day are the ones that keep us big. For example, at the moment, I'm on a total elimination diet. Essentially all I'm eating is meat and green veggies. No dairy, no grains no nuts, legumes or seeds and no sugar. My son is on the same protocol as me, and I've gotta say, we're kicking goals - I'm at 4.5kg and he's at 2.2kg lost this week, and we both feel fabulous - I mean hard core awesome. Bursting with energy.

I know wheat is no good for me, but last night after a week of virtuous eating, I decide I want home-made dim-sims from the local take away. I know what's in them, and they're not bad for me, right. I mean all they are is pork, onions and soy in dim sim wrappers......   so I talk myself into it, despite the nagging voice in the back of my head screaming STOP THERE IS WHEAT IN THAT. I don't listen. I inhale three of those bad boys.

This morning I weighed in (I'm doing it daily on the protocol checking for signs of daily inflammation) and I weigh 900g more than yesterday. I didn't put on a kilo of fat overnight, so I know it's inflammation - why? Because despite knowing I can't eat wheat, I did. My excuse was that it was homemade and I knew the ingredients, so it was ok. It was not ok.

So excuses are bad, letting ourselves eat things we know are bad for our bodies is bad. Eating our way to bad health - is not cool!

So once and for all, I'm throwing away my excuses.

I am fat because of years of abuse to my body.
I am fat because of hundreds of thousands of sugary calories.
I am fat because I obsessed about my weight - and NEVER considered my health.
I am fat because I drank far more alcohol than I should have. 
I am fat because I told myself 'just one won't hurt'.
I am fat because every time I put junk in my mouth I said 'everything in moderation'.
I am fat because I ate from boxes, fast food chains and didn't know better.
I am fat because I didn't love myself.
I am fat because I didn't want to educate myself.
I am fat because I had no self control.
I am fat because I took the easy way out - the convenient way out
I am fat because I blamed others for my weight, saying it was hereditary
I am fat because I believed all my excuses





I don't believe them anymore.


M x

Back to the declutter #happinessproject

Today I came home from work a couple of hours early with a massive headache. It takes a lot for me to bail out on work, but my head honestly feels like it has a jackhammer inside. I suspect this may be because on the protocol's phase 1, I've cut back carbs and sugars to almost none. I've also had no processed foods for 3 days - so I'm probably in MSG withdrawal!

Sitting on my couch looking out at the beautiful rain, I decided to declutter my inbox. This is a task I've been putting off for over 18 months and has been a nagging voice in the back of my mind for quite some time.

I started with unsubscribing. An arduous task when you have at least 100 different subscriptions! One by one I removed myself from mailing lists I am no longer interested in. I deleted their emails. As the time passed (yes, this has taken me around 3 hours) I started to feel a weight lifting.

It's funny how we let little things build up, usually to a point where they begin to overwhelm us. I have been feeling overwhelmed at the thought of doing this for such a long time, and it turns out it wasn't so bad. I feel liberated from the mountains of emails that come in each week - most of which I just left sitting in my inbox unread.

So how bad was it that it took over 3 hours? I unsubscribed from around 120 newsletters and sorted over 3500 emails. Most of which went in the bin anyway. My deleted items folder has over 2600 unread emails!!! I'm not sure why I let it get this bad, or why I was so overwhelmed at the though of performing this task, but I know I feel a lot happier now it's done.

I am feeling much happier now - and I am really starting to feel free from clutter. I am nearing the finish line for January's project happiness tasks, and I'm honestly starting to feel better.



So despite sitting here with a headache, I still feel pretty great. I think declutter month is really helping my state of mind.  Maybe I'm decluttering my mind!

Hope everyone else is having a happy day!

Love to you all

M xx

The path to happiness isn't always easy.

Overall, the happiness project is going really well. Last week was just a little less productive than I'd anticipated, due to the record heatwave, with temperatures between 43°C and 46°C, a double brick house and an ineffective air-conditioner. Many of the decluttering tasks were ignored, while the kids and I spent most of our time locked up in the only room that has air conditioning.

Sleep was also a problem, as my room was around 25°C to 35°C at night. The lack of sleep for over a week has affected my mood, and I'm feeling quite lethargic. I was rising at 5.30 every morning to tend to the animals before it got hot, and it was torture going out later in the day to check on them again. We only lost one chicken in the week, so I guess that's very lucky given the conditions.

Yesterday I met a friend at the pool to have a swim. The kids had a wonderful time playing on all of the inflatable equipment, giving my friend and I a wonderful opportunity to catch up after quite a while between visits. Another friend came over last night to watch a movie with me, and we ended up having a wonderful chat until almost midnight. I feel very blessed to have such wonderful friends, and one of my goals for the year is to spend more time doing things with them, and less time interacting with them via social media.

Today, I woke with a terrible headache, that was niggling at me last night, and a sore ear. I suspect I got water in the ear yesterday, and I'm hoping I don't end up with an ear infection. Spending the day with a pounding headache isn't a great way to start a happiness project day and really affects my happiness level. It's allowed some anxiety and concern to creep into my head also, which is not conducive to happiness.

A major part of my project is to work on my health. To nurture my body, mind and spirit. I am happy to report that I am trying much harder to fill my body with good wholesome food, filled with good nutrients to help repair my body. However, with the good, I'm still overindulging in the bad. yesterday at the pool, I hit up big on sugar, eating far too many lollies. The sugar is affecting me today, every muscle in my body is hurting, I'm tired, lethargic and as I previously mentioned, not as happy as I'd like. 

As my three loyal readers would already know, I have lost a lot of weight, mostly with 'programs' that I don't really like anymore. I still beat myself up for handing all of my power over to another person, especially one who is giving information out that is outside the realm of their education level. I vowed never again to do a program or take nutritional advice from a Personal Trainer. Especially one that advocated for the use of foods in the program that I knew were toxic to my body, and were in stark contrast to the foods that a nutritionist had been telling me to eat.

I'm still a very big believer in exercise, but only for fitness, toning and to make me feel good. I do love the endorphin rush I get after a run, or the fun I have playing tennis or going for a swim. I don't believe that it has a lot to do with weight loss, unless it's done in extremes like I was doing a couple of years ago. On my first round of 12WBT, I was eating the very strict 1200 calorie diet, which left a lot to be desired - and working out for up to 3 hours a day. I didn't lose a great deal of weight (although 12.5kg in 12 weeks is nothing to sneeze at) but I lost an awful lot of cm. 97cm to be precise!! The majority of the fat I lost during these workouts, was unfortunately, the wrong type of fat.

The body has 3 types of fat. Structural fat, which is the fat your body needs and uses, to protect your organs and is the type found on hands, feet, arms and legs and the fat on your face, neck, shoulders etc. then there is reserve fat, which is the fat that our body has historically used to be burned later. It's the stored calories from the excess food we ate throughout Spring and Summer to help us get through the winter. Then there is abnormal fat. It generally collects around the middle. It is not required for the body to function, and it's the fat that is the precursor for many diseases, including diabetes - of which I have a strong family history.  It is also the LAST type of fat your body burns.

So when I did 12WBT and tried various other programs, ate the wrong diet, worked out far more than I should have and lost enough cm to make me start to look different, I was still fat. I lost weight from my face, my neck, my chest and under my boobs (you could see my rib bones under my boobs!!!) my arms and my legs. You could see muscles and bones in places. I showed my before and after photos to friends, who all commended me on my super efforts - but no-one mentioned the elephant in the room...... or the one around my stomach.

You see, even with a 1200 calorie starvation diet, and 2-3 hours of exercise a day, I didn't lose the abnormal fat from my belly. Granted, it did get smaller - because I burned off all the reserve fat, but the abnormal fat stayed there stubbornly. Calorie in Calorie out programs don't deal with the types of fat, just that if you expend more than you consume all the fat will go away. This is obviously not true!

I have been studying the works of an Australian Nutritionist for over a decade, she has been practising for over 30 years. She's also studied Anthropology and Pre-Med - so she knows a lot about human evolution and biology. I trust her. I am doing a protocol, that while it seems is controversial, is built on the principles of nutritional medicine, orthomolecular medicine, and tailoring your diet to foods that your body can handle.

She is a very outspoken woman, and has taken on the Australian Heart Foundation and other medical practitioners for their support of using low fat, low calorie and processed foods. She has earned the respect of some of the countries leading nutritionists and she travels the country and the world educating people about food and how to use it to be healthy, happy and filled with energy.  She has NEVER taken a pharmaceutical drug, not even a panadol - and she has her own probiotics and supplements made for her company, as she wants them all natural and organic. She is an amazing woman.

If you're interested in learning more about Cyndi O'Meara and her programs, products or articles, her website is here or you can follow her on facebook here - I can guarantee, you'll learn lots!!

Yesterday, I began a protocol to target my abnormal fat around my middle. As with a lot of programs/protocols, I was advised to begin with taking measurements and photos to help track my progress. The protocol also requires daily weighing which terrifies me - sudden weight gain is usually a sign of inflammation which is caused by food intolerance. I have done my before photos so many times now, and I have a bunch of pretty after photos that show all my hard work. Then the weight comes back, and it's time for another set of  before photos for the next program.

The reason I'm scared, is because I don't want to fail at THIS protocol. The protocol itself is incredibly difficult and requires willpower like I've never had to have before. It has a high failure rate as many people can't stick to the protocol. It is hardcore and intense by anyone's standard - and that scares me. 

I never had faith in Michelle Bridges as a person - I believe she's profit driven, and my anecdotal knowledge of the program  is that it has a high failure rate. Of the hundreds of people I know personally who have done the program, only 2 have managed to keep the weight off after 12 months. This doesn't disappoint me, as I didn't like the program when I was on it, so wasn't surprised that people gain the weight back - it also makes me feel slightly better about my own failure to maintain the loss I had on the program.

However I do believe in Cyndi, and have followed her for 10 years, I've read her books used her recipes and followed her online. I believe in her protocol.  If I fail at this, I can't say it's because the program is flawed, because it's a brilliant protocol. There is hardcore science to back it up, and the results some people have achieved are phenomenal. If I fail at this, it's on me. That terrifies me.

I know that by the end of the day today, I will have a brand new set of 'before photos'. I will record my measurements. I hope it's for the last time ever. I am scared. I am terrified. I am so anxious. Sometimes the path to happiness, is paved in pebbles - and we need to walk it barefoot.

The reason I'm sharing this with my three loyal readers, is because sometimes when we share our anxiety with others, or our fears - we realise we're not alone. Others share them with us. Even though I feel all alone right now, I'm hoping that there are others who understand my fears, and maybe they'll be here along the way to support me.

Ultimately, I hope that this protocol helps me to find some more energy, more vitality and overall, good health. If I end up with a super schmexy body - that's honestly a bonus!

I'm hoping the feelings of vulnerability pass - and I really need a hug - so if you have any spare love or hugs to send into the universe for me, I'm waiting with open arms. 

Love to you all,

M x

EDIT:  I have taken the photos and it was hard. Really horrible in fact. I think my before photos this time are even worse than the ones I took 18 months ago. Of course I'm upset and in tears - it's a painful thing to have to acknowledge. I really need hugs now!

Onward and upward - the road to happiness isn't paved in feathers.

Decluttering and Gratitude

Project Happiness is well on track. I can genuinely say I feel happier. I'm actively practicing gratitude for the blessings in my life. I'm decluttering my home, simplifying and feeling less overwhelmed. I still have things I would like to focus on, like improving my energy levels, and exercising - but I'm happy with my progress so far.

The declutter is going very well. The kids are involved in the project, Miss J it turns out is a Decluttering Yoda. She has wisdom far beyond her years. Her brilliant plan of attack, is to empty a cupboard entirely - and take the contents to another room. Have a box in the other room for recycling, donating or disposing, and only take back to the cupboard what you need to keep.

I have to say it worked brilliantly, we did the bathroom and kitchen cupboards in the loungeroom, and halved what was in some cupboards. Now, things don't fall out of the plastic cupboard when the door is open - in fact, we made room for the new ice-cream maker and the yoghurt maker!


Unfortunately, the house looks an absolute mess at the moment, behind the cupboard doors, things are good, but the halls are now filled with boxes of crap to sort for disposal. Some will go to the op-shop, some will go to the tip-shop and some unfortunately is beyond salvage. I will be glad when it's gone and I just need to keep plugging through sorting the clutter and ignore the mess.

I had planned on starting on my bedroom tonight, but I'll admit I'm quite tired. One of the commitments I made to myself is that I won't push myself too hard, and I'll be kind to myself. Instead, I've just perched myself up on the bed with the computer for a little relaxation time and Kevin McCloud's new show. I am allowing myself time to do things I want to do, like watching awesome sustainable architecture shows - without guilt. I don't watch much TV, and when I do, I feel guilt that I could be doing something more productive. I won't do that anymore - I am being kind to myself.

I still have low energy, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm doing so much, or because I am full of toxins from my bad diet of late. I feel sluggish of thought also, and think a detox is in order. I know how amazing I feel when I detoxify and fill my body with nutrients.  I haven't planned a detox menu yet, but it almost certainly means I won't be sticking to my $21 challenge this week!  When I detox, I'll do a post about the detox, and give progress updates about it.


My favourite part of my day, every day, is the 10 minutes immediately after I wake. I have been using this time to be thankful for the blessings I have in my life. I am not a religious person, but I do believe that there is some divine power that I refer to constantly as the universe. I thank it for my healthy family, my beautiful home, how much better I feel, that I have the energy to do the things I do, for my good health, for my family and friends, for my best friend, for my charmed life.

I think when we all take the time to acknowledge our blessings, we really can't be anything other than happy. Most of our blessings as Australians are given to us, just by being born into a wealthy country, we all have houses, cars, fridges, electronics, and a damn lot more 'things' than we need. Most of which we're not really grateful for. I spend time now wondering and learning about what my life would be like if I were born in another country, and it's scary. Life would be very different if I were born as a girl into many developing countries. I am grateful that I, and my children have never known poverty. I am grateful that my children know how lucky they are, and have a desire to help those less fortunate than us.

The declutter and gratitude are making me feel happier. Project happiness is on track. I am blessed.


Hoping you're all full of joy and happiness.

M x

Good friends and happiness

Sometimes happiness is just doing nothing - and doing it with friends. Today was one of those days for me. It was truly wonderful.

I had plans to meet a friend and her kids for coffee at a local playground. The kids played happily while we sat and caught up. The topic moved on to happiness, and we are both resolute that this year, we are working hard to find our happy.

My friend is well traveled, and I am not. We have decided to plan a trip together, as I'm nervous at the thought of travelling alone to a foreign country alone. We haven't really decided where we would like to go, but we're determined to just do it.

The last month, while I've been off work has been wonderful for me, tripping round the farm, doing what I want, hanging out with the kids. I've enjoyed every moment. However not working means I have to be careful with finances. I do fine and don't really go without, but I can't really afford an overseas trip. So I'm not sure how we'll manage it, but I've put it out to the universe that I really want to travel this year!

After a wonderful Indian food lunch in the park, my friend and I part ways. I had planned to visit another friend at her farm to see her beautiful baby goats. I had a lovely catch up with her and her hubby while wandering around their beautiful farm. Discussions again moved to work life balance, and I mentioned how wonderfully happy I am when I'm at the farm, but how I'd like a couple of days of work for things like travel and the little luxuries I can't afford at the moment.

After I left S&J's farm, I came home. My phone rang as I walked through the door. A friend from my old place of employment called me to see if I was available to do some work with her department. I had promised myself I wouldn't go back to work until the end of the holidays - unless I could get work in this particular department. In fact, I've been seeking work in this department for 6 months. A few months ago I was having a hard time at work, and the people in this department were amazing, they supported me through the whole thing, and have kept in touch even when I've been working in other branches. It really was an offer too good to refuse.

I feel like things are all dropping into place for me because of my Happiness Project. I'm finally putting it out there, what I want, and it's happening. The trip with Ms J really seems like it's possible now I'll be back at work. The flexible hours will help me have a healthier work life balance than I had in 2013. The farm will help me live a greener, more sustainable life. My friends and family will bring me love and happiness.

2014 is looking to be a wonderful year. I am so grateful for that.

Hope you are all feeling happiness today.

Mx

Richard Simmons enters my Happiness Project

Sleep has evaded me again, for the 4th or 5th night in a row. I genuinely tried, going to bed at 9.30 but I didn't get to sleep until around 2.30 all the same. So suffice to say, I didn't wake up in the happiest of moods - more like the 'I've been hit by a Mack truck' kind of mood.

My beloved boy made me a coffee, and served it with a big hug - which instantly improved my mood. I went out to feed the animals, and of course the sun and chickens gave me some more energy. When I'm very, very tired my fibromyalgia plays havoc with my body. I'm in intense pain from the moment I get out of bed, if I'm lucky, the pain gradually dissipates throughout the day. Some days, exercise helps, some days it hurts. It's cold and windy here today, and despite the sun peeking out, it's not really a go for a run kind of day. So in the spirit of fun, Miss J and I decided to do a Richard Simmons DVD.

Let me tell you something about Richard Simmons, he is a kind and loving human being, that radiates love, positivity and fun from his pores. You can't watch him talk, or dance, or do a class, or tell a story, without smiling. You can't do one of his DVD's and take yourself seriously. You just can't. I think the reason I think he's wonderful, is because he's a former fatty, who worked it out. He is determined to help as many people regain their health as he can, using fun and laughter to do so. You barely feel like you're working out, it's more like you're at a crazy disco theme party!

Miss J and I had a ball, dancing and giggling, working up just a little sweat. Right up to the point she pulled a hustle muscle..... so we stopped. Probably no more than 10 minutes into the DVD. I ran her a bath, she relaxed, and I decided we might have a lazy day watching some movies. With no judgement from myself for not completing the entire workout - because it did what I needed it to do. It gave me an energy boost and made me feel happy.

I'm in the mindset that if I don't feel happy, I can only 'fake it till I make it' for so long. It's ok when I'm really, really, really tired to not feel bubbly and energetic. It's probably quite normal to feel a bit down and tired after not sleeping in days - so why pretend to be bursting with joy. Instead of being hard on myself for 'being lazy' and not doing jobs off the ever expanding chore list, I spent a few moments thinking about how I was spending time with my kids, listening to my body, and I was relaxing and enjoying the gorgeous Mr. Redford. I am determined to be kind to myself this year, and that means not reprimanding myself for deviating from the plan or schedule.

I hope everyone is happy today, and if you're not - I hope you're being kind to yourself.

big love

M x

Happy New Year!!! #happinessproject

The fireworks in Lakes last night were lovely. I took the kids to the 9.30 show, and we were home in bed by 10.15! I couldn't sleep, so I got up at Midnight and watched the Paynesville fireworks from my lounge room. A very quiet way to see in the New Year, but I did so knowing I had a big day today.

The cleaning and organising are going well - we're tackling small sections of the house. I have a cupboard, filled with jars and bottles. I have 2 fowlers preserving kits and about 60 jars, old wine bottles that I use for my home-made laundry liquid old gherkin jars and old passata bottles. They were in no order, and were strewn around the house in boxes, as well as in the hallway cupboard.

With the use of a $15 metal shelf from Bunnings and 8 $4 archive boxes from the Office supplies, they're all in order. They're all in the one place. That makes me very happy. It's a wonderful feeling to have something organised that has been annoying or upsetting you for a long time. We now have room in the coat cupboard for all the egg cartons that were being stored in the hallway, along with bulk toilet paper stores and there's spare room for more bulk foods. 

So I genuinely do feel a sense of relief at sorting, organising and decluttering these things. I'm looking forward to a January of overhauling the house. Purging the crap from my home, to make way for good things to come in. The before and after pics aren't great, so I keep opening the door when I pass by to get that little rush of 'oh it's so organised'.

I took the kids to see a movie to celebrate. I am a major dinosaur nerd - I've always loved them. We went to see Walking with Dinosaurs at Lakes Entrance. I laughed and cried my way through the whole movie while one of the 2 other mums used her phone the whole way through the movie, and another slept while her kids climbed the walls and made a racket. She then woke up and make the kids leave half way through the movie.

I felt so bad for the other two Mums who were there, they really missed a great movie. They also missed the opportunity to see how their kids enjoyed the movie. It made me truly happy to see my kids giggle and laugh watching the movie. It was wonderful. My kids drive me completely insane sometimes, but I also love them more than anything. They are a huge source of happiness to me.

So I plan to start my sleep plan tonight. I'm going to bed early, no TV no computer - shouldn't be hard to get some sleep after 3 nights of no sleep. My to do list is getting massive - I'll need the rest.

I hope everyone else had a happy day and that my friends all find what brings them their happiness.

M x

New Year New Me - 2014 is the year of my Happiness Project.

It's been forever since I've blogged. Today is New Year's Eve, tomorrow is a new year, a clean slate, the chance to start fresh. I know many people make resolutions, usually breaking them around Jan 2nd - but this is going to be different. I will make very few resolutions or statements about what I want to achieve this year - just a promise to myself to commit to a yearlong project and to be kind and forgiving to myself in the process, especially if I trip up along the way.

Ultimately, I will spend a year devoting time to my own happiness. I am not an unhappy person right  now, in fact, I'd consider myself a reasonably happy person. I lead a charmed life. I have a beautiful family. I live on a gorgeous farm. I enjoy the comfort of a warm bed at night and food in the fridge, and I enjoy a life lived simply. 

So why do I want to embark on a Happiness Project if I'm already happy? Because my life isn't always filled with happiness, and sometimes I'm dark and moody, and when I'm angry and cranky, my family usually bear the brunt of my moods. I also think I could be more appreciative of the life I lead and think that gratitude will lead me to be more happy. I want to focus on my relationships with loved ones, my health and energy, my organisation around the home and spending time with nature.  I'm currently re-reading the book The Happiness Project - by Gretchen Ruben after a friend bought it.  http://gretchenrubin.com. Each month I will have new action items, tasks and projects some from the book, some because I want to.

 For January, I plan to declutter my home, work on my energy levels and sleep better. I'll be using the book and internet to research ways to work on each task.  After a kitchen audit, I've also decided to do a weekly food challenge from  http://www.simplesavings.com.au, the $21 challenge. Essentially spending only $21 on groceries for the week and using what is currently in your kitchen. My weekly savings will help me fund a trip to Perth next month. 

One thing I have promised myself that I won't do is starve myself, follow a stupid meal plans, despise my body, work out 3 hours a day, eat low-fat, low-cal or chemical foods - over the last 2 years, I have done all of these things. NO MORE!!! I  am going to love my body, and treat it with respect, feeding it foods that will give me energy and vitality. I simply refuse to spend another day depriving myself in the name of vanity, or under the guise of health *read as skinny*. From here on, I'm going to stop hating my body - and be happy with it.

 To quote Tim Minchin....

This is my body

And I live in it

It's thirty-five and six months old

It's changed a lot since it was new

It's done stuff it wasn't built to do

I often try to fill it up with wine

And the weirdest thing about it is

I spend so much time hating it

But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body

And it's fine

It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

It's not perfect, but it's mine  

Time to be happy with me, inside and outside. Bring on 2014 and my happiness project.

So today I will spend the day reading and planning, and making the most of a day of relaxation. Tomorrow, my clean slate is looking full! Time to declutter, it's a big job, but I'm really looking forward to it. 

Happy New Year to you all, and I hope 2014 brings you your own happiness.

M x

What is holding me back - Excuses!

Since yesterday's blog I've had a few people say to me 'You write exactly what is in my head'.... I'm thinking today's blog may just be one that a lot of people identify with.

I love pre-season, because the first of the tasks makes you face up to all of your bullshit excuses. I have a truckload of them, some bullshit - some genuine. Still. After all this time I still make excuses if I don't want to do something. For the last several months, I have not wanted to eat well or exercise, and I have a mountain of really valid 'reasons' not to do it. They're legitimate reasons....right?

Looking back I'm not too far off being the woman who 12 months ago started this blog after signing up for 12WBT last year. I couldn't look in a mirror and the few times I braved reflective surfaces, it usually ended in tears. I spent the vast majority of my time sitting in a house that was so chaotically disorganised I was in a constant state of sensory overload and overwhelm. Simply walking through the door was enough to send me into the fridge to search for solace. I was so tired, all the time - completely unable to do the simplest of things without getting tired, deep down into my bones kind of tired. I was not the mother my children deserved - I spent more time in front of a screen than I did spending quality time with them. My fibromyalgia was a constant source of pain, chronic pain that was with me every moment of every day - my head was a fog, my brain unable often to preform the simplest of cognitive functions. Worst of all I hated myself for the shell of a person I was.

Fortunately - I am not back there completely, but it shames me to say, I'm not too far away from it. My house is less chaotic (mostly due to getting some domestic help) my kids are getting much more of my time and screens in all forms are getting far less. One major thing that is keeping me from falling back into the hole is my job. My job has also been my biggest excuse as to why I am like this again. I guess the other thing thing that keeps me from falling completely back into a pit of self-hatred for allowing myself to become a pathetic shell of a woman is how I felt last year.

Last year I got off the couch. Last year, I threw away my excuses, I followed 12WBT - I lost 12kg, I trained daily, sometimes for 2 hours - I learned to run. I lifted weights, and I felt great. I was a workout machine. I went from being an overweight blob with less than zero fitness and a dodgy heart.  You see just over 3 years ago, after a major car accident, my heart stopped, several times. This lead to a stay in a CCU, a cardiologist, an electrophysiologist, tilt table tests, and the possibility of a pacemaker at the ripe old age of 31. So when I say I had zero fitness and a dodgy heart I mean I was too scared to even break a sweat walking in case I had a heart attack. So I am not back THERE - I know my heart is strong, I know my body is capable....but any desire to become the workout machine left the building when I started back at Uni at the start of the year.

What stopped me - my excuses. Some of them were actually probably valid enough to be called reasons, but most of them were excuses. At the start of the year, I started back at Uni full time - and with 2 Aspie kids and a farm to look after, the full time study consumed every second the kids and animals didn't take up. Then about a month into the study, my now employer calls me in for an interview. I had already been knocked back for a job by the organisation twice, and was sure I had no real chance of actually getting the job, so I thought I'd do the interview for practice. I was still feeling pretty good about myself at this point and decided, 'What do I have to lose'? So I got the job, which is casual, but with pretty much full time hours. I cut Uni back from full time to part time (and have actually taken a semester off) and work is starting to slow down after 4 months.

Living out of town, and having kids who travel to town for school I need to be there to get them on the bus, and I need to come home when I've finished work because it's dark. That primarily became my excuse to stop. It is valid - and I can't actually see any way around it. My daughter and I even tried getting up at 6 a couple of times to go for a run, but it was pitch black and really dangerous - so it lasted all of 2 days.

My fibromyalgia is really playing up - and mostly I know it's because of what I put in my mouth. A lot of mornings I'm so intent on getting the kids a good healthy lunch and getting them on the bus that I forget to make my lunch, which inevitably leads to me to buying shit for lunch. I work in a big office for a small city - but it has all the good stuff, soft drinks, chips, chocolates and lollies. We all know that if we have a big KFC binge for lunch, that by afternoon tea break we need sugar to get through the afternoon. Sometimes, I need one an hour after lunch. The more sugar I eat, the more I crave, the more I need.... then I eat more sugar to help my brain work, to help me get through the day - there is just not enough sugar to satiate the craving. I try and of course then I feel like crap - I know it's 'bad' it's 'wrong' to eat these foods, so then the food guilt starts - followed by the pain. People with fibromyalgia shouldn't eat sugar. It causes pain. It stops pain. Briefly, while you're sugar buzzing... the pain goes.

Last year, I really enjoyed looking at my excuses, because ultimately most of them were just bullshit excuses. Made up because I was fat, lazy and ate my emotions. I watched the video online and then proceeded to spew out my excuses - then easily found solutions to the excuses. This year I have not done this task. I have thought about it a lot, and have pondered the solutions to why I will have a hard time getting around my excuses this year.....  I will do it. I have to say,  it really is a lot harder to find solutions to your excuses when they are legitimate reasons. This will not stop me. My job is keeping me off the couch, putting me back into the real world - but it's also keeping me from training when I'm used to. I will work out how to work around work - work around and include kids - and hopefully get a few workouts with the Warrior chicks, because I know we've lost our mojo, but I also know we'll find it again.

Now, I'm off to make a list and to work out some solutions - before the next task is unlocked tomorrow!

Friends or Acquaintances?

I quite enjoy blogging, I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps because I feel like I'm 'getting it off my chest' or maybe just because it helps me to process my thoughts and feelings. One thing I am sure of is I love knowing that I'm not the only person who gets benefit from my blog. A lot of the feedback I receive is from people who don't want to comment publicly on the blog for one reason or another but they still want to tell me how reading my blog has affected them personally.  That is why I guess I write this blog. To share the love, to share what I learn.

Yesterday's post got a great response. I am struggling, that is common knowledge - and I feel quite alone at times. In this world of social media we are usually surrounded by people, followers, fellow pinners, tweeters or bloggers - so we have millions of friends around us, right? When we have a problem, our friends all stop what they're doing, they close down instagram, they stop pinning, they don't tweet  - they call you, or text you or message you to find out what's wrong and how they can help. When you have hundreds of friends on facebook and you're having a shitty day people and let the world know, friends let you know they care......don't they?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because when you feel all alone, you start to wonder - do I really have any friends? Or do my friends just have so much going on they don't have time for me? I like to think I'm a good friend to people - if I think they're upset, in pain, struggling, need help, need a laugh or need anything - I'm there for them. So why don't they have time for me? I think it all comes back to social media - people being 'friends' with everyone, but not being there for anyone.  Maybe we've become conditioned to believe pressing 'like' to acknowledge that we've seen a post means we actually care? I am starting to look at the individual relationships I have with people and trying to decide if they are really friends. I am starting to see many are not.

Some friends you see are acquaintances. People you occasionally spend time with, usually in a group setting and have a laugh with - usually you have a shared or common interest.  Acquaintances are a lot of fun, but not really friends. They don't care much if you've had a bad day, week, or month - usually because they're too busy with all their other acquaintances, you know all 685 of their 'friends'. Often they'll even do nice things for you - especially if it gets them a tweet or status update or an awesome instagram in return - because let's face it, nothing in this world really exists until it's been acknowledged publicly. It's like my biggest pet peeve - people who donate to charity for the qudos. I think a lot of good deeds done by acquaintances are done only to receive acclaim from other acquaintances.

It turns out - since yesterday I have discovered I have a lot more friends than I thought.  I have had calls and messages to let me know that they're still there for me. To let me know they miss me and that they love me. To let me know they are there to help me. Conversely, I also have seen quite clearly that I have many more acquaintances than friends. They happily continued to ignore my pain - because the sweet siren song of social media called strongly to them, and it was more important than me. To some people I am just a 'friend' on facebook - one of many hundred people that they can share a reality they've created where they are the worlds greatest family, living in the worlds greatest home, cooking the greatest food, being the greatest parent........ you all know the type. In reality, they're nothing like the illusion they create - but desperately seeking approval, likes, comments etc.  I don't want to be a number - someone to like their picture, someone to get jealous of their perfect children, or their perfect home - I want to be me, a person - who is valued and loved.......

So how does this realisation affect my journey toward good health? Easy - any road is easier to travel when you have friends travelling with you. Instead of spreading my time as thin as a crepe by giving time to friends and acquaintances - I am taking the time to work out who falls into which category. The time I have to give will be given to my friends. The ones with who I have emotional reciprocity - the ones who care if I fail or succeed. The ones who love me. The ones who compliment me privately because they notice changes - not the ones who do it publicly to be seen as a supportive friend. The ones who genuinely want to see me succeed. The ones who don't just take, but the ones who give.

So what does this all mean - will I go cold turkey on social media, will I stop looking at photos of peoples kids, homes and families? Will I stop caring about my acquaintances? Will I 'un-friend' everyone on facebook because they don't love and support me? Shit no!!!! Some of my acquaintances are the coolest and most fun people I know. I love spending time with them. For the most part, I love seeing the things they post. I love laughing with them and sharing mutual interests with them. All it means is this - I will try to remember 'friends' aren't friends. I shall endeavour to spend less time on social media. I will give the majority of the time that I used to give to acquaintances to real friends. I will do my damndest to support the people joining me on the road to Wellness.

Today I really want to thank some true friends - both old an new. Each of you has told me things about how this blog has helped you and I really appreciate you letting me know.

The one who is always there - Thankyou. I still can't believe this blog is where it all started.
The guy who adopted me - Thanks for telling me that I was your inspiration to live healthier
The girl who is Darcy's Mumma - Thanks for telling me you love the blog and that it inspres you
The one who paints - Thanks for always responding to my posts - and coming for coffee when I'm sad - I love our chats
The foodie who invited me out Friday - thanks for letting me know you feel alone too P.S - I think Friday night sounds great....I'm working on making it happen! ;)
The one who sparkles - thanks for letting me know my blog helped you to look at your drinking - I love your honesty and hope you are doing well
The one with the Miss Indi  - I love knowing you read and it starts conversations between us all the time!
The one with the needles - you are always there when I need an ear, you are awesome


I'm sure I'll upset a couple of people with this post - and perhaps people will think it's about them specifically. It's really not. I think I'm just fed up with a world where people think 'friends' are more important than friends. I plan to make sure my friends know how much I love them. I think then I will be able to approach the next 16 weeks of my life with less baggage knowing the difference between friends and acquaintances.

Finally to my friends - knowing I have you when I'm struggling is what keeps me going. I hope you know that there is unequivocal reciprocity. I would do anything for you guys.

M x

A big bag of crazy

Today I am a big bag of crazy. My first thought when I woke was 12WBT. I decided I was going to weigh myself officially for pre season launch - so I did the usual wake, wee, weigh - and then spent the next 10 minutes sitting on the side of my bed, bawling like an idiot.  I then proceeded to watch the Welcome Video that was launched today on the site.... and began to yell at Mish like a crazy person when she said that 'we're all in this together - and we're a family'.

You see, the headspace I'm in, I'm pretty much alone - I have my kids of course and I have my bestie who I can spill all my feelings and crazy to - but aside from that, I'm pretty much alone.  In reality, we're all pretty much alone, lets face it, with all the junk we have going on in our lives, does anyone really have the time to care about my Nan dying, or me not getting my dream job, or me having all my shifts cut at work, or me having a fall causing me daily agony, or stressing about Dad's surgery.... of course not. They're all to busy worrying about their own stuff, kids, jobs, depression, craft, weight problems, marital problems..... we all have our stuff. So when my real family and friends don't really have time to worry about my trivial problems why would Mish. So it's apparent, I'm already in a shitty headspace going in. I'm not a moron, I know that ultimately 12WBT is a business, there to make money, but then I'm reminded by said bestie after about 3 insane messages this morning - yeah, it is a business, and she doesn't care about you personally - BUT THE PROGRAM WORKS.  She has lost over 50kg on the program, I have lost 12 on the program, we have seen people in the 30+ crew who have lost well over 50+ kilos. The program works. So I will lean on Mish, the program, the bestie and the 30+ team and the Warrior Women - I will do everything I can to support the other people going through the struggles I am, because perhaps their friends have stuff going on as well.... perhaps they need someone to lean on as well.

So the bestie 'Ms R' right. The program works - at the moment I don't. So I need to work on that. My mind is totally in the wrong spot. I had to go into town this morning, and I needed to grab a couple of things from the supermarket. I walked in the door and all I could see was the things I couldn't have - so now I know where my head is..... it's in deprivation mode. Whenever I'm in deprivation mode, I don't see wonderful wholesome nutritious foods in front of me, the foods that will heal my body and make me strong, fit and healthy. Shit no! I see the cheezles I can't eat, the lollies I can't consume, all the packages and boxes that I'm not allowed to eat out of convenience after a long day at work. I see the coke I'm not allowed to drink. That still breaks my heart. (side note - this morning, while I was in the shower I asked my baby girl Miss J to tip out the remnants of a bottle of coke and thought of you smiling Tan.) While I'm in deprivation mode, everything is harder. I don't focus on the can's but the can not's.

I remember for me last time I did 12WBT the changes I underwent in preseason. I am trusting the program - I am going to do all of the pre-season tasks, and I am going to try my hardest. I know I won't be perfect and that I'll slip up on the way, but I know I'm capable of being more than I am now.

Wish me luck this time round guys, I'll need it. To Ms R, the 30+ crew, and the warriors - I will try my hardest to be there for you to be a shoulder for you. I know it's hard when we have stuff going on in our lives, but I will do the best I can.

Now I'm off to check out the first pre-season task...........

M. xx

Never say never!

I am not good at failing. I have very high expectations of myself - and I don't like it when I don't meet them. With my weight I have not met them. Last year, when I began 12WBT I was not a happy woman but  I did pretty well. I lost over 12 kg and I lost nearly a metre in measurements from my body.

12 months on, and I am 1kg less than I was when I started. Those of you who know me, know I've had a hard time recently - and that I'm using all the old crutches to cope. Last time I did 12WBT I had issues, and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do another round, but to be honest - I've hit rock bottom again. Last time I felt like this it was Michelle who helped me to find some mental clarity, throw away my excuses and JFDI.

I seem to have found a whole lot of excuses with the extra weight - and I need to let them go. I was blessed to meet my dearest friend through the program, and she has promised to do it with me - so I have an accountability buddy joining me on the journey.

I am going to try to blog more as a way of staying accountable to myself, family and friends. Tomorrow is pre-season kick off - tomorrow, it all begins! Let's hope this time I find the what it takes to stick with it.

I never thought I'd go back to 12WBT or any program to help me lose weight or become healthy again.... I was so confident that I had it all under control - good thing I believe in never saying never!

Are you ok?

So far, all my posts on this blog have been about me. This one isn't.

One of my dearest friends, my sister - not by birth but by choice, the other side of my coin...... is struggling. In fact, she's been struggling for quite a while now. I have been aware she wasn't herself for a little while, but I've been so busy I haven't really taken the time I should have to check in on her.

Today I did. I had a feeling she wasn't doing so well. My beloved friend is suffering from depression - she is in the pit of an all encompassing sadness, and is filled with anxiety and despair. Tonight I let her know that she is not alone. Many of us have been through this. I am there for her. I love her.

I know that these words are just that.... they're only words. But when you feel like you are alone, sometimes these words are really enough to make you see that you aren't alone.

I love my friend so much, and I wish I could take away her pain, of course I can't - but I would if I could. She has seen me through so many trials in my own life, and has helped me to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it seems. She is so strong and she is such an inspiration to me and many of our mutual friends. Soon I hope she can look in the mirror and see the amazing woman that her family and friends see when they look at her.  More than anything I wish I could hug her and tell her it's going to be ok. Sometimes, distance is a bitch.

If you have a friend who you think might be struggling, ask them "Are you ok" - and if they're not..... talk to them. Let them know you care. To someone in the pit of depression, sometimes knowing you're loved, is the first step up. 

Putting myself first

I am still struggling. I'm working more than I'd like, getting behind with my studies because of family upsets - my Nanna is dying and it's affecting my children and myself in a way I didn't think it would. I feel in a constant state of stress, and I don't know what to do about it.

I have started working in the Libraries which I love, I'm constantly surrounded by some of my favourite things, books and enquiring minds! The problem I have with working in this wonderful environment is that I see all these amazing books I am so keen to read, but I can't because I have to come home and study.

* - I want to take time to prepare the amazing foods I used to make, but when I get home, I'm exhausted, so I throw together food for convenience, because I know I still have about 4 hours of study in front of me.

* - I want to exercise, knowing that it will give me energy to cope with my day, but I can't find the 2 hours of time anymore to get to the gym every day.

* - I want to spend more time with Nanna in the nursing home in her final days, but by the time I'm finished work, she's too exhausted to see visitors.

* - I  want to watch my daughter at netball, but the two nights a week she does netball, I'm at work, so her father has to take her.

* - I want to pick up a book off the shelves at work, and read for joy, for pleasure and because I am interested in something - and if I am not enjoying the book, I want to be free to put it down without consequence.

* - I want to spend more time doing things at the farm, playing with my animals,  and put my hands in the dirt again.

All of these things that I can't do are things I did, all the time - I trained daily, I cooked amazing foods, I read for pleasure, I attended every game, I saw family and friends whenever I pleased.

The thing that changed me from doing to wanting, was getting a job. I briefly considered going back to full time study, as it afforded me the time to do all the things I wanted, and had me feeling in control of my life. But the reality is, I enjoy most of my job, and I enjoy the financial independence that it affords me - so it stays.... but perhaps  I need to look at the hours I work.

I am aware that I really need to put myself first. I need to take the time to do the things I love, to garden, to eat, to play, and to explore the world. I want to have coffee with my friends, I want to exercise and to feel good about myself again.

So I made a decision - the thing I have in my life that I would miss least is University. While I enjoy what I'm learning, essentially I was doing the course to help me learn skills to help me live a more sustainable life, to get a great job that I enjoy, and to help me learn practices to improve the farm. I decided I can learn anything I want when I work in a library - without exam/study stress, I have a great job that pays well and that I enjoy, and  I don't need a Bachelor of Science to help me on the farm!

So I am taking time off from Uni. I'm putting myself first. I am going to take the time to balance my life. Hopefully, come September, I'll get a permanent 3 day position at the Library which will give me 4 days a week to have the life I want!

I realise I'm not the only person struggling at the moment - several of my wonderful Warrior Women (a fitness group I'm a part of) are having a hard time too, some are slightly off the track - others couldn't find it with a detailed map. I am hoping that we can all find a way to put ourselves first, to find the time and to find our collective mojo's. Perhaps we need to work on a group plan/challenge?

Have I learned anything?

So my life is sucky at the moment. One would think looking from the outside in, that it was in fact awesome, new job, new friends - I look happy, and of course I'm always smiling and cheerful. If only the illusion represented the reality!

I do feel lucky to have my job, lets face it, in a town like mine, to work in a job like mine, for the money I earn, it's as good as it gets. But getting up for work each day is a chore - I drag my sorry tired ass out of bed, fall asleep in the shower, try to make myself look presentable, drink at least 2-4 coffees and drag myself into the office.

Now working in an organisation with over 400 people is hard - you need to very quickly learn the organisational structure, who does what, who to direct enquiries to, how to operate new computer systems,  half the time, I feel like I'm drowning! The other staff in my department have been wonderful, helping me out and teaching me things on the run, and I'll forever be grateful that these women are working so hard to make my life at work a little easier.

As most of you know, my children are 11 and 12, and for the first time in my life, I have had to leave them with other people for school holidays. Every day on the way to work for the last fortnight, I've done so with tears streaming down my face, feeling like a failure of a mother. The thing about being a full time student is, you're always available to your children when they need you - but being at work, you can't. Things slip, balls drop.

I constantly feel like I'm doing a shit job, shit job learning at work, shit job at Uni, shit job with keeping up with my house/garden, shit at being a friend. The more I feel like shit, the more I try to comfort myself. At work it's sugar, lunchtime it's meat, fried foods, more sugar and cigarettes, then I come home - way too tired to cook and eat more shit food, drink beer and smoke some more cigarettes! I'm too tired to study, and have fallen asleep with a book on my face more times than I can mention - and I've only set foot in the gym twice in a month.

I honestly feel like I haven't learned anything in this past year - the weight is coming back on, and I'm feeling every bit like the person I was a year ago. The fat lazy bitch living her life on the couch, the woman I fucking hated. I began this year at 100.0 kg, and I swore black and blue I would NEVER allow myself to get back there, I was doing so well, I'd almost hit the 80's for the first time in 15 years! This morning I weighed in at 99.9kg. I'm gutted.

The new me, the one I've spent a year becoming, she'd be working on a plan, a juice fast, a diet plan - she'd get off her ass, get off her bed, close the computer and she'd just fuking do it..... but she's not here. The old me, she's here, she's tired and she doesnt want to do anything. I hear the new me in my head, screaming at me to do something - but I'm so tired.

Add to all my poor me woes, my Dad isn't doing very well and my Nan is very sick. I know it's really hard for my Mum to cope with it all, and I'm so busy with working and the kids and the house and study and feeling like crap, that I'm not able to help her out. That fills me with even more guilt. More guilt means more reason to shove shit in my mouth. More shit in my mouth makes me feel more shit........ I really don't know where to go from here.

I guess it's just one day at at time, right?

Lisa Curry's Wisdom......

Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing Lisa Curry speak in my small rural town. She made no apologies for the fact she was sponsored, there was full disclosure about who they were, and they were well represented. We listened to some stories from the road trip her and her partner have embarked on, in an attempt to help people find the motivation to improve their health.

I found her to be open and honest, really down to earth and I felt she had an honest desire to help change people's life. She didn't try to flog her program (she really only mentioned it twice) but she did talk of the heartbreak of seeing family members battle obesity, cancer and other disease. I truly believe her motivation for this trip is a desire to see the country, spend time with her spunky young man - and help as many people as she can along the way!

There was a lot of standard motivational spiel.... you can't want it to happen, you have to make it happen.....but delivered with good humour, and lots of dropped names (even Lady Di - I was impressed)... and with lots of great sporting stories. I enjoyed her take on self motivation.

Yesterday, I watched my first episode of The Biggest Loser in about 4 years. I saw Michelle Bridges screaming at and belittling morbidly obese people in a gym. I was upset and angered to see it. I don't care if she's told to do it by the producers, or if she's trying to change her brand to 'hard-ass' - yelling at a fat person, and trying to humiliate them will NEVER help them improve self esteem.

Lisa spoke of how it's possible to succeed with love, self-respect, and respect and love for team-mates or friends who are on the same path. She told a great story about how her rowing team's coach was asked instead of yelling at the team to get them fired up before an event,  could he tell them he loved them, was proud of them, and that they were amazing. He did - he told each woman he loved her, that she was awesome, and that he was proud of her. The team hadn't had any real success, and hadn't really trained enough - but when the coach gave them the talk, told them he loved them and that he believed they could do it - they went out and won!!!  - I loved that story!

Some of the most important things I took away from the talk were

1. Sleep. You must get good quality sleep - the lack of it will leave you unwell. (I'm currently very sleep deprived, and feel very ill - and that is after only 4 nights)

2. Make time for yourself. You are the most important person in the world. Not your husband, not your kids. YOU are the most important person in the world. You deserve time to look after yourself.

3. Your family is important. Take the time to spend with your family, do fun things, do silly things, do crazy things, make every day you spend with them count!!

4. 'Goal weights' are just numbers. Everyone's ideal weight is different - you won't know what it is until you get there. Instead of having a goal weight, aim to be the fittest, healthiest you!

5. If you have a choice  between fat, and 'low-fat' (which is ALWAYS sugar) choose fat. Fat can be burned, and doesn't affect blood sugar in the same way or contain chemicals.

5 Chemicals make you sick - the chemicals in our food and personal care products make us sick. From allergies to cancer things like shampoos, deodorants  spray tans, low fat foods, artificial sweeteners
  processed bleached flour - all make you sick!!! She suggested an app called Chemical Maze (which I'm yet to try) She then made her point by showing the artery of a smoker. It was in a state of severe arteriosclerosis  (hardening of the arteries and blocked arteries) - caused by smoking, and the chemicals in cigarettes.

6. PH and Oxidisation - These things I have spent a long time researching. I could go on about them      forever.

The body cannot work efficiently in an acid state, acidic foods create an excess of acid not only in the stomach and the entire digestive tract, but right down to a cellular level in the body. A body in an acidic state cannot fight illness, and people in an acidic state will more than likely be sick.

To change your body's state from acidic, you must ingest Alkaline foods - green juices, wheatgrass, spurilina,  vital greens, green vegies, fruits and vegetables the colors of the rainbow! The body's optimal level of function is a PH level of 7.36-7.46, with one being the bloodstreams desired level, the other the digestive tract. Measuring PH is easy, test strips can be purchased from any health food store for around $20. 

Simply tear off a strip of the paper from a roll (it's about the size of a roll of correction tape) and place it on your tongue. Don't do so until an hour after eating. If you want to ensure a good result, urinate on a strip as well. Sometimes the food you've eaten that day may have been particularly acidic and can give you a different result. Ideally, you'd like saliva and urine to match - which means that your diet is not too acidic. 

Today, I had 2 cans of coke at work. I decided to do a PH test just now to see how I am faring after some really bad choices lately. I know I feel like shit, which is a good indicator my PH will be off. I usually sit pretty much spot on between 7.2 and 7.4. I took a picture to illustrate how different the results can be if a lot of acidic food is ingested. The top strip is saliva. It is a PH of 5.8 which is VERY acid..... the lower one is urine and it's 7.0. Still slightly acid, but nothing a big feed of fruit and veggies and a green juice won't fix!

I highly reccommend everyone test their PH, and learn as much as you can about PH levels and alkaline eating. A fantastic rule of thumb is the 80/20 way of eating. If 80% of your diet consists of nutrient rich, anti-oxidant rich, alkaline foods - the other 20% can be whatever you like!

That brings me to the second part of part 6 - Oxidisation. 

Oxidisation is a chemical process of corrosion that occurs when oxygen and moisture cause a substance to corrode. The most obvious example is metal. If you have metal that gets wet, and is exposed to oxygen, it rusts (corrodes). Now think of an apple. In it's peel, it's perfect, moist, juicy..... but encased. Cut the apple, expose the moist part to oxygen, and what happens? It goes brown, beginning to oxidise quickly. What happens to the apple if you dip the apple in lemon juice - it doesn't brown. Why? Because lemon juice is an anti-oxidant! Internal organs of our body need oxygenated blood to work efficiently, which provides them with the perfect environment to oxidise. Eating anti-oxidant rich foods prevents this.

So mixing alkaline foods, with anti-oxidant rich foods, is the key to good health!

I really enjoyed Lisa's presentation, and I am going to take a good look at her KISS club. As many of you know, I don't love the idea of weight loss plans after doing 12WBT. I believe a program should foster autonomy, and give you the skills to succeed on your own. From what I can tell, this plan will teach me to put myself first, fit myself into my life, train despite a heavy work/study schedule, and help me love myself just a little more.

That's it for me tonight.....  I need some sleep. 

Facing my fear

So it's been ages since I've blogged, and in part, it is because life is now so hectic! I've commenced full time study at uni, working toward a Bachelor of Science, majoring in Environmental Science. It's a lot of hours, a lot of reading and it's almost a full day to listen to all the lectures - but so far, I'm really loving it.

I'd been keeping pretty on track with my diet, and had still been training twice a week despite the crazy hours I've been putting into study and chasing the kids around to sports and clubs.

Monday week ago, I got home from town after netball training, saw a message on the phone - that threw me into a tailspin. It was with that phone call - I fell off the wagon, and I did it in style! It wasn't what most people would consider a 'bad' phone call, it was in fact someone offering me an interview for a job that I hadn't actually applied for! I had applied twice for positions in this organisation last year, with no success. It seems they liked me, and they held onto my resume, and thought I'd be a good candidate for this position.

The reason it thew me into a tailspin, is because I had a plan - I knew what I was going to do for the next couple of years and I liked the stability of knowing where I was going. I have been busting a gut at uni, and working hard with the knowledge that I'd be around for the kids whenever they needed me, and that I could always fit study around kids. So with this phone call - I didn't know..... I didn't know if I would actually get the job - I didn't even know if I wanted the bloody job!

By nature I am an ambitious person, but not in the way most people are - I don't crave money, possessions or prestige. My ambition is to be the best mother I can be to my children. I dream of raising 2 people who will make the world a better place with their actions and attitude. That takes work!! Hard work - they need to know they are always my first priority.

In my mind, I've seen every one of my working mother friends have to make a choice between work and family, even if it's only missing something at school to be at work, or occasionally sending a child to school a little sick because they have a meeting or a busy day. To me, putting work before children is something I don't ever want to do - and it is my biggest fear as a mother.  So suffice to say, being a student, always accessible to my children was a wonderful and safe option to me. We struggle financially, constantly, but my children do not want for anything - they like me don't crave possessions. So to sacrifice things, or more money to spend time at home, was never a sacrifice to me.

As a lot of my regular readers know, I have 2 kids, and one is sickly. She's never been well, and while being on the mend, she still gets sick more often than most then there are the surgeries and school holidays to consider. Who will look after my baby girl when she is sick - she has never had anyone else look after her when she's sick but me. Will she think I don't love her as much if I 'fob her off' when she's ill? Who will take her? Will she resent me not being here for her when she needs me? I have an incredibly strong bond with my daughter, she is my youngest, and we've barely spent a day apart her whole life. In fact, the only other job I've had since she was born, was at the kinder she attended! The thought of prioritising something above my kids - is my biggest worry.....

So immediately after I got this message, I broke out in hives..... big splotchy hives. Itchy, hot, big, splotchy hives! Obviously I was stressed - this threw my certain future of the next couple of years into disarray. I got sick, that day - and nothing that went into my mouth was good for me. I mean I did not consume one single thing for about the next 10 days that did my body any good. As we all know, if we eat shit food, we feel like shit, and it's cyclic..... feel like shit, eat more shit. I have only done a couple of sessions at the gym in a fortnight, and to be honest, only for the social aspect of seeing friends. I certainly didn't work hard, and any calories I burned, were replaced with whatever I ate in the car on the way home.

I got the job, and tomorrow is my first day - and it turns out that my baby girl is sick. She has a fever and has felt like crap all weekend. I doubt she'll be at school tomorrow. On my first day at a new job, my biggest fear is being realised - I am choosing to go to work and leave a sick child. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something! To put icing on the cake today, my 93 year old Nan, who is of ever declining health, had a little heart attack. She's in hospital, and they're not holding much hope that we will have her with us much longer. Going to work feels wrong when I have a sick child - a sick Nan...... and yet, I am still going......

The kids Dad has spent the last 11 years at the same job and fortunately has a lot of leave owing - he assures me the universe in fact isn't trying to kill me with stress, and that it's telling him he needs a day off with his daughter! His sister was kind enough to tell me today, she's only working 2 day weeks and would be happy to take the kids if they are sick.... so I am lucky to have them. So why does it hurt so much to go?

Anyway, long story short, yesterday it dawned on me, I have a job. It is a good job. The money is awesome and affords me opportunities that I don't have as a poor student single mother...... so I need to suck it up, leave the pity party and get my shit in order.

I am eating well again, which of course means I'm feeling better - and despite being petrified about this job, I'm going to face my fears, walk into the building, looking confident - head held high, and like my dear friend
Renée always says -  I'm gonna fake it till I make it!!!

Unexpected benefits of 12WBT!

Many of my readers know I did the 12WBT last year, and frankly, it just wasn't my thing. I did get some really good things out of it though - firstly my mindset to weight loss changed. I can honestly say, I threw away all my excuses. If I do the wrong thing now, I am fully accountable. That is huge for me.

I also realised that a plan that does the thinking for you takes away your power - it makes your weight loss dependent on other people. WELL OF COURSE!!! How would they make money if we could all do it ourselves - so the programs don't foster autonomy, they tell you what to think, but don't really teach you how to think.  So the next really good thing I got, was autonomy. I realised about 2 weeks into the round that it would be my only one - and I was gettin' my money's worth. I learned what I could - and expanded on it. I got control of my own weight loss.

I changed my mindset from 'weight loss' to wellness. Quite frankly, I don't give a flying f%&k about my weight anymore. I want to be well, fit, healthy and strong. Numbers mean nothing to me. I want to nourish my body, feel energised, happy and loved.

The most amazing thing that came out of 12WBT for me is Renée. I didn't go into 12WBT expecting to find a best friend, but I did. I am grateful every day that I did meet her though. She is beautiful, smart, funny, a bit of a dork (we Star Wars quote all the time), an amazing Mum and wife, and a very strong and awesome woman. She has lost over 55kg which is just unbelievable to me..... that is the weight of my friend B!!!! Renée and I both had such similar upbringings, and we both grew up with the same self esteem issues. There have been periods in our lives we have both been burdened by depression, anxiety and shame. We both chose food as our primary drug of choice to help us deal with stressors in our life.

We often joke about how similar we are, we really are like two sides of the same coin. We communicate almost every day, sometimes many, many, many times a day - and if we don't it's so weird - that we have to before bed! I can honestly say, I've loved very few people as much as I do her - she is family. She inspires me, she makes me laugh, she supports me when I'm low, and she picks me up - helps me dust myself off and get back to it. When I'm upset, sometimes just a text from her is all I need to smile.  I love her, and I'm so glad I did 12WBT or I would never have met her.

Well, actually - I have never actually met her!! You see, she lives in another state. So we spend lots of time on the computer, phones texting etc.... but we have not been face to face yet! In April, we are travelling to Melbourne, to meet. We are staying with my brother, seeing a comedy show and we are going t have an awesome time. I am so excited!!!!

We have both been struggling a bit of late, we have both really gone off the rails with our nutrition, and training. She has put on some weight, and it is really, really getting her down. It's really upset me - I can't just see her to give her a hug like you're supposed to - we can't just go out for a coffee or a drink to talk about it. It's kinda a pain.

We have decided to embark on a 3 day detox, followed by a really amazing, yummy healthy meal plan that will have us feeling ourselves in no time. We have made a commitment to each other to follow the plan, work out 5/6 days a week, and to support each other. I feel so blessed to have her in my life, and to have her supporting me on my journey to wellness.

I just hope that she knows she can always lean on me, because we all need somebody to lean on...... yep, sounds to me like we need some old school 80's!!